At a few days over 60 days I drank. Why is part of it, but not as important as what I learned. After all my years of sobriety (18 at one point) to my current habit of not drinking for months, then drinking for a few days. Or, as in this case…1. It wasn’t a total disaster, but I wrecked my streak. Dang it! It all boils down to the most simple thing…I don’t know how to process emotion. Briefly, my 86 year old mother had a stroke and is in a nursing home in FL. I haven’t seen her since Dec 19 because of COVID. On the spur of the moment SO and I decided to go visit. The nursing home has had many restrictions. Boss very understanding…made a reservation…made arrangements for pets…all good, right? Then…why did I drink on the way home…then a few days later (very small amount…why bother?) put myself in a bad place mentally…Mom never knew. SO may have, but we never discuss that elephant in the room (a topic for another day). But I felt like I put a negative spin on a great opportunity. I’d be at 70 days today instead of 3!
Help. Just…help…I’m fine now. Several days sober. Just like before. No cravings.
Is it a dumb question to ask…how do I deal with emotions? My aha moment reveals I never learned how. Or, giving myself a break…don’t process in a healthy way that keeps me away from alcohol on a constant basis…
I had one more slip at the beginning of March, and now I am nearing 200 days. I am, once again in FL with SO visiting my Mom. This time the trip wasn’t spur of the moment, but it is, I am finding no less emotional. In the 8 months since I relapsed and questioned why I can’t deal with my emotions, I guess I have made progress. As the alcohol has seeped from my system and my body and brain have healed, I am able to stop and consider my emotions, both good and bad. In the past, I impulsively numbed them with alcohol then, as we all know, that made it worse. Vicious cycle after that. Just a mess! I am a work in progress. I had a moment this week when I was feeling overwhelmed and the thought to drink occurred to me. But, I choose to be sober now and deal with life. Plus, 200 days is nothing to sneeze at and I don’t want to lose that hard-won time.
Being in this community has made such a huge difference in my life. I thank every one of you for helping me work towards continued sobriety.
Glad you checked in and happy to hear your determination to not drink.
Emotional things are hard. My first instinct is to drink. Now after walking through many emotional things without drinking, I have learned that feelings wont kill me. Alcohol can and will.
I run to nature. its usually there when my mind finds a way to live with whatever is bothering me. I can scream and or cry out there. Sometimes just letting it all out makes me feel better.
I ask myself these questions. What is my part? Am I losing it over something I cant control or change? Have I done all the next right things towards whatever it is? If the answer is yes. I realize I have to let go.
Some things boil down to accepting it. I may not like it. A drink wont make me like it either. Then the vicious cycle of guilt, shame and remorse kick in. It gets easier to justify my next drink.
Its way harder to quit again then it is to not pick up that first drink. Its just way to easy to drink. It only takes a moment. Recovery takes a lot longer to kick in.
Hearing how much you value your 200 days is awesome. I had long term sobriety before. It was really hard for me to appreciate shorter periods of time. I finally got past that. It took a many relapses for me to get that back.
I sometimes get upset that I still have emotional baggage. Thing from my childhood pop up. Things that I have dealt with many times. I have to remind myself that I’m lucky to be alive and that feeling these feeling is a gift of life. As ugly as the world can be. There is always something more beautiful.
Hang in there. Don’t fall for alcohols trickery. Those emotions never go away with alcohol. They just fester into something bigger and more self destructive.
Great post. I can completely relate to so much of it. My Mom moved into assisted living (with a range of levels of care provided) 3ish years ago, and within the first month of her living there I knew of all the liquor stores and their hours in the vicinity. Like you, I have to travel to go see her, and at first these trips were numbed hugely. The first few trips, sober, were hard - for sure. But I leaned on this place (TS) heavily.
And then - like you - I could see my own “progress” on these trips. They didn’t get easier, but I realized I was dealing with the hard emotions of seeing so much change in Mom and all the loss, instead of dealing with my hangover and the terrible emotions of shame and guilt.
Mom’s condition has continued to decline, and on my last visit, I was so grateful that I can actually be present to be with her. Still not easy, but I won’t have regrets.
I’m super proud of you. 200 days is nothing to sneeze at all!
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so helpful to me to know others know… you know?.
Thank you SO much @JasonFisher and @M-be-free49!! Wonderful day at my sister’s yesterday. Mom got transported from the nursing home. I am heading there now to spend 1:1 time with her. Bittersweet! To be continued…
Emm - so many similarities in our situations. I am totally sober and present for this trip. It is amazing how embedded the “drinking habits” are. There is a drug store right near her facility and a few times I stopped at 10 in the morning and threw back a few small bottles of wine. I CANNOT fathom doing that now. But I get strange feelings when I pass the place. The usual feelings that we get when we drink. Ugh!
Each time I see my Mom and drive the 11 hours back home I realize it might be the last time I see her, it is painful. But I will look back and know I gave her my best in the last year(s). It is just . . . hard.
Jason - I so relate to everything you say! But this REALLY rings true for me!
Each day that passes and I am successfully “more sober”, I feel stronger that I won’t fall into the trap again. I feel stronger in my resolve to live without the crutch of alcohol.
Thanks for caring enough to share. It means a lot to me. And you speak words of wisdom.
Its been a lot emotional things to walk through since then. Sometimes its overwhelming. I dont think I would have made it this far if I didn’t share about it here. You’ve helped me in my thread! Thank you!
Hey my friend from Lowell
Sorry I’m late to this check in.
It’s been awhile. I was wondering how you have been doing?
Big community we got here. We seem to keep missing each other.
Great share about dealing with our feelings and emotions. Or lack of dealing with them. I’m so happy you still got your 200 days. Dealing with the older parental units can be pretty tough. Be proud of yourself for all the knowledge and strength you have learn from being sober. The longer I’m sober the easier it has been for me to continue to stay sober. I’m so glad your with us.
Congratulations on your 200 days and keeping it in tact.
God bless and good luck with your mom.
Yup! I’m 61. Even without alcohol I feel the effects of aging. And I’m not a big fan. But, since committing to sobriety and joining this community I have been very consistent with other healthy habits. Hopefully, what I’m doing will balance out the unhealthy that I engaged in.
It boils down to this. If I want to be a drunken senior citizen who feels like hell every day, then I will drink. Today…no drinking!
wine. I CANNOT fathom doing that now. But I get strange feelings when I pass the place. The usual feelings that we get when we drink. Ugh!
