This is a ramble/vent. I’m starting to feel a fair bit of pressure because my closest friends know that I’ve quit.
It was necessary for me to quit because I smoked almost constantly. It was holding me back. Lately I’ve realized that if I keep this up, I can pass a drug test and land a high paying job.
That doesn’t stop me from wanting to smoke. I wish that I were not “powerless over my addiction.” I put that in quotes because I’ve been presented with that fact by media a lot lately. They’re not my own words. Although it is true. I cannot control my addiction. I cannot buy just a little weed, smoke once, and be satisfied.
I’d been smoking for like ten years. My abusive parents gave me weed when I was still a teenager. In my recent struggles to quit, I noticed that I abuse weed as a coping mechanism, often for anxiety. The funny thing is that it doesn’t really work.
I have to keep at it. This is hard, but I think it will get easier. The first 3-4 days were easy because I’ve been sortof weening myself off of it for the last month. But damn if I don’t want to buy weed right now. I’m so glad that even though my addiction is legal, I can’t just go to 7/11 in the middle of the night and buy it. The struggle to maintain willpower must be much harder for other addicts. Although, if I really wanted to, I could probably get weed from someone. But how trashy would that be? I don’t want to sabotage myself. I want to try, and sink or swim of my own power. I think I’ve been letting weed hold me back because it made me feel safe.
When can I throw away my bong? I don’t know, but not yet. I would like to throw it away around the two week mark because I think that will be the hardest point. I want to increase the monetary commitment of a future relapse, to discourage the changes. But maybe that is counter-productive, because of that aforementioned commitment.
Thanks for reading. TL;DR: I have struggled with smoking weed for half my life because I was set up by abusive parents. Quitting is hard and scary, but opening new opportunities.