I want to say I got this shit now. But I know it’s still one day at a time. I am happy to say I finally had done before the covi19 shit started going to an AA meeting. I found one I was comfortable at. Then when everything went into lock down I am not going to lie I went over board I lost control with everything. A week bengie which to some may not seem like much. But when it’s more then a 5th of hard alcohol nightly I drank my dinner an some other things then threw up over and over. I went back to my AA meeting last sunday for there first one back. Happy mother’s day! After the meeting I just had this since of it’s “NOW OR NEVER”. I went home and I cleaned everything that was mine out alchohol and more. It all.left my house Monday. I didnt use anything Sunday.
This week has been ruff. I haven’t been this dry/clean in several years now. This week has been filled with withdrawals, nightmares, sweats, sleep deprivation, and little communication from me. My brain has been stuck in a fog. Friday night he decided as he is drinking to pick a fight with me after asking all week what is wrong. I did not explain as the last time I tried I was called a lier. So I did nothing.
Today’s meeting I did not say much. I was quite and mr man asked me to talk because i had been so quite. But all i could get out is it’s been a ruff week and I cleaned everything out after our last meeting. My group is small but perfect for me and everything one told me great job. I cant say I have felt that support during this time of chaos in my life. I have no family that supports me or that I will even talk to now and the person I should be able to talk to I no longer trust or respect to be able to talk to him. Some times I wish I wasnt so withdrawn and quite and for the most part I can fake it but this week wasnt one of them. This has by far been the ruffest week in the last 4 years of my life as that is when everything took control.
Tonight was another night of wanting just one drink of whiskey. I ate a flipen twinkie and slice of pizza did my laundry and now I am writing you guys. The craving has passed tonight but it’s still a serious struggle.
I also have found time to go back to drawing and lessioning to piano music. There is just something about them that is calming. I even drew while I was coming off my last binge the drawing is plain but extremely emotionally powerful. At this time I cant even look at the one with out crying so I will not be shairing that one anytime soon. Thank you all for reading my ramblings. Best wishes!
beautiful drawings you’ve certainly got a talent. Well done on your sober days its meant to be hard that’s how we know how bad we want to be sober, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t put ourselves through all this pain if the reward didn’t out wiegh the journey. Keep being strong and remember you are not alone bc we believe in you. Life and people will change now as you slowly start to open your eyes and as time goes by we have to decide the pieces we want to keep, the pieces that will benefit us on our journey, and the pieces we need to leave behind. Nows not the time to be making these decisions as emotions are high but trust me when I say that the longer you stay sober eventually life all starts falling into place. 
So good to see you! I am happy you are powering through. As to faking it, I’d say that’s how a lot of us got to where we are - trying to make an alternate reality. Don’t fake it. You’ll get through it all in better shape if you don’t. I am glad you found some in person support, where you feel comfortable.
Your art is beautiful. The tree is my favorite.
@Nikkicar
I like your fight. I am like you and struggling for days. Recently I have this now or never attitude as well. I reset after 120 days and it has profoundly affected me. Love that you have drawing to help you.
How are you doing?