2+ years sober and hitting all the feels

Hey guys! This is my first post in here so I want to say thank you for allowing me into this community. I have been sober for 2 years and 4 months. I started to feel great up until January of this year when I lost my grandmother. Then it was an emotional spiral. I wrote something and I’m hoping someone understands how I feel right now

Just before the worst of my anxiety I tend to feel clingy. And then once it settles in I seek isolation even though I actually want to be smothered by the presence of a select group of friends.

Then I feel guilty that I’m selective about the support I receive instead. Which makes me question if I deserve the attention.

But really I just dont want to feel any of it so I further isolate. I’ll be nonsensical and goofy in attempt to downplay my melancholy. And it’ll work for a while. I’ll forget I’m depressed until I don’t.

And this is just one routine way it displays itself. I mean my anxiety always includes guilt and lowself worth. But sometimes it makes me irritatable because I’m aware of it.

It’s not that I am craving the drink. I’m craving the powers of the drink. The powers it gave me to feel numb. The power it gave me to be strong. I have all this with sobriety. I just don’t know how to harness it without destroying the emotions of the people I love. I don’t want to hurt nor do I want other to continue to hurt from me because I haven’t figured out my emotions.

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Sorry to hear about the passing of your grandmother.
Grief can affect people in different ways. And take it’s time in coming out.
I’m in no way qualified to offer any more advice here than to say, I can understand the feelings around the “powers of alcohol”. And why you would want that. But you have over two years sober. You have the tools to face this down and come out the other side.
It’s just another curve ball that has been thrown at you. And like any hump in the road, we have to get over it. Some humps take longer than others. Some humps are bloody great mountains, that we sweat and graze our knuckles on. But get over then we do. Some tears may fall, some days we may not feel like getting outta bed. But we do because we know we are better than this.
Don’t know if any of this ramble helps, but basically you have it within yourself to get past this.

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My twin brother passed away on sunday have lost my three brothers now in three years drink never crossed my mind but im emotional at the moment we were 5 min apart but i have friends in AA who i can phone and talk to the program i work gives me strength and the ability to make decisions on how i react wish you well

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So sorry for your loss ray . Sending you lots of love x

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Ray, I’m tremendously sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that. I wish you strength and love on your continued journey and know that he will always be with you.

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I’m so sorry, Ray. :heart:

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