For some years I have been thinking of asking for help, but this is the first time I am actually doing it. I am 49 years old, and today is again day #1…
My grandfather made wine in his small farm, back in Portugal. The first time I got slightly drunk I was 7 years old, when the family was tasting that year’s wine. The first time I vomited for big alcohol consumption I was 11. I was sick for days.
From my 16 years old on I was going to the night life with friends and getting drunk several times per week. On my 20s there were also some phases of cocaine, ecstasy, lsd, but fortunately they did not stay.
I always had trouble to get to sleep and the first sleeping pill my mother gave me I was 3 or 4. At 10 years old I was addicted to sleeping pills. When at 16 I discovered cannabis, I replaced the sleeping pills for a joint (I was already smoking cigarettes since 12). I stopped smoking cigarettes in 2017, after 32 years of addiction. From that moment on I started using cannabis edibles to be able to sleep. But my memory is so bad that this year I went back to the sleeping pills.
Back to alcohol… when I was 23 my father died. I entered in a very dark phase of my life, consuming a lot and being very depressed, with a total lack of self love. From all that suffering came a desire for improving my life and spirituality. I read all the books, I went to hundreds of retreats, meditation, healthy food, and it helped a lot. I was so invested in my recovery and learning so much, that when I was 28 I opened an holistic center and macrobiotic restaurant in my hometown, Porto. But even then, once or twice a month I had to get very drunk. And I never remember what happened.
In 2008 I left Portugal and went to live in Brazil. I lived in many spiritual communities and centers, meditating every day, fasting, singing mantras, eating vegetarian, etc, etc, etc, and I had to leave at least once a month to get drunk.
My stayed in Brazil did not finish very well, I had several disappointments with so called “gurus”…
With the pain of losing a house I built in a retreat center, and the end of the dream of living in an intentional spiritual community, I started drinking more regularly. I kept a hidden bottle.
Already leaving in Canada, for many years I managed my anxiety with 3 IPAs a day. One at 11am, second at 2pm, and third at 5 or 6pm.
But since I met my partner, in 2016, my consumption of alcohol increased a lot. We both work from home, with very free lives.
In these last 5 years I have been living in a constant cycle of promessing quitting, not drinking for 1 week (sometimes managing more), then start drinking a little, until drinking a lot, not knowing what I am doing, my brain unable to think properly, and entering in a huge depression. And here we go again… Since covid hit, March 2020, I gained 40 pounds. I used to be beautiful, now I feel fat and ugly.
I was always very successful in the work area of my life, I think I am a functional alcoholic. I work while drunk, the next day I don’t remember what I did the previous day, and when I check, all is done properly.
If you managed to read until here, if you have an inspirational, successful story that somehowrelates with mine, I would love to be inspired by you! Just send me the link.
I am terribly scared of failing. I tried to stop drinking hundreds of times before, and I never succeeded. And my relationship with alcohol has 42 years…
But this is the first time I ask for help. Scared and hopeful.
And grateful for your reading 
I am sorry for your suffering. It is hard living that life of drink or drugs, feel bad, repeat.
