A poisonous love affair

By the end of 2018, alcohol had brought me to my knees. I felt reduced. Cut down. Stripped to a shade of my self. I felt suckered in, strung up and hung out to dry.

Who’d have thought this seemingly innocent, socially accepted, and cunningly marketed beverage could cause so much harm? Well. I knew it. We have a history of alcohol abuse in my family. And, unfortunately, a history of sad endings.

But knowing that and packing in the drink were two entirely different matters. The facts alone did not stop me from abusing the stuff for over a decade.

Time had been ticking by, trapped in my alcohol-drenched world, I had scarcely taken the time to reflect on how alcohol was changing me. I wasn’t the dependable, kind and patient person I once was.

There was a battle taking place. And I was losing myself to alcohol.

Looking back in retrospect, I have been able to see far more clearly. I decided to write down some of the changes and consequences that alcohol had on me personally during my decade-long binge.

This list is by no means exhaustive. I could probably sit and reel them off all day.

  1. I became dishonest, selfish and manipulative.
  2. I woke up sick most mornings.
  3. I was spending a fortune on getting drunk.
  4. I became increasingly disconnected from other people.
  5. I lost the ability to be patient with the people I love.
  6. I was taking years off my life.
  7. I became quick to anger.
  8. I could not stand who I was.
  9. I had lost my identity, values and self-worth.
  10. I was depressed.
  11. I let alcohol become my main priority.
  12. I stopped challenging myself and started seeking comfort in a substance which almost never truly offered me that thing that I craved.
  13. Getting drunk became increasingly mundane.
  14. I was suffering from alcohol-induced anxiety.
  15. I was slowly but surely running out of reasons to live.
  16. I was out of shape and run-down.
  17. I hated who I was when I was drunk.
  18. I felt weak, taking the easy way out became my forte.
  19. I genuinely couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
  20. I was devoid of the dreams and desires I once had.

With all of us at different stages of our recovery, some hours into sobriety, some decades. My hope is, if some of you are having a hard day, questioning the value of sobriety or feeling lost, fed-up or consumed by craving. You may be able to read, relate and remain sober.

Putting the sword to our substance abuse is not easy. It’s a pursuit that takes tremendous courage dedication and perseverance. But we are here because we have made a choice to fight back. To be victorious over our enemy. We are strong, bold and fully equipped to stand up for ourselves and our loved ones and say ‘no more’. ‘Enough is enough’.

Writing this list was a liberating experience for me. It was truly freeing. It forced me to remember what alcohol had done to me. Because I can forget how much of a grip it had on my life. And how much it changed who I was and how I behaved.

I would encourage you to write your own list. And it doesn’t have to be a ‘list’. It could be a letter to yourself. Or just a splurge of words. Note your feelings around how substance abuse changed your behaviour and the damage it caused. When your feeling weak, try to find the strength to look at it. Try to remember, life is so much better when you’re sober.

Much love to everyone.

Kieran

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Love your list i think its fab but i think it could be even better if you then list next to the negative the positives youve gained since becoming sober too

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Wow so so true I can relate, I’m back on day 4 again, it’s like a roller coaster it’s horrible, I’m going to keep trying, it’s so hard aswell when, there’s others alongside you using to mine is alcohol, and it really does destroy.

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I can relate to pretty much everything on that list! It is good to remind yourself how bad it really is/was when you drink, to keep you on the right path.

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Every point you made I could relate to. Fab post x

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A true inspirational post, it will accompany me on my thoughts today

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You said it all, dude. This stuff put the toxin in intoxicated, you get what I’m saying. Great job in recognizing it and getting out while there’s still time.

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Hey Starlight14. Thanks for the suggestion! It’s a great idea!

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Thanks Teresa!

Much appreciated!

Much love,
Kieran

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Very true!

Hey mate.

You’re so right!

Thanks,
Kieran

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Hey Megan,

I’m glad it was useful for you :).

Thanks!

Kieran

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Love your list!! Such a helpful tool for our sobriety toolbox!!!