I’m going to lead this with a trigger warning. I didnt make this as a hopeful post, and I dont want to say anything that might make a negative impact on someones sobriety. I’m just so deeply ashamed of myself, and I wanted to express how I’m truly feeling rather than purposefully spin it in a positive way. I dont know who else to tell, or where else to go. I feel so alone.
A couple people might remember me, I posted a while back about being a 21 year old alcoholic (Now 22), and my story.
I was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis from a mere 3 years of drinking, with 2 years of those being heavy drinking. I had my first sip of alcohol when I was 18, and my diagnosis came when I was 21. My ALT levels were 1400, and my AST was 1700. The day I found out, I quit cold turkey and I was sober for 6 months. 6 months, exactly. To the day. When I was diagnosed, my doctor made a comment that it would take 6 months for my liver to fully heal and be “normal” again. I brushed it off, convinced I would never drink again. The 6 months timeline should be irrelevant, right?
I kept track of my sobriety, not consciously realizing that instead of counting up the days that I was sober, I was just counting down the days I could drink again with a guilt free conscience. It wasnt a decision I knew that I had made. I wasnt aware of my mindset, of how those gears in the back of my subconscious were slowly turning, grinding with the help of the alcoholic sludge that has coated everything in its sight with thick, sticky grime.
After about 4 months, I had my blood work done again and found that my ALT/AST had returned to the low-normal range. My bilirubin was very slightly elevated, but so slight that she believes it might just be my “normal”. I was so relieved, so proud. I had beat the odds and come back from the worst alcoholic hepatitis she said she had seen.
When I checked my counter and saw that the 6 month milestone had been reached, I realized what I had been doing. I turned it into a goal, rather than a milestone. Instead of being proud and excited to reach the next milestone, I was proud, and filled with trepidation. It was a horrible, gut wrenching feeling of knowing I was going to start again. I had been building the anticipation up too long. I knew that I would essentially be drinking with a completely “healthy” liver, and the dam that was holding back the alcoholic sludge broke, and I was immediately drowning again. I relapsed.
I deleted this app out of my shame. So many people had given me words of hope and encouragement, so many people told me that my story inspired them. Yet, here I am, the young alcoholic destined to disappoint. I’ve been drinking again for about a month now, and it seems impossible to stop. It feels harder to stop now than it did before I was sober for half a year. I’m not drinking as much, but I know I shouldn’t be drinking at all. I’ve been experiencing random, sharp pains in my upper right abdomen and side, and I’ve convinced myself it’s from my liver because of my failure. I know relapse is normal, I know it’s not something to be ashamed of, but I cant stop from hating myself for it. And, of course, that drives me to the bottle even faster. I’m so ashamed, and I’m so sorry. I dont know what to do, and I dont know if I could do it even if I did.