Hi all. My name is Freddy I’m 29 y/o. I spent most of my childhood living with my father who was an alcoholic… in fact I don’t know if he is clean yet because we live far away from each other and trusting that he might be sober but he never got to admit his problem… when I turned 18 I fell in love for the first time with a straight guy and somehow I decided to enter in self destruction mode ever since. I can say I have tried all the very well known drugs, but I only hooked up with weed or hash. I love in Portugal and In 2013 I moved to Dubai to try a new life, to work hard and get clean, since the laws there are strict in alcohol, and extreme with drugs. Like death penalty, for real. Happened that at this point I simply replaced drugs with alcohol, so I gained 25kg in a couple of months. I had to come back to Portugal for professional reasons. I am an artist and I feel necessary to do it first in my country. At least this is what I tried (and still trying?) to tell myself when I came here, but the fact is that I settled back to my comfort zone and I am hooked to smokes to a point that does not matter if I don’t have money anymore, I will just spend sometime walking the neighbourhood looking for joint roaches. Doesn’t matter if it’s 3am, I will go down and put my expertise in action - I study and know the places where there is more chance to find good ones. I cannot even tell when I started to do this but I want to stop. Before I was 18 I had goals, I was active, creative, clean and healthy. Nowadays I can’t tell if I was about to open the door or switch off the light. Is the first time I try this support and I hope it works for me. I really do. Thank you all for the attention 
Thank you Melrm 
You have let your addiction take complete control of your life, which is really common with addiction. You have two options; do or don’t, there is no trying at this point. Explore the site do some research on addiction on general. Try to understand your impulses and urges. Your did a very brave thing by reaching out for help!
I’m a very conceptual person, the only thing I personally do is journal my hangover experiences and how I feel in the mornings when I use and don’t use. Other than that I read everything I can about addiction self help, addiction YouTube videos, mediation, exercise, multiple website memberships that deal with addiction.
Many others document and make list upon list.
This is your journey find what works best for you!
Hi @Freddyrrivero and welcome to the forum! 
Thanks for sharing your story. If you have committed to stopping, that is the most important decision. Spend some time reading around the forum, and educating yourself on detox/early sobriety.
Here is a useful thread on getting through early recovery:
Welcome Freddyrruvero 
, you have come to a great place here for support and advice and great caring honest people!