I have decided I have a drinking problem. I don’t drink every day, but when I do, I drink until I blackout. Then I turn into another person. I end up having bruises, cuts, etc. The next day, and then I hear about what all I did. Unfortunately I have no morals or limits. I feel so full of shame I want to die. Is there anyway I can quit besides AA? And, about this person I become while intoxicated…is this simply the alcohol, or does this horrible personality dwell deep within me?
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In my opinion its the alcohol. I become a completely different person when im black out drunkand do things i would never ever do sober. I think that’s almost of all of us on here. I personally do AA, outpatient, and use this forum. Many people on here work a sober lifestyle without AA. Its just about finding what works for you. Best of luck! You can do this.
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I’m going to bet it’s just the alcohol. We all had that evil little shit hiding in our addiction. As to the quitting without AA, well I did it, but it involved a hell of a lot more effort than going to AA would have. And to top it all off I’m stepping out of the contemplation phase and shooting to go to my first meeting this week. 9+ months sober and I’m finally going to bite the bullet and just go. But this is just me. Everyone’s sobriety journey is their own.
Doing it without AA is definitely possible. I think it’s up to you how hard you want to look and how hard you want to fight. If you want more info on how I did it i will gladly let you know. Best of luck in your decision and your journey!
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I am not an AA person either, no judgment, i know it works for so many. Although its only been 6.5 days for me, I got sober in my 20’s and stayed sober for 15 years until I had surgery and those pills creeped their way into my life.
I don’t plan on going to NA/AA but I do have my own personal plan. I think its important. For me it’s spirituality, not God for me but nature, meditation, love, volunteering at am animal shelter, and making plans to have fun with my family.
Find something to heal yourself and emerce in it. Maybe it’s God, helping others, starting a buisness. You can start off slow, the better you feel, the more involved you become. Go to therapy if you can if not find ways to let it out. Apps like this, journal, talk.
Every time a want to use, I come on here and read the tragic stories of what people do and have done for their addictions THAT stops my thoughts for a bit and then I force myself to do something but everyone is diffrent. Find out what works for you and do it.
BTW, it is the alcohol not you. Like I said read the stories. Best of luck.
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As soon as we take the first drink, certain parts of our brains begin to be effected. These are the pleasure centers, and the areas where we process logic, which is where our judgement resides. Keep drinking and eventually these areas shut down completely. Once in “blackout” mode, it is our “reptilian brain” that is keeping us going. Yes you are a different person altogether, because the parts of your brain that make you who you are, are now off-line. It’s like giving yourself a temporary lobotomy.
Unfortunately, society doesn’t cut us a break when our “higher brain” is switched off. Get blackout drunk and kill or hurt someone, and you will face the consequences.
Best way to avoid that shame and guilt is to stay sober. Keep that part of your brain that makes you, “you” on-line and in control.
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Oh my gosh 15 years? I’ve gone a few months and it feels like forever. You never decided to try it again?
The same thing would happen with me, I call it my Dr Jeckyl and Mt Hyde. Alcohol can bring out a very dark and scary side. I never want to go back there again.
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Well, 12 to 16 I tried most every drug out there. 16 to 22, it was speed. Snorting herion the last 3 months. Luckily I went to jail, got out, did a rehab program. I didn’t like AA, I just got lost loving my son who I had at 18.
I almost lost custody of him from my addiction, that was enough. I thought about drugs alot but the worst was over at about 2 years clean.
Fast forward to now. Surgery+pills= A disaster that lasted 7 years. I thought I was fine. I’ve been clean, this isn’t my drug of choice. I’m fine.
Ughhh. 6.7 days.
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Brilliant way of thinking about it. Thanks!
Hi Slush…I go to smart meetings once a week…I find them really helpful… let me know if you want more information…
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Thanks everyone, it makes me feel “slightly” better knowing that it is the alcohol making me act that way. Though it is up to me whether or not I pick up the first drink. I have never heard of smart recovery. I hope to google it today and see if it is something that might be a good fit for me. I am fixing to be off to work to open till close…short staffed…so, I may not have too much time. I did actually look into an outpatient treatment center, and unfortunately all the hours available for that were not at all compatable with my work schedule. I am glad to have found this online forum, cause it may only be my way of getting help. I’m fixing to have to leave a bit early…I have some damage control to tend to before work. I sure appreciate everyone that replied to my post. I wish I could have supportive friends in real life.
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Just out of curiosity why anything besides AA? I only ask because that’s what my thought process was as well. Like I said above I’m going to check it out after all this time, mostly because I’m having health issues and it’s really pushing me towards wanting to go back to using. I’m always interested in hearing other people’s opinions, ideas and feelings on things, helps me weigh my own stuff.
I have bad experiences with people in AA, plus, I cannot make meetings with my work schedule. I never believed in the constant negative reinforcement as in introducing myself as an alcoholic. I’d much rather say I am recovering today. I may end up having to go …but for now, will look for alternatives.
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Totally fair. I get it. I think the only reason I’m seriously considering it at this point is meeting people like myself. Well, and I’m totally failing at the living part. Guess that’s a big thing. I don’t know. There are a ton of reasons I suppose and I don’t have nearly as many answers as I’d like to.
Also the work schedule thing I understand. I work super early and I take mental health meds that require me to be in bed, trying to sleep for at least 8 hours. And sleep hygiene requires me to go to bed at the same time every night. Not as many options as I’d like. But… I digress.
Okay, I’m scared shittless too. There I said it.
This is the term we seem to use as well. Both my boyfriend and I are absolutely Jekyll and Hyde when we drink. We have both said things to each other we would never, ever say sober and gone for low blows and don’t like looking back on those memories. It helps to keep us in check to remember how bad it is when we drink but how good it is when we don’t.
I’ve done AA, and did it for the first 6 or so months when I got sober for 2.5 years. It was nice to have the support, but ultimately it isn’t what kept me sober. I have a therapist, I reached out to a lot of friends that I had shut myself off from or who didn’t know about my problem, and began to put my all into my job, my friendships, and things that I was passionate about. It isn’t a program for everyone, and it’s possible to stay sober without it. You just need to find something that is going to work for you.
actually this morning, I thought seriously about trying to find at least one meeting I could actually get to…I am off on Sundays, and I, like you, would love to find people to relate to…like on here. And being scared is an understatement for sure…for me at least…I suppose I would have to go to many different meetings…avoid sponsorship…and pray for the best. The reason I would avoid sponsorship is because I don’t need to be guilted about my inability to do a 90 in 90…Good luck to you…I hope you find the perfect place filled with the people you seek!
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From what I understand a lot, if not the majority, of people beginning AA don’t do 90 in 90. Some people don’t work the steps. @Bill_Phillips has a program he’s designed himself that seems like something I may follow. Everyone around here and the few people I know in real life that have tried AA all have amazing stories about it. From the hardcore 12 steppers to the people who go sporadically.
For me, I just have to get the hell out of my head and take the leap. If I don’t like it I haven’t lost anything.
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For me it was addressing the why behind the what. It took checking myself into a 30 day inpatient program to do that and as hard as it was to leave my husband and 5 children to do that, it was the best gift I have given myself and them. Over 2 yrs sober, and not going back.
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