Where do I begin. Asking to share one’s story is wonderful perspective because it softens the pain and victim mentality and gives space where we’ve been, and where we are going in our own personal myth.
My addictive behaviors started when I was a little girl, soothing myself with sweets and food. My parents were functional addicts. My mother was into pills and my father an alcoholic. He got progressively worse over the years. He lost everything, his house, his car, in an abusive relationship with his now wife. I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents. I send a text here and there with my father, he never checks in on me or asks how I am doing. I blocked my mother everywhere, including email due to her abusive behavior towards me from her spiritual psychosis episodes.
Abandonment trauma is my wound I am tending to everyday. I struggled with a severe binge eating disorder for years and have periods where I was bulimic. I have worked through so much of it to this point, but anyone out there who has struggled with an eating disorder knows that it is a journey. I am happy with my progress.
I started smoking cigarettes when I was really young, like 17. All my memories with alcohol have been about escaping and numbing myself. I quit smoking weed. I am trying to quit smoking, After a fight with my boyfriend last night, where I was being insecure. A glass of wine and beer in, I stormed off from him then chain smoked, drunk. This is not the first time in my life where I realized my behavior was the problem. Every time I drink I become mean and I don’t know how to stop until I crash.
So last night I prayed and felt my heart beat. I know I need to step into the void and uncertainty of change. To know who I am on the other side of me numbing myself and running from my past.
I come here seeking community. To anything to help me overcome my desire for alcohol and nicotine. To learn what peace looks and feels like for me in my life.
