My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We moved to the US to give the kids a better life (We have two.)
Our son who is 16 and is/was using weed and xanax. He was also dealing. He failed multiple drug test at school, got expelled, got picked up for public intox and shoplifting. He spent Christmas and New Years in a youth shelter after a night in JDC after running away. He came home on a monitor for a month (he got it off last month). Since then we thought he was doing better but now I suspect that he’s using and selling again. He isn’t interacting with us. He did get a job though. We have fought and cried and given encouragment and it hasn’t helped.
I need to hear from other teen addicts (present or former users) to see if there is anything else to be done or should I just give up.
I’m lost and afraid and hopeless. What else can I do for him, for us, for his and our future?
Hi Cafecomleite. I am sorry to hear that your family is going through such a time of strife. Learn as much as you can about the drugs he uses and most importantly, why he uses. This might help to facilitate communication with him to get to root cause. Here a couple websites that might be helpful. Have you considered family therapy?
Hi there, sorry to hear about what your going through…me and all my friends were big pot smokiest ( my friends were into some heavier stuff) as teens.
We also all had pretty serious emotional issues that lead us to using drugs to coap.
Low self esteem, abuse ( physical, sexual, emotional, mental, various forms of neglect etc) were all part of our histories.
Do you think there is something he using teling you? Is it aware of himself? Or that you may be missing?
Every kid is different but for me and my circle we all had this in common.
I spent a month in a group home and it just taught me to hide my acting out better. Not to deal with any of it. I think a good councillor could really help. Someone he really trusts.
Hope this helps!
Does he have any hobbies?
@Cafecomleite I’m so sorry to hear the pain you’re going through. I’m 48 years old now and started drinking and drugging when I was 14. I put my parents through pure hell. I stoled their car, money, stuff, whatever I could to get what I needed. I had no regard for their rules, belongings or for what I was doing for them physically. I got a DUI when I was 17, went to a party at 18, was drugged and raped by a 40 yr old man on videotape, which later led me to attempt suicide, never told my parents why. They sent me to a mental hospital and I talked my way out of that and my behavior finally forced them to kick me out of the house. I was shocked! I slept in my car for a few days until I came crawling home. Things got a little better but I continued to “party” and not to long after, moved out myself. I didn’t truly get recovery until I was 39. I had had a child at 21, bounced around from one reckless relationship to another, somehow got a nursing degree and got married. My son is not an addict by any means, but when he was 18 and had graduated he refused to get a job, didn’t want to go to college and after 6 months of setting boundaries and he crossing the lines everytime, we kicked him out, no money, no car, nothing. He couch hopped for a while, then was sleeping under a bridge by my house, I prayed and cried all the time but I knew I couldn’t give in, and I hated myself for it. He eventually came home, she’d to our terms, got a job, moved out on his own and is now 26 and expecting my first grandbaby.Regarding ne and my siblings I often asked my mother how she made it through all the things we put her through (my 2 brothers were also addicts, imprisoned, and they too eventually found recovery) and she told me she prayed every day and night for us, she journaled about all of it, and my parents used tough love too. After we all turned 16 we were locked out if we didn’t come home at curfew, they would call the police on my brothers if they came home high on meth or became beligurant with either one of them. They did the only thing they knew to do. They told us the consequences of our actions and they never backed down. Did we like it? Absolutely not and we blamed them for all our problems until we ourselves got sober and realized they loved us and just were not going to kill themselves watching us kill ourselves any longer. Times are different now, there is so much more help and resources out there and there is a different understanding about alcoholism and addiction. Regardless of all that, as a parent you may have to draw a line in the sand and set serious boundaries that have consequences that he will have to be accountable to. And you have to be ready to stand your ground when it comes time to do the really hard stuff, even if it means watching him live with his choices. You and your family are in my prayers. Keep reaching out to every resource you can find in your area. Pray to whatever you have faith in and take care of your own mental health. You can Google Al-Anon in your area. It is a recovery/support program for the parents and families of the alcoholic/addict. It’s an amazing way for you and your spouse to learn tools to deal with your son’s behavior so that it doesn’t destroy you and give you a better understanding of what’s going on with his disease. Stay connected to forums like these and keep reaching out! You’re in my prayers!!
This is the al-anon /al-ateen site, for any info you need in your area. This is based off 12 step recovery. I know you mentioned your son’s primary addiction is xanax, they can be a resource for that too.
Sigh… the young Mind.
I’m not a teen anymore! I was a teen, I guess you were too!
Give him obligations to the family! Give him timelines to meet. We are having dinner at 6pm. If you can’t make it fine! You better have a reason.
Hi @Cafecomleite an welcome to the forum. Sorry, that is a very difficult situation and it’s something I’ve feared for my own two children, but luckily they are ok so far. If that was my situation, I would probably try to get him into an outpatient program that starts with detox (like the one I am in), or a full inpatient program. There is only so much I feel a parent can do, but being patient and supportive is always important. I also would recommend this very practical book, with a chapter on teens. I am reading it now:
take him to narcotics anonymous meeting get him a sponser
He is in outpatient counseling. But the counselor he was seeing got in an accident and so now he is seeing someone else. The time he spent in JDC and the shelter was because of me because I called his PO on him. He really seemed to be doing alot better (involved in the family, smiling, laughing). Then, he got a girlfriend then started staying out later and later.
He is also in a program here for at risk youth (run by an ex-addict, dealer, gang member). I go to counseling also. I also have to go to a court ordered parent support group (but only me and one other person showed ), and a court ordered parenting class.
He swears he hasn’t used since going to JDC. He did pass his drug test but I think he used after that. He goes to school for at risk kids too that gives random drug test.
We have argued, fought, cried and it has done no good.
I first meet my uncle in prison on armed robbery charges related to his addiction, my husband great up in another country very poor and was surrounded by drug violence.
I just don’t want to do. I know that it is up to him to change but don’t know when that will be.
THanks for listening
@Cafecomleite wow sounds like you guys have been fighting hard for him. I know he is “only” 16, but I want to ask - What does he want? Is he motivated to become clean and sober? Until he does, there may only be so much that can be done. Don’t mean to overstep here - all IMHO.
Hi @Cafecomleite I was a teen addict and was doing the same thing to my parents. My parents finally had enough and when I got out of the Army they walked away from me. You can be their for him but he has to hit rock bottom himself it will be hard to do. My mother and my ex wife went to allinon. I am 50 years old now and been sober for 27 years. Good luck I will keep you in my prayers don’t give up on him.
We have grounded him but he just sneaks out. We have let him go out but he doesn’t come home when we tell him. We have taken his phone away but he just takes our or gets another one. We have talked and yelled at him about his choices and the consequences. A couple weeks ago he did stay home and didn’t even want to go anywhere (this is the week he had broken up with his gf).but they are back together.
He maybe just sneaking out and lying because he is a love struck teen. But I don’t know the difference between normal teen boys and addicted teen boys.
As far as I know he hasn’t suffered any abuse or been neglected. He does have a mental health counsler (for difiant? disorder i.e. sneaking out, running away, skipping school) but she is ready to release him from treatment.
He did tell us before that he uses weed and xanax to relax so there’s anxiety there. We just found out he smokes cigarettes (he said it keeps him away from the drugs, my husband and I both smoke).
I don’t know if I’m making something out of nothing and he’s just doing teenage things or he’s caught up in drugs again. (I know my daughter snuck out, has used weed on occasion, gone to parties when she was his age but it didn’t affect her school or anything).
He says he wants a good life and a good job with good money. He wants to eventually have his own business (body shop, cell repair, mechanic). We have told him that the choices he is making will not lead him to a good life.
Again, how does one tell teen behavior from addict teen behavior? Am I accusing him of things he isnt doing (using, selling -I know he’s sneaking out but why).
I think once you figure out where the anxiety is coming from, you’ll be able to start treating the root cause of his issues. Anxiety is usually rooted in something real, otherwise it’s just paranoia.
Theres an interesting book called “Conquer your your critical inner voice” it’s an easy read and has some worksheets in it. Maybe read it yourself and see if you like it/ find anything interesting you can share with him in it? I’ll include a picture of the cover.
Maybe also have him check out SMART recovery worksheets? If he’s interested in a little self exploration he may be into checking those out.
Try not to compare him to his sister. My sister and I are very different but my sister also wasn’t treated the same way I was for a variety of reasons. For example, my sister found conformity and following traditional methods comforting and safe.
I had no interest with that and was always challenging the system, wanting to figure out my own way of doing things etc. The end result was a great relationship between my sister and my parents and a really rocky one that made me feel even more like crap about myself than I already was. ( my boyfriend a sex and porn addict had the same issues).
Maybe ask him what HE wants out of life for himself, and help him figure out how to get there. If he’s motivated he’ll most likely do what he needs to do to get or achieve what he wants.
He sounds pretty smart and strong willed 
if you can help him explore and learn how to channel that instead of trying to get rid of it or control it, you may be able to get what you want out of him in the end, but in a way that inspires him and gets him excited about setting and reaching his OWN goals.
Selling drugs st 16? He sounds like an entrepreneur ! Is there a way to fast track him to having his own legitimate business?
Once I got over the fact that I was never going to be like me sister (deans list / honour roll university grad) and discovered the benefits to my own personality / learning style, I gained the courage and confidence to become self employed and make quite a bit more $ than my sister (who ended up going back to school and changing careers for something less traditional).
I think that If someone had helped me understand this about myself in high school ( or even earlier) I never would have established drinking problems and my self esteem issues would have been less severe ( although I may have become a workaholic sooner lol).
I also would have saved thousands of dollars on wasted college tuition.
Anyhow just sharing some more of my experience in the hopes that you’ll find something you haven’t tried that can work
Btw, have you and your husband considered quitting smoking in solidarity with him giving up drugs? Clearly he is using to manage emotions like anxiety, and possible feelings of inadequacy (just like cigarette smokers do).
Because smoking cigarettes is legal we forget how dangerous it is (one of the leading causes of death around the world) not to mention addictive ( much more so than weed for most people).
Quitting would be setting a good example, keeping you healthier for your son ( and around longer), give you something in common you can support each other through and more.