I’m doing bad. I don’t think there’s any hope for me. I will always be different. I won’t be able to function properly. I’m sick of fighting. I’ve been moderating technology whilst my aim is abstinence. Just bad.
This can be translated to I’m stressed out about school and therapy. This semester will end in 2 weeks, which will take away a lot of the stress even if I fuck up all of my tests. And I’m sure I’ll be doing better after EMDR. Although I’m hating life and idealising suicide, I’m hanging on by a thread, and I’ll just keep hanging until I’m doing better.
This resonates with me a lot. And I think with everybody with addictions, mental issues and such. It sucks not to be a „normie” to have this fight and awareness all life long. But at the end of the day, that’s what we got, we have to make the best out of that. I have learnt more about myself and about life in general from my addictions, transness and mental struggles than as a functioning normie back then (well, I never was a normie, but I could fake it pretty well). On my better days I can be grateful for that knowledge and experience. On the bad days I just hang tight, let my anger and frustration out, focus on the basic things and keep going even without being convinced that it’s worth it.
Hang tight, better days will come!
Remember what you always answer me? This is bullshit.
You don’t want to hear it still: you are young. I started first therapy when I was 20, for my ED. It saved my life. It took me another 17 years to start my recovery. I don’t mean that it will take you so long. It just means that you are young.
Jan, I am so sorry everything is difficult for you right now. Please know you’re life is worth it and we all care for you so very much! Life is stressful and sometimes that’s the foundation you need to build yourself up! Look at everything you’ve accomplished. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hey Jan,
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down on yourself. These slumps happen but they are not the final truth about you. There’s more to you!!!
This might not sit with you when you’re really down, it doesn’t sooth the emotional side. But it’s some food for thought later…
Different compared to who or what? Compared to another individual, like me, yes we will always be different Compared to the Dutch society and what is considered normal is like a line in the sand. It depends on so many variables that it’s silly even to consider it. You work, study and are able to maintain relationships (friends etc). That’s the slot where many people fit into, I assume. I know that you mean ‘different’ by being on the spectrum. I’m just trying to provoke new thinking instead of old sinking.
In connection to what? Technology? It was DESIGNED AND BUILT TO BE ADDICTIVE and it clicks with your brain. I’m trying to say that it’s not totally down to you. We’re all fucked in a sense with tech. You are certainly more aware that most of how tech influences you. That’s valuable.
Function properly… in life? Oh dear friends, NO ONE DOES! We’re all messed up. The difference is how much people will acknowledge, accept and work on their shit. I have to say that it is very very VERY rarely that I come across an 18y/o as self-reflective as you are and doing something about their shit. THAT is functioning properly!!!
Hey Kiddo, I’m sorry that you are feeling that way.
Its hard to feel that things are not the way it supposed to be, you always have to remember that it’s awesome to be different… right know I know that is hard to see it that way but like I always said, you have to give it time.
Technology can be good and also your biggest enemy. And we know that it was design to engage people to continue using, it’s just like advertising, hell we study psicology of how to engage consumers to use more and more.
You are strong, continue that way…
you know what’s going on that’s the most important thing.
Thanks @tomek, @milele, @olivia, @Complicatedmama, @Andy_Charlie, @anon74766472. I really appreciate you guys. During the day I’ve started to feel somewhat better. I’ll be fine, but I’m just so fucking tired. I just wish I was in active gaming addiction again. No, I wish I had that bliss again.
I’m thinking about you too and sending good thoughts and good wishes you will feel better. Would like to see you do things that make you feel good about life and yourself. I know it’s hard and sometimes can seem impossible. Have you taken many photos? It could be something enjoyable and satisfying for you and something you could share here.
I admire all the thought you put into your life, your feelings, and am glad you share them here.
This forum is a wonderful forum with a lot of what is the best in the world and a lot of what is the worst and saddest in the world. You are a witness to that on these pages. I think you are mature and intelligent enough, have been here long enough to understand that there are all kinds of people in the world with all kinds of different problems.
It is good to share, the feedback you receive can be beneficial and helpful.
A nice healthy hobby could help you find some of that bliss. Think about photography. Might be nice for you and would be nice for those of us who will get to see your pictures!
Also more physical activity which will increase those chemicals you’re looking for. ( I know you’re active at work.)
A quick 30 minute power walk taking some pictures might do a lot for your head and your fatigue. You time, for you and your enjoyment.
I’m glad you started feeling better during the day.
Saturday I’ll start a new attempt at abstinence from technology abuse. Though when I look at the past two weeks. Not once did I cross my boundary of 5 hours technology a day max. But the technology I did use is what disappoints me. There was YouTube, Snapchat stories and TV. It makes me feel bad, bloated and grumpy. I didn’t feel the joy I once got out of it. I’m basically a zombie staring at the stupid screen. No gain.
I didn’t abuse on Friday, but still, I started my timer at midnight between Friday and Saturday. It was a coincidence that I didn’t abuse on Friday. I didn’t have time to abuse. Saturday I didn’t abuse because I was recovering from my addiction. Nor will I abuse today. Nor tomorrow. Today will be spent studying for tests. I’m in a good mood. I’m feeling no need to be upset with myself. I stuck to my promise of quitting on Saturday even though I was in the middle of season 1 of Squid Game. I’m not going to use the excuse that I have to finish the show before I can recover as I did with Grey’s Anatomy so often. That’s behind me. Honesty is key.
Hello friends. The last two days I didn’t do a lot of things. Had I filled my checklist, it would have been mostly no’s. But honestly… I don’t give a fuck. The last two days I’ve been social, I didn’t abuse technology and I’ve spent most of the time on homework. I did well. I’m not perfect, I never will be perfect, I should stop striving to be perfect. I’ll be okay if I keep this mindset up. Even if I’m sure I’ll be back to hating myself in just a few days, I do feel neutral at the moment which is positive for me.
Today I’ll have three tests. Spanish, history and mathematics. Spanish will be a piece of cake. History and mathematics I don’t know yet. I feel I’m not sufficiently prepared for the latter two. But we’ll see. I hope to be successful and I still have about an hour to prepare
I think you have the right mindset! Nobody is perfect you can only strive to be the best version of yourself! You’ve got this Jan!! Sending you positive vibes for your tests today!
So yesterday should’ve been my first EMDR session. I was really excited. I was finally going to do something that could change my life and boost my recovery. And I was going to take advantage of it by calling in sick to school for 3 days to study for tests and simply recover from the session.
Yeah, that didn’t happen. Got a message 2 hours before the session that my therapist was home because of COVID symptoms. Fuck me. Now I’m still calling in sick, but illegally. I can’t make tests I didn’t prepare for. That would just send me to an even worse place.
Sorry that happened. Now you can study for the tests without recovering from the session.
Keep focused on the benefit you will get from it when you start it. These things will happen.
You’re right. It does make studying a lot easier. Had not thought about it that way
Btw, are you Dutch? Because I’ve seen you talk about stroopwafels and stamppot on here.
Ah heck. That sucks. I’d be disappointed too. I’m sure the therapist would rather be healthy than down with COVID. Since you got only a 2 hour notice, I wouldn’t feel bad about calling in sick. You basically reserved the day for your session and it wasn’t up to you it got cancelled. I hope you can stay on top of your studies, I know you’re working your butt butt off You’ll get to the EMDR too eventually.
Fuck German. I’ve been studying for 3 days, but I still don’t know all words. How the fuck am I gonna keep erwirdern, erwischen, erwähnen and gewähren apart. It sounds nothing like the dutch, english or spannish counterpart. And how about zeigen and zeugen. completely different definitions but so hard to keep apart…
I am proud of myself for not giving up though
Compared to the Dutch society and what is considered normal is like a line in the sand. It depends on so many variables that it’s silly even to consider it. You work, study and are able to maintain relationships (friends etc). That’s the slot where many people fit into, I assume. I know that you mean ‘different’ by being on the spectrum. I’m just trying to provoke new thinking instead of old sinking.
