I can't believe I am here

Hi, I am Lisa and I am an alcoholic. I am not the kind that people normally think of, I don’t need a drink until bedtime or at night. It started when I turned 21 and I started drinking every weekend with my friends. After 4 years of military service and college I left the military and was very lost and depressed so I started drinking at night to go to sleep. Time passed, I got married and had twins and one more baby all in two years. My husband and I had a really rocky marriage so I kept drinking at night until I passed out so I didn’t have to think about anything. Then I started taking sleeping pills with my alcohol. I tried to kill myself a couple of times but failed. Fast forward 10 more years and I am about to turn 40 and I woke up in the hospital again for overdosing on pills to kill myself. I was put in a mental health unit and it really woke me up. It was the first time I had been in a really gross crazy environment and I could not believe that this is what I had become. I had served in the Navy, modeled, gone to AirForce nursing school, got my pilot’s license, had 3 kids half grown, been around the world, learned Italian living in Varese Italy for 3 years, all to end up with nothing but drinking and back in the hospital. I realized I was wasting everything over drinking every night for 15 years. I was done, but it has only been 15 days now and it’s really hard every night. I think about drinking every night at bedtime. I wish I knew how to stop the craving. I hope I can do this without relapse.

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Welcome @Lisakatherine!! You are in good company here and congrats on your 15 days!

It sounds like you’ve led a pretty amazing life (envious of Italy :wink:) and drinking has affected your life in a horrible way. Stay strong, and my suggestion would be to create new night time rituals or hobbies. Stay busy!

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Welcome @Lisakatherine!

I agree with @Elisabeth in finding a new night time ritual. Do you believe in a power greater than yourself yet? If you do, maybe try some silent prayer asking your HP to remove the obsession, and start praying for as many people as you can think of. It’ll be like counting sheep!

You got this, girl! I got clean and sober at the age of 18 and have been sober since, coming on 9 years in March. I had no expectations of getting sober when i checked myself into treated, and I’ve defeated all the odds! If i can, ANYONE can! Chin up, and lots of prayer!

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Find something else to focus on at night. Find a new hobby or rediscover an old one. If you have something else to devote your energy to then you won’t dwell on that drink. I used nightly drinks to shut my brain down. Now I’m tapping into that energy instead of squashing it with a drink. Sometimes I’ll just clean or organize something just to distract from the cravings. (Boring. I know, but it works.) Keep a daily journal just to get your feelings out. Create. Or read about something interesting if you can focus enough to do so. Get on here and talk to us!

Keep fighting! You are a strong, accomplished woman. Don’t let the poison define you.

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Hi @Lisakatherine I’m 13 days sober and my new nightly ritual is reading the posts on this forum, it really helps :grinning: stay strong :muscle: you can do it! :green_heart:

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The worst thing I have learned about alcohol is it turns us into completely the opposite person we want to be and it knows when you’re at your weakest… however it needs you to lift the glass and you to drink it and that’s where it’s control stops you control that part so you’re the boss… keep strong and refuse to give in…

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Im so glad you are here! This site has been my godsend. Im fighting this hard journey myself and It has progressed over the years. The people here are amazing. Please know how beautiful you are and you are never ever alone. Think of your babies, be strong and get the outside help you need… Im working on the same thing myself but keep your head up. You have made the right decision. We are all here for you. Stay busy, go for a walk find a hobby. Like I said Im working on all of this myself. Keep your head up.

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Thanks Joanne, I really appreciate your response and encouragement!
Liss

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Thank you Elizabeth,
I decided to actually reach out on this forum because I have never talked about my private drinking and pills with anyone, but I think that is where I went wrong, I think talking to others who have similar experiences is helpful. I actually have always trying to avoid people knowing the truth but when I was told that I had been on life support, I just broke and realized I wanted to live and have a clear mind again, stop hiding and just making it day to day.
Lisa

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Wow Lora-Marie,
Thanks for the advice and support. 9 years is amazing.

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Thanks Tony,
I finally woke up and realized what I was doing and yes, I was the one buying the alcohol and willingly drinking it. I just had no idea that a couple of years partying and drinking with friends could turn into an actual routine of dependency! I always thought because I would only drink at bedtime that my problem wasn’t really a problem.
If I can make it a month it would be great!
Lisa

Thank you Shelby for your response and encouragement, this is actually a hard habit to change. It seems like I always came up with an excuse. Days turned into months and months years and I can’t believe I am here now. I never really thought of myself as a real alcoholic or had a dependency. I always told myself, things like " I am not drinking all day" or " why does all these doctors get upset I have a drink or two at bedtime. 15 years later it’s still feels like" how did I get to this point".
Hope you hang in there with me!
Lisa

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Thank you Miss Quinn,
A journal is a great idea, actually all your ideas were good. I appreciate your encouragement is so nice and helpful. I really, really appreciate you taking time to respond!
Lisa

Hi there, you are in the right place to get support ! I am 70 days sober today which is a miracle since I have drunk almost every evening for about the past 20 years (minus pregnancy and bf) I have done it with the help of this forum and AA , I never thought I was an alcoholic because I only drank in the evenings, had never got arrested, No DUI convictions, not lost my husband, my son or my house, I ran a home, dressed well, looked respectable etc…BUT once I had taken one drink I had the compulsion to drink until either the wine ran out or I passed out! Going to AA has taught me that although those things hadn’t happened to me YET alcoholism is a progressive disease and if I continued drinking it was just a matter of time! I would say get to an AA meeting and see what the program has to offer you and read as much as you can on alcoholism, plus stay close to this forum (I also use one called My way out which is fantastic. Good luck and I hope to see you around xxx

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It was the same for me going out with friends turned into a regular thing… unfortunately drinking can help form some good friendships. I had to give up being around my “Drinking friends” to get away from it and it’s a hard thing to do. You will do it and when you do the first month you will be proud :slight_smile:

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Thank you for telling me about your situation because I assumed since I had never drank and drove or had a DUI or drank during the day that I didn’t really have a problem. Since my husband did not want to think we had issues he helped by making sure I was always fully supplied with my wine, even traveling. As long as I passed out every night that everything would be fine. It’s not fine and I still have no idea how I rationalized that many years of doing the same thing never resolving anything.
Thank you for the suggestions for help and support.
Lisa

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Hi Tony,
My drinking friends were super great people as long as we got together at bars and clubs, restaurants to drink while talking. For years before I married and moved away I didn’t even notice that I only seemed to talk to them when we were out. How do we go on not seeing that we are not really engaging in true friendship, just fun. Obviously it’s easier to avoid than to face truth. Thanks for the input.
Lisa

Yep I was exactly the same only friends when drinking… strange how its easy to block out I can see why now who would want to stop the drink and fun with people and the bonus is they won’t judge because their in the same situation. Crazy situation glad it’s behind me now

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Thank you Oliver. This is the tough time because all the frustrations and pain I have were numbed by drinking at night and passing out to make it another day. Now I am retraining myself to do other things instead at night. Like now I am playing board games with my Kids at night or reading a book, but since everything is so fresh at the moment it’s hard. I know alcohol is not healthy but I have a grandmother who is skinny, beautiful and healthy at 93 and she has been drinking wine every night since she was 26 years old, no one can seem to explain that. Every doctor tells me things like she just happens to be lucky, that’s just stupid.
Thanks for the advice.
Lisa

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You are stronger than you know! You can do this, just take one day at a time! :blush:

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