The last couple of days I’ve been struggling with some cravings…I looked at the tracker and I’m reminded why. I’m at the ten day clean mark today (again!). And for quite awhile I’ve been in a cycle of 10-14 days abstinent and then cravings come followed by a binge. Today I got terribly close tp the edge. I cruised seductive images on Google for awhile… definitely too long. I wasn’t seeing sexual activity or nudity but the underwear and swimwear images were certainly seductive. Two penis pics cropped up. Thankfully, I hurried past them. I didn’t masturbate. It was time for supper and I forced myself off the phone and went and ate with my roommates. I felt gross. I felt guilty for looking at the images. I prayed for repentance and forgiveness. I was struck by a thought. In the not so distant past, see such “tame” images wouldn’t have aroused me nor bothered my conscience. I found myself praying, “thank you God that seeing such images disturbed me. Please continue to heal my conscience.” I went to gym this evening and walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes. That doesn’t sound like much. But over the last 18 months I gained 45lbs. Tipping the scale now at close to 300# I’ve became almost completely sedentary. Trying to get myself up to move has been a challenge. Trying to discipline my mind to stay clear of mental garbage and trying to discipline my body to exercise and eat less garbage is a huge deal for me right now. The battles seem intertwined. Guilt and shame are heavy burdens for me. As are depression and anxiety. I get panic attacks. Often they are tied to a theme of I’m about to die and be sent to Hell for my sinful life. Fighting through the anxiety takes tremendous mental discipline as well as physical discipline. I must endure very unpleasant physical sensations. I must defeat unhealthy, counter productive thoughts. It’s usually impossible to “turn off” a panic attack. One must ride it out like riding a wave. Fighting against it usually makes it worse. I’ve asked myself the question: “Why don’t I deal with the cravings for porn or sex the way I deal with the panic attacks?” I acknowledge the panic attack and I start using tools that will help me not give into the panic attack. I also brace myself to ride out whatever unpleasant physical sensations come along. I’m getting better and better at riding out anxiety attacks. And full blown panic attacks seem to come less frequently. The challenge of dealing with cravings for porn or sex is more difficult. My mind doesn’t want to give into a panic attack. However, in the midst of the cravings, part of my mind wants to give into the cravings. It’s screaming for that hit of dopamine. I’ve got to apply that same fortitude to ride out cravings for sex and porn without giving in just like I must not give into a panic attack and ride out the sensations that come with the internal “screams” that come with it. Does this resonate with anyone else?
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