You have come to the right place .I am an angry blackout drunk also a bindge drinker.
Firstly, tell him you want to get sober and need his help which means no alcohol around you especially in the beginning when you are so fragile.If he cannot do that then I suggest some space. Your life really is in danger, people drink drive kill someone or themselves and either wake up in jail or not at all.I am afraid of this being my end all the time.Its part of why I want to stay sober.
Be selfish and remove yourself from any situation that has alcohol for the time being.Make a list of the things you want to do that alcohol stops you from.Pros and cons lists if you want.
You can do this.One day at a time.An hour at a time, 5 min at a time. You can learn to be stronger than your addiction.
Your going to get frusterated and be upset about not drinking.You might even try to rationalize with yourself why quitting is stupid.Yet deep down you know its what you want.Let yourself feel what you need to and get through this.
Are you near a phone right NOW.
Thanks so much for your reply! It’s awful waking up to a story about actions or words you said that you know in your right mind you would NEVER do or say. I plan to sit down with him tonight to let him know how serious I am about this.
Im so happy you are taking a step forward and talking to him.I hope you get a positive reaction and remember that if you dont get the reaction you are expecting or hoping for that is okay, this is about you not anyone else.
I know my husband loves me but he will never understand my struggle.
I know how that feels it really is awful. I havr gotten pretty crazy under the influence as well and didnt remember any of it, it hurts my heart to think about…but you CAN rebuild yourself and your life .You cant change the past but you can move forward.
Congrats @ Bali45 on having 3 days! Even tho 3 days seems like a small thing it’s a huge accomplishment! Also you are doing the best thing u can by seeking support and wanting to get help, keep it up soon those 3 days will b 3 weeks, 3 months etc…Always praise yourself even for the “small things”!!
I can certainly relate as I just had a HORRIBLE experience Saturday night! I literally have no advice except hang in there you may fuck up but as long as you realize you did you can learn from it! And know you arnt alone in the struggle Good luck!
Wow! Holy S! You are scary drunk. First, I am at Day 4, with 2 relaspes in the past 2 weeks. I can knock back a Liter of wine in 45 min and 45 min later I was looking for more and then, I would lay into my wife, verbally and not remember any of the next morning. I can lay down as heavy as any. What I just read that you wrote is seriously important. YOU NEED HELP! I don’t like playing the R card as I am not a fan, but Please consider Rehab.
And, I am here for you…I will check this Sh!t as a often as I can , and try to help.
I am a blackout binge drinker as well and it only got much much worse as time went on. I have a post here about the night before I decided to quit drinking- I attempted to burn our house down with a blow torch and destroyed a wall with a crowbar because my husband had locked himself in another room out of fear of the monster I become when blacked out.
I am NOT this person when sober. Not in the least bit.
My first 30 days sober were extremely hard. I was mad that I couldn’t drink. I tried to reason with myself (irrationally) and convince myself I didn’t have a problem. I cried, a lot. My husband ignored me for almost 25 days straight, wouldn’t even look at me. I was so broken down.
I joined an AA group for women, I got a therapist.
I’ve had 2 slip ups in 52 days. Had a sip or full drink and immediately realized what a mistake it was.
The booze is NOT WORTH THE TERROR.
Willingness to try anything to stay sober, including AA when I don’t love the “god talk” and remembering daily that if I just say NO to booze I never have to live that nightmare again has helped me stay sober for the first time in 15 years.
It’s saved my marriage. It’s saved my life.
You’re at a fork in the road right now, you have enough self love and respect left to be standing there- choose sobriety. It will be hard a F*%! at first, but SO worth the work.
Check in here when you feel weak. Stay close to the light of other sober folks.
Go to AA if you feel lonely in real life.
This is a good remember when for me. Thanks for sharing.
Hi @Bali45 and welcome to the forum. 
Thanks for sharing your personal story. Blackouts are the worst part. Not recalling what I used to say to my family the next day, when they were all angry with me. 
If you have committed to stopping, it is the most important decision of your life. 
Start with all the support you can get - this forum, AA or other meetings, an outpatient/inpatient program, reading and videos. There is so much out there! But it has to come from within you - it will not be easy.
Here is a useful thread on getting through early recovery:
i wish i could begin to tell you how much i relate to this story. drinking for me used to also be all fun and games for me as well. then out of nowhere i became the same. angry emotionally and physically violent, a liar, a cheat. and i’m here to let you know that after i got behind the wheel and DONT remember it, i got my first DUI and blew a .32. i am so lucky i didn’t kill myself or another human being. that wake up call is what completely changed my perspective. i thought because i wasn’t drinking every day i wasn’t an alcoholic, but damn was i wrong. you can also be an alcoholic when you don’t know when to or don’t want to quit drinking when you are. staying sober is your best bet. if your boyfriend truly loves you he will support your decision and be willing to not drink around you. as for help, i am always here and would love to talk more. if not, try hitting an AA meeting. you’ll be suprised how much you truly can relate to others. i hope you find what i have found in sobriety❤
i feel ya. I was a bing drinker for a year been in recovery for 4 months. the hardest part for me is remembering that low feeling of waking uo after a black out. it seems that as soon as someone asks if i want a drink i forget this. and suddenly a drink seems so innocent. i passed out in the floor while i was working at a strip club. been completely blacked out in an uber on my way home. i havr broken all of our glasswate on the floor. i have hit my husband…when it comes down to it the temporary and fleeting eupohoria is not worth it. we just have to remember that after we get some days under our belt. hardest part for me…beware for thr deception of your own mind
Just like you mentioned, it’s hard for someone else who has never experienced a blackout like that to understand. When I say “I don’t remember doing that” I literally DO NOT remember anything. And I would NEVER in my right mind say or do the things I have done to my boyfriend in a sober state of mind. Like you mentioned with your husband, it’s hard for them to understand. I have cooked dinner and held normal conversations, put myself in the shower and to bed, and remember NONE of it. Like a walking, talking zombie under the influence of alcohol with no memory. It’s a scary thing. I’ve been doing some reading and blackouts like this ARE NOT a normal thing, alcohol effects us each differently and some people are ok to drink, others are not and I’m trying to accept the fact that I am not meant to be a drinker. My brain and alcohol do not mix.
Thank you for this info! I appreciate it 
Calling it “the terror” is SO SPOT ON. That’s exactly how I feel, but not til the next day of course when I wake up to stories my boyfriend tells me of what I said or did. And like you, mine are becoming more frequent. Can I ask, does your husband drink? Is he still drinking with you around? Is there alcohol in your home because its your husbands? I’m asking because my boyfriend is a drinker, and even though I think he drinks a bit too often, he never ever gets sloppy drunk or sick. Been with him a year and I’ve never seen him like that. So he knows his limits and can handle his alcohol. I just worry about health reasons for him in the long run. But for myself, when he’s not around, I’m not tempted to drink. But when he is around, I am, especially on the weekends because he usually is. How do you focus on staying sober but still be in a relationship with someone who drinks? If this is the case. Thanks again for sharing your story it really helped me a lot when I read it last night.
@Bali45
My husband does still drink, and we have alcohol in the house but he keeps it out of sight. He’s never had a problem with alcohol, he’s the kind of person that can crack a beer or pour a whiskey and completely forget about it after drinking half. I was the complete opposite. I would drink every. single. drop. And sometimes even finish his drink and pretend I just dumped it while cleaning up the kitchen.
We’ve had guests the past few weekends and they were all drinking. “I made myself a drink” which was just sparkling water, lime and alcohol free bitters. Our guests assumed I was drinking gin + tonic. This helped me not feel tempted or left out.
But I’ve had to learn it’s OK to excuse myself if I’m feeling tempted. I’ll go outside or in my room and read this forum until I feel grounded again.
Generally my man has been very supportive, because he doesn’t have addiction issues it was easy for him to cool it with the daily evening whiskey around me.
My problem sneaks in when I travel for work and I’m tempted. My addict brain tells me it’s OK b/c I’m in a different state, which makes NO sense. And then I binge binge binge. I’m hungover today after 52 days sober.
There’s a saying in AA - "remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us."
Today I’m like, yep. That cunning Sinister Sauce got the best of me, again!
Sorry for the long winded response!
I’m here if you have other questions, as is everyone else on this forum. Use this as a tool to build strength and clarity.
We can do this! NO MORE TERROR!
During a blackout, and believe me I’ve had a few (unfortunately).
Physically, only your short term memory is firing. You no longer able to process the short term memory into a long term memory. Hence the blackout.
Ultimately I think your subconscious(beast brain) is in control. This is the survival portion of your brain. Per se the animalistic part of your brain that will fight, argue and really just make you completely selfish to be honest. Your conscious mind is basically a sleep. No rationale thought is being generated. Hence the term “Liquid Courage!”
I have read several articles that have large scientific terms that promote this same theory, but it’s still a lot that’s not know.