I can certainly relate as I just had a HORRIBLE experience Saturday night! I literally have no advice except hang in there you may fuck up but as long as you realize you did you can learn from it! And know you arnt alone in the struggle Good luck!
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Wow! Holy S! You are scary drunk. First, I am at Day 4, with 2 relaspes in the past 2 weeks. I can knock back a Liter of wine in 45 min and 45 min later I was looking for more and then, I would lay into my wife, verbally and not remember any of the next morning. I can lay down as heavy as any. What I just read that you wrote is seriously important. YOU NEED HELP! I donāt like playing the R card as I am not a fan, but Please consider Rehab.
And, I am here for youā¦I will check this Sh!t as a often as I can , and try to help.
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I am a blackout binge drinker as well and it only got much much worse as time went on. I have a post here about the night before I decided to quit drinking- I attempted to burn our house down with a blow torch and destroyed a wall with a crowbar because my husband had locked himself in another room out of fear of the monster I become when blacked out.
I am NOT this person when sober. Not in the least bit.
My first 30 days sober were extremely hard. I was mad that I couldnāt drink. I tried to reason with myself (irrationally) and convince myself I didnāt have a problem. I cried, a lot. My husband ignored me for almost 25 days straight, wouldnāt even look at me. I was so broken down.
I joined an AA group for women, I got a therapist.
Iāve had 2 slip ups in 52 days. Had a sip or full drink and immediately realized what a mistake it was.
The booze is NOT WORTH THE TERROR.
Willingness to try anything to stay sober, including AA when I donāt love the āgod talkā and remembering daily that if I just say NO to booze I never have to live that nightmare again has helped me stay sober for the first time in 15 years.
Itās saved my marriage. Itās saved my life.
Youāre at a fork in the road right now, you have enough self love and respect left to be standing there- choose sobriety. It will be hard a F*%! at first, but SO worth the work.
Check in here when you feel weak. Stay close to the light of other sober folks.
Go to AA if you feel lonely in real life.
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This is a good remember when for me. Thanks for sharing.
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Hi @Bali45 and welcome to the forum. 
Thanks for sharing your personal story. Blackouts are the worst part. Not recalling what I used to say to my family the next day, when they were all angry with me. 
If you have committed to stopping, it is the most important decision of your life. 
Start with all the support you can get - this forum, AA or other meetings, an outpatient/inpatient program, reading and videos. There is so much out there! But it has to come from within you - it will not be easy.
Here is a useful thread on getting through early recovery:
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i wish i could begin to tell you how much i relate to this story. drinking for me used to also be all fun and games for me as well. then out of nowhere i became the same. angry emotionally and physically violent, a liar, a cheat. and iām here to let you know that after i got behind the wheel and DONT remember it, i got my first DUI and blew a .32. i am so lucky i didnāt kill myself or another human being. that wake up call is what completely changed my perspective. i thought because i wasnāt drinking every day i wasnāt an alcoholic, but damn was i wrong. you can also be an alcoholic when you donāt know when to or donāt want to quit drinking when you are. staying sober is your best bet. if your boyfriend truly loves you he will support your decision and be willing to not drink around you. as for help, i am always here and would love to talk more. if not, try hitting an AA meeting. youāll be suprised how much you truly can relate to others. i hope you find what i have found in sobrietyā¤
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i feel ya. I was a bing drinker for a year been in recovery for 4 months. the hardest part for me is remembering that low feeling of waking uo after a black out. it seems that as soon as someone asks if i want a drink i forget this. and suddenly a drink seems so innocent. i passed out in the floor while i was working at a strip club. been completely blacked out in an uber on my way home. i havr broken all of our glasswate on the floor. i have hit my husbandā¦when it comes down to it the temporary and fleeting eupohoria is not worth it. we just have to remember that after we get some days under our belt. hardest part for meā¦beware for thr deception of your own mind
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Just like you mentioned, itās hard for someone else who has never experienced a blackout like that to understand. When I say āI donāt remember doing thatā I literally DO NOT remember anything. And I would NEVER in my right mind say or do the things I have done to my boyfriend in a sober state of mind. Like you mentioned with your husband, itās hard for them to understand. I have cooked dinner and held normal conversations, put myself in the shower and to bed, and remember NONE of it. Like a walking, talking zombie under the influence of alcohol with no memory. Itās a scary thing. Iāve been doing some reading and blackouts like this ARE NOT a normal thing, alcohol effects us each differently and some people are ok to drink, others are not and Iām trying to accept the fact that I am not meant to be a drinker. My brain and alcohol do not mix.
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Thank you for this info! I appreciate it 
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Calling it āthe terrorā is SO SPOT ON. Thatās exactly how I feel, but not til the next day of course when I wake up to stories my boyfriend tells me of what I said or did. And like you, mine are becoming more frequent. Can I ask, does your husband drink? Is he still drinking with you around? Is there alcohol in your home because its your husbands? Iām asking because my boyfriend is a drinker, and even though I think he drinks a bit too often, he never ever gets sloppy drunk or sick. Been with him a year and Iāve never seen him like that. So he knows his limits and can handle his alcohol. I just worry about health reasons for him in the long run. But for myself, when heās not around, Iām not tempted to drink. But when he is around, I am, especially on the weekends because he usually is. How do you focus on staying sober but still be in a relationship with someone who drinks? If this is the case. Thanks again for sharing your story it really helped me a lot when I read it last night.
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@Bali45
My husband does still drink, and we have alcohol in the house but he keeps it out of sight. Heās never had a problem with alcohol, heās the kind of person that can crack a beer or pour a whiskey and completely forget about it after drinking half. I was the complete opposite. I would drink every. single. drop. And sometimes even finish his drink and pretend I just dumped it while cleaning up the kitchen.
Weāve had guests the past few weekends and they were all drinking. āI made myself a drinkā which was just sparkling water, lime and alcohol free bitters. Our guests assumed I was drinking gin + tonic. This helped me not feel tempted or left out.
But Iāve had to learn itās OK to excuse myself if Iām feeling tempted. Iāll go outside or in my room and read this forum until I feel grounded again.
Generally my man has been very supportive, because he doesnāt have addiction issues it was easy for him to cool it with the daily evening whiskey around me.
My problem sneaks in when I travel for work and Iām tempted. My addict brain tells me itās OK b/c Iām in a different state, which makes NO sense. And then I binge binge binge. Iām hungover today after 52 days sober.
Thereās a saying in AA - "remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us."
Today Iām like, yep. That cunning Sinister Sauce got the best of me, again!
Sorry for the long winded response!
Iām here if you have other questions, as is everyone else on this forum. Use this as a tool to build strength and clarity.
We can do this! NO MORE TERROR!
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During a blackout, and believe me Iāve had a few (unfortunately).
Physically, only your short term memory is firing. You no longer able to process the short term memory into a long term memory. Hence the blackout.
Ultimately I think your subconscious(beast brain) is in control. This is the survival portion of your brain. Per se the animalistic part of your brain that will fight, argue and really just make you completely selfish to be honest. Your conscious mind is basically a sleep. No rationale thought is being generated. Hence the term āLiquid Courage!ā
I have read several articles that have large scientific terms that promote this same theory, but itās still a lot thatās not know.
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Its as if we are working on autopilot and our brain or awareness in temporarily dead.It really is scary. Excessive drinking of any kind is not normal.I used to try to compare myself thinking either I wasnt as bad as my brother in law who drinks every day or that I was WORSE.Truth is nobody should be drinking because its poisen to our bodies.
You can literally feel yourself dumbing down as you drink if you stop and pay attention, it should terrify anyoneā¦but alcohol is glamourized and we are made to think its normal to drink it but it shouldnt be.
Is there any other drink besides alcohol that you enjoy?When Im around people who are drinking my goto is rootbeer, water, coffee usually a mocha , hot chocolate, any soda or specifically a shirley temple when Im in public places and feeling pressure.Tea and kombucha are also good though, and incredibly healing for your insides.I caused ulcers from my excessive drinking and the probiotics in it actually helps my body heal.
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It is very scary! I could look back on a blackout text, all my words are spelled correctly. My grammar is correct, but I said the most outlandish things you can possibly imagine. What really confuses me, Iāll text about things that happened 10 yrs ago, that I literally havenāt thought about in heavens knows how long. Talk about tension! Itās always depressing things, to boot.
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Its insane isnt it?
Very insane, itās not me! Itās my evil twin brother
Iām in a good place again. 1 binge in the last 25 days, and Iām 8 days AF. My defences are up, and Iām thinking more positive. Putting a lot of mental resources to heal myself. For some reason I thought I was so smart, I could put me on auto pilot and everything would be fine. Iām putting effort into it.
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I completely understand. I am the same way when drink and Iām a binge drinker so i get it. You definitely donāt need to cut back you have to quit all together. People like us canāt drink. Or like you said something terrible can happen. The only reason why something hasnāt happened now is we are getting a chance at life. A real one. Not one that we live In constant regret or fear. Give up the alcohol all together. You already have a few days sober just keep going. Donāt give in when he drinks. Stay away if he drinks. Tell him you just canāt be around it. Im sure he would be glad to give it up for you. Your life is at a turning point. You choose the direction you go. Please choose sobriety. We are all here for you.
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I can identify with you. I was exactly the same way when I drank. Every single time I put alcohol into my body I turned into a completely different person and would say and do things that I couldnāt even fathom. My behavior was so embarrassing but it was almost like since I couldnāt remember it, it didnāt stop me from picking up. I finally had enough, but it took a lot and my life is in shambles right now because I didnāt take the very obvious signs that I should stop drinking serious enough. Iāve destroyed pretty much every relationship Iāve been in. Yesterday was 30 days, Iām not looking back.
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