If you didn’t read my intro thread, the basic rundown consists of me abusing drugs and alcohol as a social lubricant instead of getting self respect and tackling anxieties head on. I quit everything but hand-rolled tobacco cigarettes almost four weeks ago after my last session left me emotionally paralysed for three days
What charged those three days of misery was an intoxicated interaction with an amazing girl that turned into a shoulder so cold icicles formed on it. I couldn’t figure out why. Naturally, the instinct was to blame myself, micro-analysing the night’s events to figure out what I’d done to prompt this u-turn.
After the after-party, I said my farewells and bounced. Sent a courtesy text afterwards. Nothing. I freaked out hard and committed to sobering up because I didn’t want to feel that way again, nor upset someone because of my high behavior. As the days went by in radio silence, I gradually accepted the night’s events with a ‘Come what may’ attitude. If I’ve been stupid, it’ll come back to me.
Three weeks later, a curve ball comes flying.
She texted me, apologised for how she was and said the drugs sent her mind into an anxious spiral. She couldn’t hack anyone or anything, hence the freeze up. I empathised. Said I was exactly the same, not to worry and the truth. It affected me to the point of embracing sobriety.
When the conversation was over, my initial thought was ‘I’m not as bad as I thought. I don’t have to be sober. I just need to remind myself after the fact that the way I’m feeling is down to what I take and it’ll all pass. Have your booze and drink it too.’
Then I realised that actually, it was drinking and drugs that left me feeling that low. Skip it out entirely. It’s not worth the up. Especially in comparison with how awesome Sober Life has been. So rather than relapse like my initial instinct, the conversation and clearing my guilt has actually strengthened my resolve to remain sober. I’m coming to the end of my fourth week now. I feel good about myself, about life and my future. Why smash that now?
Tl:Dr: Sobriety is the better option. Keep it up.