6 hours and 33min sober.......*mental health triggering content*

I was doing really well until Tuesday this week. Some bad stuff started happening in the teams I manage, one of the supported people was rushed to the regional infectious disease unit so was dealing with that and trying to keep her team and family from freaking the hell out…then I had a support worker resign, another one I’ve had to put on performance review, another one challenging me on every decision made with regards her team (cant wait for her to go on maternity leave)…and a new service thats good to go, but the fundings messed up and I’ve no clue how to fix it.

So Tuesday I drank a bottle and half of wine. Next day my working day was from 8.30am to 8.30pm and it sucked. I had a supervision with one of my support workers and I knew I didnt give her my all. Went home that night and drank some more. A lot more. Next day I had to go up to the hospital to visit with the lady in the infectious diseases unit (to prove to her support worker and family that it is ok to visit with her) and that was painful. Got hpme that night and drank again. Lots.

So I decided to take some of my 30hrs toil time back and take Friday off. Depression came over me. It had been lurking for a few weeks now but it flat out floored me Friday. I didnt really get out of bed much. Except to get more alcohol and drink loads. And then I took a lot of pills, hoping I’d go to sleep and not wake up. But next morning I woke up and still felt like crap. So last night I tried again. And again woke up this morning. I’ve had depression since I was about 9 years old and suicidal thoughts came soon after and I’ve been living with them and coping ok. But this weekend is the first time I’ve actually taken steps to end my life. And I know if I hadn’t been drinking I would have done what I normally do when it gets too much to cope with.

So I’m 6 hours and now about 50min sober. I’m going to make an appointment with my GP for this week if there’s an appointment available with her and talk to her about this. Now I think I need more help getting sober than what I’m doing right now. Because what I’m doing right now, obviously isn’t working.

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Hi @Lncy I’m sorry you’ve been having a tough time.

Do you live in the UK? There’s lots of help available to you now rather than waiting for a GP appointment which can take some time.

It’s good you are trying to stay sober and please take the small steps where required, a day, an hour a minute at a time etc.

By staying sober and away from pills your mind will become clearer over time and you’ll be able to face these challenging in a much more constructive way, they’ll still be difficult at times, but with a sober mind you’ll handle them much better.

You have to recognise that you can solve your own problems, but you can’t solve other peoples so start to focus on yourself. If you’re owed time back from work I’d suggest you take it to clear your head and take the steps you need to take to stay on your sober path.

My message box is always open and I check in here regularly so message me anytime and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can.

Your life is worth living, keep telling yourself that and start believing it. You are in my prayers.

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@Lncy. I’m sorry that you have struggled. My suggestion is to no matter what is going on in your life take care of you and your sobriety. It’s scary how quick we think that the alcohol can or will fix our problems. It has never solved one of mine yet and I’ve tried really tried. Not sure what you were doing to keep yourself sober but I will suggest getting into a program and hit meetings (doesn’t have to be AA). But you were close enough this time don’t push yourself to that place again. Hang in there. Stay strong. Oh I think you eluded to it but some counseling might benefit you greatly.

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@Lncy it hurts my heart to hear how much you are struggling. I am very happy that you are going to speak to your GP About all this. I’m sure they will have some good suggestions. Sometimes even talk therapy can make all of the difference. Or even learning some new stress management techniques. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are here to help you through tough times. If you are having suicidal thoughts please reach out. I know from personal experience how dark things can get. You deserve happiness and peace. Sending love your way.

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Thinking about you. You’re worth the fight!

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@Lncy stay strong! The negative feelings and thinking will subside.

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