Ashamed...embarrassed...disappointed

I’m a mom of 3 amazing kids. Wife tic an amazing but a little too laid back sometimes man. 28, private school for high school good kid good student (a little on the ADD side), college graduate ALWAYS a smart mouth sarcastic kinda girl with a huge heart but nasty mood swings at times …Long story short…rewind to a year ago when anxiety/depression hit My ass out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. So what do I do at 27 for a numbing “cure”?? Wine…beer having too eventually drink more and more to even feel anything from it…I said well maybe I’ll go to the doctor! Doc prescribed anxiety/depression meds and xanax to sleep at night. Amazing summer I’m working out enjoying life…Fast forward from to dec 2016. I say hmmmm in tired of taking medicine I’m at my goal for weight and fitness I “deserve” to do what I want when I wanna do it…the drinking turns into I’ll just have a few everyevening to blacking out and not knowing wtf happened. My husband who supports ANYTHING I wanna do doesn’t understand…it’s not a matter of well just stop drinking beer…it’s a matter of now I’ve done it for so long I crave it…I get very stressed out with anxiety and sadness from depression I drink, and it helps,until after it’s worn off and anxiety/depression are WORSE! So 2017 back to the dr I have been looks like my ADD and bad/snarky attitude my dr thinks was really bipolar 2 the whole time and I’m now on the right medicine and was 20 days sober. Until this past weekend when I apparently decided to drink (at my home) with my bipolar 2 medicine and got myself lost in the woods by my own fucking house for an hour…
I’m tired I’m embarrassed I’m disappointed in myself…I’ve let myself down I need to and want to be a role model for my kids (they knew nothing was going on) but lord if they had…sorry for the long post I haven’t talked about any of this (except the husband who says if I really wanted to stop drinking–I just would) so you guys reading will be the first

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Welcome @Jbishop0401! You will find a lot of supportive, empathetic people here on the forum. Many of us (myself included) have dealt with mental health issues as well as alcoholism. I am a mother as well. My primary motivation in sobriety is to be fully present and a better role model for my son.

One thing that I have found helpful is this: I stayed sober during my pregnancy because there was a little life depending on it. Now is no different only it’s MY life that is at stake if I drink. I owe to to myself and my family to stay sober.

Stay strong. It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. There are a plethora of resources here on the forum to help you get through this. We are here to help. You can do this!:blush:

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I know exactly how you are feeling. I just made my first post a few days ago sharing a lot of the same thoughts that you are having for the first time as well. My husband is the only other person who I’ve confided in but unfortunately has the same attitude and doesn’t understand. He can have a few drinks and then just stop with no problem so doesn’t get how I can’t just have a few and have to keep drinking until I black out. He has made the same statement “if you really wanted to stop drinking than you would” (which I’m guessing a lot of people say who don’t understand). I definitely have mood swings and suffer from anxiety and depression as well and realize that drinking has become a way of coping with those issues and numbing the thoughts of my constant over-thinking brain. I think we need to take a look at ourselves and find new ways in dealing with those issues and find things that can truly make us happy instead of using alcohol as a bandaid which is all it is because I know I feel great while drinking but come the next morning I always have a giant cloud of shame, regret, embarrassment, and disappointment looming over me. It’s a continuous cycle, we drink to forget and then we feel bad that we drink.
“We avoid the things that we’re afraid of because we think there will be dire consequences if we confront them. But the truly dire consequences in our lives come from avoiding things that we need to learn about or discover.” -Shakti Gawain

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Man, I empathize with you completely. I have a very nice life life it seems you do yourself. I’ve been searching for a reason to why I drink if everything seems so great. I’ve briefly tried Zoloft and Naltrexone to address any underlying issues, but I always end up back to drinking.

I’ve been told to not give up on the medication end from some people. That it just takes time to find the right meds. Other people advise that it just masks your feelings.

I’m back at it sobriety for two days now. Learn from your mistakes and try to build on them. I’ve said I’m never drinking again too many times to count, but I can’t give up. You can’t either, you’ve got a family. Stay strong, people are here to support you.

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Quitting isn’t easy. Type two myself. Told my husband I was a drunk and need to quit. I am only 11 days free. It hasn’t been easy, but anxiety is getting better. Taking vitamins. Trying to keep looking ahead. Feeling better every day. Been drinking 20+years. Now, in sobriety, I have hope for a future and a liver that might not fail. Stay strong, ever day gets a bit better without alcohol.

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I’ve been 15 days free of pain pills and it has not been easy. But I can only imagine what you guys go through without alcohol. I’m kind of in the same boat with the unsympathetic part with my SO. I’ve had a history of addiction to pain pills and I got right back into them when me and him got together. And we both went full board. I had just lost my grandpa (who was basically my dad) and he had just ended a 6 year long relationship with the mother of his child that he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with. So it was easy for both of us to get addicted. Unfortunately for me it’s a lot easier to get over a dealth vs not being with your child everyday when you once were. I look at it as if you didn’t want to do pills anymore you would quit. But we ALL know it’s not that easy. But I did it so I almost expect him to be able to. If I made it without his full on support he can do it with my support. And I’m so worried it’s going to come in between us someday. It’s good that you have noticed you have a problem it sucks that you slipped back into it but doesn’t mean you can’t get out now! Everyone is different. Every addiction is different. The only real good piece of advice I can give you is to stay busy. If your busy you don’t have time to think about having a drink. My dad is an alcoholic and I will never forgive him for all the wasted time, abuse, and neglect because of his drinking. I hope you can overcome your addiction before it affects your relationship with your children. Because knowing a drink is more important than your child is devastating. And you may not look at it like that, but kids will. I really hope you get help from this app and stay sober. It will be worth it!

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So there are people here that have far more experience than I on sobriety. I’m on my 50th day. Now I stopped the night after I was blackout drink for 5 hours. When I came back to, still drink in hand, I was behind a bar shirtless and singing Aladdin songs and dancing with a broom. Important note: I do things like that sober. However, the next day for 9 hours I got to hear how shitty I looked. That’s when I decided to stop. And that night I found this app. So in some ways the thought of if you really want to stop you would applies, because it’s a personal choice. However, we all need support and that can be found all over the place here.

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My first sponsor told me recovery is not an event it is a process! Many times the most fruitful part of the process are the mistakes we make which actually bring us to the higher places later on. As the big book says “No matter how far down we have gone we can see how our experience can benefit others” Well we are certainly included in that as well! However morbid reflection is not HP’s will here but to stay in the moment and be happy joyous and free. The depression that morbid reflection will bring is much more likely to lead back to the disease. Nobody recovers gracefully…This is a major struggle! We are all behind you 1000% Love from New York City. Yonason. :smiley:

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@Jbishop0401 Thx for sharing. It definitely isn’t that simple to just stop. I’ve been coming here for probably about 4 months and I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve had to reset. Like u, I felt like I was okay to have a drink here and there but b4 u know it ur waking up hours later not knowing exactly how much time has passed. Keep coming here and just share ur feelings or anxiety or whatever u may be feeling at the time. When I get anxious I wanna drink. Coming here has helped me to make it to the next day without drinking. All u can do is take it one day at a time.

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@ImJustMethank you so much for the support! I think my husband is thinking in just crazy lol he can drink all weekend just around the yard and such because we don’t go anywhere and be fine I however spiral out of control but I feel like I’m not “fun” or connecting with him bc I’m not drinking you know?
The anxiety/depression is the worst like you I want to drink to give me the opposite effect when in the end I end up depressed either way…
Sleep is a MUST however try telling that to a mom of 3 (9,5,& almost 3 year old) and a infant RACCOON we are rehabbing–tho it does keep me busy which is what I need!
I am very thankful to have found this app…
Good luck to you!!

@Y_Anonymous Have you done therapy or AA? I feel like I need to get my bipolar 2 under control to get the drinking under control and then there is the xanax I DO NOT ABUSE but take to sleep and I simply can’t without it

@Graham_Hoffmanhaha not laughing at your very emotional life struggle however, if I had to pick one Disney character to sing it would be Aladdin. I have CERTAINLY had moments that I don’t even want to think of that I have done or said in a drunken stupor! I’m curious about AA and the big book and I’m not a religious person (no one judge I just question a lot) I honestly want a better life for myself and family where I don’t HAVE to feel guilty I’m not drinking on the boat with my husband at the lake or around a burn barrel in the winter…

@KDRi literally don’t know what to say back to you except thank you. It’s so helpful to know I’m not alone and can actually talk and express my feelings with people who understand or can help me understand! Good luck to you and you healthy life style! Stay strong and happy as I will try and do

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I am diagnosed Bipolar 2, as well. Although I think that diagnosis is tossed around a little too easily. My doctors and I just like to call it a mood disorder, but had to give me the diagnosis in order to receive meds. I’ve been on Lamictal now for six months, and I’m only really just now feeling the full effects. My emotions and my personality aren’t dampened, just a little more “light”, like I’m not automatically going to react to minor things like a crazy person; and I still have a little anxiety, but the meds keep “me” there, in the midst of it, and I’m able to have real, decisive conversations with myself about how I’m going to behave in any given situation. I’ve never had that before, and it makes all the difference.

Whether or not you stick with the meds, remember that it takes a good long time before it really syncs with your biochemistry. It’s been probably the single most helpful thing to me in my recovery, but everyone is different, physically and mentally. Stay in constant contact with your doctor and your supports about it.

(Also, I have to share that I got lost in the woods right behind MY house on my sad little lapse on Sunday. Oh, isn’t alcohol sooo much fun, yeah. Totally worth that embarassment.)

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I agree completely with @SkoJo If you’re suffering from depression or anxiety…your meds (and no alcohol/drugs) is the best thing you can do for your overall health. It takes time to get in your system but makes a world of difference. There’s no shame in seeking help and giving yourself a chance to get better. I’m on peroxatine and have never felt better. A lot of us drank to numb those feelings but in the end it only makes it worse.

@SkoJo I do believe I am sticking with my meds lol I’ve been on my Prozac for a little over a year for the anxiety/depression and then started the depakote probably a few months ago. I can ref tell when I don’t take them I just fell…scatter brained and negative…I’ve tried the seraquel at night and I hate it I stopped it after a week

This is my personal opinion take what you like and leave the rest. The medication is very important to get straight. That will get you to a certain point like the bottom rung of the pyramid but wont cure you. The steps and spiritual program is the only thing that will get you to the top, that being said God put different vessels like meds into the world and they are to be used! The anti anxiety meds are fine, as long as you are not abusing them and are clear with your dosage and let your sponsor know (I alsp take some meds :wink:) I am a program member and also a mental health professional but again take what you like and leave the rest. Keep plugging in to safe and supportive people and please feel free to reach out! Good luck!!! Yonason from Brooklyn.

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Oh no worries. It was funny. It still is funny and my shenanigans don’t know any boundaries. There’s no reason this can’t be fun. I know that’s not for everyone. I deal in levity to all things. Usually for perspective.
Do what is best for you and if you ever need help there’s an entire community here to lend it.

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