6 months of sobriety, wasted

I’m going to lead this with a trigger warning. I didnt make this as a hopeful post, and I dont want to say anything that might make a negative impact on someones sobriety. I’m just so deeply ashamed of myself, and I wanted to express how I’m truly feeling rather than purposefully spin it in a positive way. I dont know who else to tell, or where else to go. I feel so alone.

A couple people might remember me, I posted a while back about being a 21 year old alcoholic (Now 22), and my story.

I was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis from a mere 3 years of drinking, with 2 years of those being heavy drinking. I had my first sip of alcohol when I was 18, and my diagnosis came when I was 21. My ALT levels were 1400, and my AST was 1700. The day I found out, I quit cold turkey and I was sober for 6 months. 6 months, exactly. To the day. When I was diagnosed, my doctor made a comment that it would take 6 months for my liver to fully heal and be “normal” again. I brushed it off, convinced I would never drink again. The 6 months timeline should be irrelevant, right?

I kept track of my sobriety, not consciously realizing that instead of counting up the days that I was sober, I was just counting down the days I could drink again with a guilt free conscience. It wasnt a decision I knew that I had made. I wasnt aware of my mindset, of how those gears in the back of my subconscious were slowly turning, grinding with the help of the alcoholic sludge that has coated everything in its sight with thick, sticky grime.
After about 4 months, I had my blood work done again and found that my ALT/AST had returned to the low-normal range. My bilirubin was very slightly elevated, but so slight that she believes it might just be my “normal”. I was so relieved, so proud. I had beat the odds and come back from the worst alcoholic hepatitis she said she had seen.
When I checked my counter and saw that the 6 month milestone had been reached, I realized what I had been doing. I turned it into a goal, rather than a milestone. Instead of being proud and excited to reach the next milestone, I was proud, and filled with trepidation. It was a horrible, gut wrenching feeling of knowing I was going to start again. I had been building the anticipation up too long. I knew that I would essentially be drinking with a completely “healthy” liver, and the dam that was holding back the alcoholic sludge broke, and I was immediately drowning again. I relapsed.

I deleted this app out of my shame. So many people had given me words of hope and encouragement, so many people told me that my story inspired them. Yet, here I am, the young alcoholic destined to disappoint. I’ve been drinking again for about a month now, and it seems impossible to stop. It feels harder to stop now than it did before I was sober for half a year. I’m not drinking as much, but I know I shouldn’t be drinking at all. I’ve been experiencing random, sharp pains in my upper right abdomen and side, and I’ve convinced myself it’s from my liver because of my failure. I know relapse is normal, I know it’s not something to be ashamed of, but I cant stop from hating myself for it. And, of course, that drives me to the bottle even faster. I’m so ashamed, and I’m so sorry. I dont know what to do, and I dont know if I could do it even if I did.

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I’m sure lots of people remember you. I’m happy to see you’re back, I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances… What had you been doing during those 6 months to support your Sobriety? And do you want to be sober again?

You need to stop. You can do this… you did it before. Your body is giving you signs… listen to it. Nothing is impossible. You are important and are supported here. :blush::heart:

Hello VerDen :hugs::four_leaf_clover: Wecome back! :heart:
First of all I must say that I admire the way how you can self-reflect and your total honesty not only regarding the fact that you wrote everything down to us but also that you admitted your deep subconscious thoughts to yourself! :pray:t2: That’s one assumption to be successful when you’re following your dream, whatever it is :wink:

I’m sorry that you have a drinking problem. And I am sorry that it’s also followed with health issues. But I will tell you what - it is very up to you if you decide to work hard and get yourself strong to stop drinking again. You can do it. People can do WHATEVER they WANT if they make up their mind and stick with the journey.
You have already done it once. I would suggest to be counting the days up, towards the sober life this time :blush:

I kept relapsing for 3 years myself before I was able to finally stop drinking. I couldn’t find the true reason why I want to stop and so I was pushing myself every single day, going against my desire to drink, refusing the booze using my willpower until in one beautiful day I finally understood that it is not the way and since then I didn’t have to push myself anymore. I started wanting to stop, I clearly saw the reality and the true face of alcohol, all the things it was causing to me and then the sense of drinking was gone. I couldn’t see any.

I believe that we just need to find the reason(s) why we really want to stop and understand ourselves better. Don’t give up. Keep fighting as long as you can, until desperation, until you will see what’s hidden behind alcohol. I can tell you that if you can wake up and be present in your life, conciscously pay attention to world around you and feel your emotions…then you’ll never need a booze again. You’ll see that getting drunk, even for a little bit, doesn’t make any sence…

We are here for you. The group of people using this app is awesome. You can read through others experience. Others stories. Download Recovery Elevator on the Podbean app, it helped to me very much when I was at the beginning of my journey. Maybe you’ll find it interesting, too.

Good luck :four_leaf_clover: and keep us updated. Write whenever and whatever. Being here will help you. We’re with you :heart:

Relapses happen and guilt is normal, and healthy. Try to process that and navigate in a gentle way. I like to make lists. Pros/cons, benefits/setbacks etc when it comes to my drinking. Sometimes having it all out on paper is a good reminder. (And it’s a good way to kill some time not drinking).
Try again! When they say “one day at a time” that’s really what it is. Today I’m sober. Today I’m not going to drink. I like to remind myself of that every morning. I make a little pledge. Outpatient has been great for me as well and I’ve been getting more into meetings. It’s some work, but it’s worth it. Do it for your health and happiness so you won’t have to feel this shame again :black_heart:
Sending love.

That’s 6 months isn’t wasted. That was 6 months of courage, learning, strength, self-love and determination. That 6 months happened and is proof that you can be sober and choose not to drink! Amazing! Revel in that. Use this relapse and how you are now currently feeling as a tool and motivation to move forward and build again on that 6 months. Imagine if you hadn’t even had that 6 months. Well, you’d be much worse for wear now. I am proud of your 6 months, it’s shows your strength. I hope you can feel proud too. Posting here also proves that you are courageous and wise. That you know you need support and to receive that you need to reach out. Keep reaching out. We’re here. Read as much as you can. Become so knowledgeable on recovery and sobriety that you know exactly where you’re headed and how you’re going to “get there”. Take things one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Know you are worthy of feeling good and being sober. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing. :pray:

Thank you for this post, honesty. It is not easy. You are not judged here. The biggest judge is you. I had several relapses until I was willing to learn something of them. Basically I relapsed each day. Until I started to find out what was before the relapse. Most of the time I felt not worth anything. And there is where my work started. And then I could really learn something from the past. So can you. And you already did it.

Being the drunk I am, I can relate on the obsession. The job I do makes me fully understand the process your liver goes through and why.
Consider this: some folks develop type 1 diabetes and it’s oftentimes abrupt . Without insulin sugars soar and they become very sick and can die. Others have triglycerides through the roof and can have acute pancreatitis and decompensate/die very rapidly.
See, we all damn near get a card as I see it. Few, in my 30yrs of medicine escape without at least one. Some get the diabetes card others the cancer card and sometimes we get several cards at once. The question is are you going to let your card choose how healthy or how poorly you spend your life? Accepting is everything, not beating yourself up is growing and arresting the disease process is winning. Hugs and please stick around, there’s only one of you.