I haven’t written in a journal or diary in years, so I started one the other day. Except instead of “dear diary”, I’m writing each entry for my son. I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to him, maybe one day when he’s older, he might go through a period where he struggles with addiction himself, or some other personal demons, and if he ever does, who knows, maybe it might help him.
Surprisingly, it’s already become a huge motivation in a way. Although when I really think about it, maybe it’s not so surprising. It’s so easy to lie to myself, to justify and make excuses. It’s one thing to tell myself that the reason I relapsed was because I couldn’t handle the guilt one day. But to write that down, knowing that one day my son might read it, and having to admit to him that in that moment the drugs were more important than him - that’s almost unbearable. What I would consider a reason for f-ing up suddenly sounds more like a cheap excuse when it’s written as a letter to my baby.
I’m sure there are people who wouldn’t agree with this approach, but when I’m being completely honest with myself, I know exactly how my head works. I’m a pro at twisting and creating my own logic in a way that let’s me justify and find an explanation for almost anything I do, and in the long run that doesn’t do me any favours, this way I think will keep me more accountable and honest. I look forward to the day when I can write him a letter about how proud I am for reaching 30 days, 60 days, 6 months clean, etc.
I made some bad choices, and now it’s up to me to prove that I can and will put my son first, and do whatever it takes to become the mom he deserves to have.
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I really like this idea and might steal it. I too am afraid my son might one day fall in the trap.
I’ve thought about starting a journal, this might be the motivation I need.
Thanks! 
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Thats amazing 
@CandyKiss do it . This is a very good thing to do.