124 days and I miss my dad


#1

I apologize in advance for the table of 1 pity party, I just really needed to vent. Life has been really overwhelming lately. I hate my job, but I have over $100,000 worth of completely debt free education and degrees that are specifically suited to that career field and 15 years toward retirement so I’m well and truly stuck. My mental health issues have been a little whack lately and exacerbated by not being able to get my exercise of choice, thanks broken leg! My thyroid is underactive again too so that’s not helping. I’ve been totally unmotivated for weeks to do anything besides the bare minimum of self care and daily routine of go to work, come home, care for dogs, go to bed. Today, for the 3rd time in 2 months, my brother texted asking for money. They’re in a bad place financially, medically, everything. Life has just not been good to them, but I know my parents bailed them out years ago from this same type of stuff and as far as I know this situation isn’t going to improve because they’re heavily in debt and living on one income. Its not that I can’t help, its just that at what point am I enabling bad decision making on their part? And anytime I give someone money I do so with the knowledge that its not a loan. If they could pay it back they wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in to begin with. I think, all told so far, I’ve already given them almost 300. He didn’t give a specific number this time and with my husband and I both working, and not having kids, its not like we can’t afford it, so I feel bad saying no. There’s a lot more to the story but I feel like I’ve rambled enough and I really just wish I could go to my dad and ask him what to do but unfortunately as most of you know, he passed last year. If I say yes I’m turning into a bank and if I say no I sit here and feel guilty and worry about whether they have enough money for the shit they need


#2

Lending money to family is always hard. Is there a reason he can’t get on top of his financial situation? Could you work with him to set up a plan on spending more wisely?


#3

You’ve already given them 300k or $300 ? Either way it’s irrelevant. When I got my inheritance I went through something similar. Just because you can afford it doesn’t make you obligated to give it. Tough spot to be in. If you give in this time where will it end?


#4

I think they’re at a point now where they literally owe more than they could ever make in a month. Problem is they already declared bankruptcy once 4 years ago and are still paying that debt. He’s older than me so I already know if I tried to sit with him and help him work on some kind of money budgeting I’d be rebuffed.


#5

Just $300.00 lol I wish I had 300,000 to give :grin: Thats kind of what I’m worried about. If I keep saying yes at what point is he going to learn to live within the means of what they’re bringing in, or talk with one of those debt management companies to consolidate everything so they can get this under control?


#6

I really feel for you. It’s almost like being punished for having your life together and having your own money. I think you gotta put your foot down.


#7

Yeah that’s really tough :confused: Maybe offer to help with his kids? I mean, that’s in no way your responsibility but it’s a way to help without money and maybe they could be a two income house. Giving money will really make them dependent on you to come back imo. You don’t have to answer this, but how does someone get into that amount of debt? I know it happens


#8

One kid is grown and out of the house and the other is 16. His wife has chronic illnesses so she can’t work. She has a literal color coded binder of stuff going back years. I honestly don’t know, I think it’s a combination of poor decision making, buying shit they didn’t need. I’m flummoxed.


#9

Here’s what I did… it’s the only thing that made sense to me, and it’s similar situation as you with the money thing.

I let them have the money, and told them this is the very last time I will let them borrow money from me. If they call again I will absolutely say no. Perhaps, call your 16 yr old niece and tell her if she has some needs for school related items you might help.

I’m not sure, but maybe you have room to take in your niece? ( I hate watching the kids suffer for bad decisions parents make…)


#10

The nephew is the one still at home, I think my SIL would prob have me taken out before she’d let me take her kid. The oldest, my niece, is making life choices I don’t agree with right now too, but its her life to destroy. I told her if she wanted help utilizing her dads GI Bill to go to college I would hand walk her through the process and would help where and when I could with book costs and stuff but that I was going to be very hands on budget wise with the housing allowance she would be getting. I won’t just be handing her money. I did end up telling them no. We do actually have a potential debt pending on the horizon that we’re working to get reduced or erased altogether so its not a lie I just told him we couldn’t keep giving them money. I still feel sick about it.


#11

It’s very difficult for GI Bill thing, unless he xfered prior to getting out or has another eligible transfer criteria. I’ve already went that route with it, and got bit transferring it. 17yr Vet and DoD employee.

I know where your coming from wanting to help… but your right on all accounts they all need to learn to manage the financial situation. “ Give a man fish he eats for a night, teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime.”


#12

My padre lost his brother around the time I was born. His brother had 4 kids, one was mentally challenged and pretty much wheel chair bound. The two guys were older than I by 5 to 10 years. They always leaned on my old man to co-sign for them for various things. While they intended to pay – well you knew that trouble wasn’t far behind them. As bad as it was, he never co-signed for them and never gave them more than a 20. I am sure it was very uncomfortable-- but they never learned until they were in enough pain. One still hasn’t – last i heard.


#13

Thankfully the transfer was done years ago, its just a matter of getting her to an admissions office at the school and starting the paperwork to get her certificate of eligibility from the VA. Last I heard she’d at least done the online portion but that was weeks ago :woman_shrugging: I used up all of my GI money a few years ago which is why I offered to help her but I’m not gonna chase her around trying to make sure she stays on top of it lol. She’s gotta learn the hard way like I did I guess.


#14

After I sent that, I thought I might have come across kinda insensitive. I thought immediately that maybe they have medical bills. But I couldn’t get to my phone to edit it :frowning: you didn’t respond is the way at all, but if I offended anyone by questioning debt, that’s totally my bad.

Geez what a stressful situation. I think you did the right thing saying no… I’m sorry you are feeling like shit now. I totally know the feeling.


#15

I don’t deal with my family except my mom. But i can relate to the dad part. I lost mine last year (one year will be on the 20th which ironically last year when he passed that night was my 7 months sober.). And sometimes i just want to call him, or text him. But i cant.