Day 365.
One year ago today. Man, I woke up the sickest I had ever been from alcohol. Getting sick from it was nothing foreign to me, but this was a whole new level!
I had intended for the weekend before to be the end of my drinking career. But then Friday came and I didn’t break my cycle when I had vodka in front of me and people here wanting to party. I drank, played games and got really wasted, really fast.
I was up sick all night and most of the next day. When I looked in the mirror, I did NOT recognize the monster looking back at me. I knew without a doubt now that the doctors were wrong and my face rash had nothing to do with roseacea or excema-it was directly effected by my drinking. I had a hunch before that made me wonder but this totally verified it. I normally post my before photo of me that I took after I showered and looked more alive but this is really where I was when I was truly at my worst. I took these pictures to remember this.
My mother had been diagnosed with Candida that week and we messaged about it that morning so while I was sick in bed, I started looking up her ailments to see how I could help her heal. As I was reading, I said out loud, holy shit! This is what I think I have! With that discovery, I was firm on not poisoning myself for a bit to get that under control now that I knew for sure not drinking would help it.
Within a day, it started healing. By day 3, the rash I had for MONTHS was almost gone! I had downloaded an app to track my time and money saved with no alcohol and discovered the chat by accident.
While I was in here on the message boards I realized my problem was much bigger than I thought. I grew up in a family of alcoholics, both sides of the gene pool. It killed my father and my aunt. Yet, somehow I thought I was different than them. I didn’t drink and drive, I didnt move on to other hard drugs, I kept my job, I paid my bills (how, honestly I have NO idea with how much I spent on alcohol), I have many I know way worse off than me so if they don’t have a problem, I must not! Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong! I was heading right down their path.
I’d drank at least every weekend for well over 2 decades. In the year before I quit, I had turned into a daily drinker. I would cry often by the end of the night, that was new. I was absolutely miserable and had no idea how to handle the chaos I totally didn’t see coming that I had invited into my life. It was my way of allowing myself to not care about it, but when even that stopped working and I became an emotional drunk, I knew it was time to make some changes. What was happening wasn’t ok on any level-getting wasted couldn’t even mask the emotional pain anymore. This is why I had intended on quitting, and hoped it would also helpful my face as a bonus.
But until I got here on TS, I really didn’t know anyone sober. Here is where I got the information that truly saved my life and it went from being a temporary break from alcohol to a long term lifestyle change. I saw here, I was totally on my dad and aunts path-I was walking right in their footsteps and I likely would end up JUST like them. My dad died at 45. My aunt was 56. Its a progressive thing and I certainly had progressed with it. In the months prior, I blacked out more times than I could count. Almost daily. I knew that wasn’t ok but I was still on the fence of, can I ever be a “normal” drinker and moderate? Talking Sober is what saved my life and where I was able to ask myself, even if I somehow actually could, why would I want to take the chance of trying to moderate? Is it REALLY worth the possibility that my son would have to live without like I have my dad for 22 years, at my own hands no less? No way. Do I ever want my health to go back to where it was? Nope. Plus, there is simply not ONE good reason I’ve found this last year to drink. Just a lot of bullshit excuses is what I came up with and a list a mile long of reasons NOT to drink!
So, here I am now! One day at a time, I have hit a full year with no alcohol. My life is so different on the inside now! I’m still surrounded by chaos, but it doesn’t rule me, it actually barely effects me now. I’ve found calm in the storm. My self worth does NOT depend on external sources at all anymore. I stopped the bleeding out and loss of myself to make others comfortable. Spiritual death happens one compromise at a time I’ve learned. I have a better and more open relationship with my son than I ever could have dreamt, that’s been a wonderful thing because these conversations really do matter. I feel way more like myself than I have in the last 20 years. I rediscovered my love for being an artist. I am discovering my spiritual side as well as the world of energy healing. I’ve shifted my mindset to be much less negative and I’ve made time and space for me to love myself again. I still have a lot I’m working on accomplishing, but I am really stoked about the progress I have made now that I’ve been able to open my eyes with sobriety.
I’m getting back to being the real inner ME and THAT is my favorite change! 
♀:mermaid:♀:two_hearts:
