Hello well my name is Nicolle and I’m 24 years old from the UK, South Yorkshire. I don’t really know where to start with out this taking so long for anyone to read, I’ll try to keep it short.
So I started drinking as a teen as most people do, out with friends on a weekend ect I think my first time I was 12, me and my friends were what you called, mature for our age. We hung around with the older crowd. Any way, when I was 14 (2006 November) I got into my first ‘real’ relationship, he was 17, he went into the navy when I turned 16 and when he came home we would spend all our time in the local pub and our relationship got what you would call different, he became very controlling and at times violent. We broke up around my 18th birthday, this is when my drinking got bad and I began to lash out I even started taking ‘hard’ drugs as I got back in touch with an old friend who took drugs, so yeah I’d be with her pretty much every night staying at hers and her bfs.
I then met someone new around a few months after breaking up from relationship no.1(2010 June) We got together, we moved in together, everything was great and then he changed and I could feel the old cycle coming back. I had to quit my job as he believed a woman should stay at home and if I’m honest I thought “oh this is great” but no it wasn’t. He would lock the doors and windows I couldn’t see my friends or family. He would come home and then call me lazy and make remarks on my appearance this lasted about a year this mental abuse. In that year my nana passed away (we was so close) she died on my birthday. My aunty and my uncle passed away both from cancer. My relationship then started getting worse I started drinking more to numb everything to a point a would blackout, but because I was drinking I gained confidence at times and began to stick up for myself I even ran away a few times but I always ended up back with hin. Then the violence started. It was only because we was out for a meal with my family and my mum got a glimpse of my arm that they stepped in and took me away (was a hell of a lot harder than it sounds).
But then living with my family wasn’t great, my family, they well, enjoy a drink on a night after work, as people do, so there was loads booze in the house at all times. I would drink and drink till I well, passed out or I’d drink and then leave late at night without telling my folks (I know I’m 20 I can do as I want but it’s their house and their rules) I would leave to go and sleep with lads I’d met on dating apps, guys I didn’t exactly know. I got myself into a lot of bad situations, I was taking drugs, sleeping around. And my mum knew this and we would argue a lot as my behaviour affevted everyone, and i knew this but i couldn’t care less. Then i tried to sort my self out, for my family even though I never wanted to quit and I think well I know that’s why it didn’t work.
(2014 round about February time) Then I got into a little relationship like it lasted 4 months but it was so intense, we loved each other from the get go but…I fell pregnant and he then ignored me, he messaged me telling me to get an abortion and that he didn’t want anything to do with me. I had no one to turn to and I had to go through that all on my own and this hit me worse than any abuse possible. I would take a thousand beatings to change this whole thing and the way it happened or even meeting him in the first place. But I can’t.
In 2014 around October time so I’d be 22 years old I met my current bf and we met on a dating site, and we met up in November and started officially going out January the 1st 2015 and we are still together now and he is the best thing to ever walk into my life. He is doing nothing but supporting me and trying to help but I feel, well I know because of my past and my addiction with alcohol, I am going to end up pushing him away and I don’t mean to. He knows I have a problem with drink ever since we’ve been together, I was completely honest with him. I haven’t touched a drug at all since I met him. But I still drink and the thing is my drinking is at its worse when I meet up with my friend who only lives the next village over from me. She is my weak spot and I just can’t say no to her no matter how hard I try. But I can’t just blame her, my willingness to stop must not be that great. But my last drink was Saturday the 12th at 6pm and I was with my friend and we had been drinking continously since the Friday evening all the way through to that Saturday and we spoke and I let a lot of things out and I ended up saying “no I don’t want to do this any more” and she said she would try and help. I went home and I spoke to my bf and he said as always he is 110% behind me. I know I need to stop drinking and cut it out completely. I need to face my demons head on and not mask my feelings with booze and act like my life has been nothing but fairy dust and rainbows, because it hasn’t. I need to get professional help, I know this. I threw out all my booze last night. I had a really long, hard cry and a shit sleep but I’ve woke up today and I feel, well, I don’t feel great but I feel determined this time. This is the first time I’ve wanted to stop for me and the first time I’ve realised if I don’t stop I will loose my friends, my bf and my family, I could loose my job (I love my job but because of drink I’m risking losing it all the time).
But any way that’s my breif story, which I know is long when I said it was going to be short so I apologise for that one. I have missed out loads of stuff but you get the gist of things and why I am here. Don’t be scared to chat I don’t bite and I could really use the support from others that have gone through similar situations or that are fighting this addiction battle. This is my first day sober so far but I have never felt so determined.