Tonight, I kinda came to a realization. Half my life I’ve tried to “drink to forget” and surpress certain memories. So far, I haven’t been able to surpress a bad memory through drinking that was never able to reer it’s ugly head back up eventually. If anything, all I’ve done is just make MORE bad and embarrassing memories.
I may NEVER be able to forgive myself, or by others for things I’ve done. But I have a choice between being a continued drunk and unforgiven… or sober and unforgiven. At least with sobriety I will have my health, and other positive aspects of my life will improve. While drunk everything just spirals into a giant shit show.
I guess I am finally coming to terms and being ok with not forgiving myself… it will either come with time as everyone says eventually… or I will just never forgive myself, but at least I’ll have my sobriety in tact.
Today I reached out to someone I know I hurt in the past. It’s one of the top memories I drink to forget actually, and it’s caused a lot of anxiety and disturbances in my life in many ways. Today I decided to apologize to this person. They haven’t read it yet, and I don’t know if they will even get to read it before the 24 hours is up and Snapchat deletes it, but I hope they do read it in time. Because it was a heart felt apology and I don’t think I could ever write it a second time, because I wrote it in a state of shameful raw honesty. Regardless of whether or not this person reads it, the simple act of writing it down was very therapeutic. This is when I realized that it does not matter if I’m forgiven. As long as I apologize and try to actively change myself there isn’t much more I can do beyond that point.
If you’re still having trouble dealing with the shame of other people you hurt, I honestly recommend you just reach out to them and apologize. Even if you think they won’t forgive you, at least you tried.
Ironically, right after posting this she messaged me back. And we had a short pow wow about everything. She seems have forgiven me and even offered to help with my sobriety anyway she could.
Wish I would had done this 2 years ago.
Yes, it was very therapeutic.
I have a few ideas about other people I need to apologize to as well, but this one has been bugging me for years… it’s like an amazing weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I need to talk to my dad, who I never talk to except maybe once a year… because I kinda have resentment against him and our relationship has always been akward. I feel like he needs to apologize more than I do… but I think we need to have a long talk. Especially before he dies. I know he won’t be around forever, and I know I will feel even worse if he passes without us squashing the beef…
I’ve got a list or dozens of girls I need to apologize to. Because I’ve always been unfaithful and pretty much a sex addict… due to my own insecurities.
Countless of friends I used for whatever reason… I bitch a lot about how my old friends were peices of shit, but honestly, I was no better. And just manipulative.
I feel like I won’t be truly happy with myself until I accomplish all this.
There’s some frightening scenarios running through my head. I know some of these people would rather live their life’s without seeing my face or hearing my voice and will never care to hear an apology from me. I guess for these people, I need to respect that. Is it selfish of me to try to force a conversation with someone who hates me, just so I (me me me) can feel better? Is it worth evoking these negative emotions and past traumas for the sake of my well being? You can argue that it might be therapeutic for them as well… but what if it’s not? This is where I’m at a cross roads…
When does apologizing go too far? Or am I just making up excuses?
I think making sincere apologies and making amends is a good thing and very important, but I would caution people though that “now” is not automatically the best time. I don’t have the wisdom and insight to say when is the best time, but I know I’ve messed up apologies making them too early. Between me still developing a deeper understanding of myself and how I contributed to the harm, and others needing time to trust sober me, it just fumbled and stirred the pot. Though I went in to take ownership of my actions, it just sparked a conversation that overshadowed what I was trying to do.
It’s a good question you’ve asked though, and one I am also looking to better understand as well. Looking forward to other answers on this, I’m sure someone will also add something about the 12 steps and running it by a sponsor, as far as the AA route goes for those who follow that.
I’m really glad it’s been good so far though. Healing is good.