A year sober- a year better
So Iām now a whole year sober, a whole year with limited pain, limited regret, reduced anxiety, increased confidence and a better quality of life.
A year ago today I was on holiday in Cornwall staying in a cottage. It was the morning after my last drink and I felt like I was the worst person in the world.
The day before I planned to have ā6 pintsā on the beach while the Mrs went for a walk. Is it normal to have 6 pints for a relaxed time??? Of course I got found out as I get a strong Yorkshire accent once Iāve had a few. I lied saying I hadnāt drunk and drove back to the cottage with my wife and kids in the car. I then engineered an argument and stormed out to Tesco. I did go to Tesco to buy alcohol which I hid in the car boot for when I eventually would turn up back at the holiday cottage. I went out then for the night driving from pub to pub in blackout, causing trouble, pestering women and being a general nuisance. I arrived back at the cottage and then after a massive argument (still denying drinking I fell to sleep). The morning after I had the usual regret, shame, anxiety, sadness and the āI will never drink again attitudeā but this time I actually did something about it by finding a program and working it.
I can now walk down the street with my head held high and not worry about who Iāve upset in active alcoholism. Iām now a rational thinker and donāt act on my stereotypical male impulses (violence, aggression and lust) without alcohol in my system I have morals and may think about certain things but wonāt act on them as in sane mind I think about the consequences of my actions.
A lot of you know a lot of my stories already but I wasnāt a very upstanding member of the community when drinking
- Regular violence
- Damage to property
- Powerless over drugs
- Powerless over women
- Wouldnāt be scared of making a negative impression to fulfil and feed my own ego
Where Iād possibly be if still drinking:
- Living on my own
- Living for alcohol
- Only seeing my children 3/4 days a week
- Not be financially secure
- Be in prison
- Be in a relationship with somebody who drunk like me / tolerated my drinking
- Having suicidal thoughts
- Couldāve killed somebody drink driving
- Have lost my job
- Cross addiction to drugs
Iād be in a whole world still consumed by my obsessive thoughts around alcohol. Thankfully because Iām not drinking none of the above currently applies
My program of recovery consists of
- regular AA meetings 2/3 times a week, currently doing a lot more now meeting are on Zoom
- Daily prayer, reading and reflection
- Worked the steps and done all the work required being honest and open
- Offering service when I can
- Checking in on my online communities
- Having the opportunity to reach out to another alcoholic if I need too. Iām a stereotypical male so Iām not a āringerā but I will text if I need advise or support
- Most importantly NOT TAKING THAT FIRST DRINK
The mental obsession has been removed from me, I now donāt obsess about drinking or think about how Iām going to get my drink. I used to hate the constant lies, hiding my alcohol and going to any means to not get found out
- I used to hide my alcohol in various places around the house
- When I went to the bar Iād have to get two beers and down one before I got back to the table
- I DIY āfixedā a breathalyser I got off amazon to prove my innocence. Basically I covered the sensor so I would always blow Zero to prove to others I was sober (when I wasnāt)
- I used to engineer arguments so I could disappear on benders for days on end
There are endless other things I did to hide my alcoholism from others and too many to list, Iām blessed that I donāt have to do that today
The alcoholic āillnessā is progressive.
Two years ago I vowed that Iād never drink drive or drink in the morning. Guess what a year ago I was regularly drink driving and choosing to drink in the morning often.
What would I be like in another year? Iād never drink to get through the day? I bet Iād be doing thatā¦ I know the progression now hearing others experience, strength and hope 
The day after drinking and doing something bad I genuinely believed in my heart that Iād never drink again but after the days and weeks passed and the anxiety and shame subsided then Iād start to romanticise alcohol again getting euphoric recall about how I used to have fun. The important thing is to play the tape and think about what would happen if I kept drinking, Iād think of all the negative experiences and pain Iāve been in and caused. Iām now out of that cycle as today I donāt want to drink again EVER
I want to thank all my friends Iāve met in the AA rooms, my friends from around the world on my online communtities, my friends and family and everybody else who has supported me on this tough journey
For anybody still struggling please read my story and know there is a solution but you have to fully surrender and be willing to do the work and follow what is suggested. So far Itās worked for me so Iāll carry on doing what Iām doing
Hopefully one day I can sponsor people and help others who were in the same hopeless cycle as I was.
. Good job!
. Well done x