I’m not to sure if this is how it all started but here it go’s. I was married to what I thought was my best friend for 15 years. We have 13 year old son. So our marriage was like other I’d assume, I thought we ok. So anyways to understand why I got addicted to meth I gotta k8nda take you back to when first time I was left to survive and deal with everything by myself. My wife, 1 yr old son and I live in a decent place when this happened. I was working a not hard job but a mind numbing job. I had to drive to all the Duke energy plants and relabel their warehouses. Don’t sound so bad right. Well I lived 3½hours away from the closest one and they were 12 shifts. That gives you at most 5 hours of sleep if you pass out in the front door. So I wasn’t making any m9ney do to gas I was filling up my truck twice a day. There and back. So after a few months of this I started to call off mid week so I could catch up on sleep. But that made me a a worthless husband and shifty father to my son as my wife said. So she wo7ld talk at me about not doin what I need to and provide for his family. So I was in a low place I was at the job for no real reason but to lose my world. After a few more m9nths we start fight more and more about how terrible I was and that we were gonna lose the house if I didn’t make more money. She winded up having her dad buy her a car after we got a one month eviction notice. That’s when I started to panic because she was talking about her and our son going to Texas to her aunts to live till we got our money back up. And I wasn’t invited, to this day I still don’t know I couldn’t go. She put it in my hands to find a new place by the time we had to move out. And if not she was leaving with my son. I couldn’t find nothing around. The day came and she and my son left for Texas. I moved to a buddy’s house. At first we talked every night with video chat. After a m9nth the talk was slowing down. It got harder and harder to video or just talk on the phone now. After 3 months of her in Texas it was my birthday. The whole week of my birthday she didn’t talk to till on my birthday. I told her that I just got laid off from my job because the shutdown was over. She got mad and said that she doesn’t think that this is gonna work no more and decides to brake up with me on my birthday. After that about a week later it’s Thanksgiving and I actually got asked if I wanted to come to see them. With 200 i had left from my job. I hopped in my truck and hauled ass to Texas to be greeted by her with a hug and told to stay at the crub of the road and not to come on her aunts property. Shocked. I said ok and waited for her to get some stuff so we could go stay in a hotel with my her and son. It was the coldest few night with her ever. Although I had a blast with my son. So after that I get back home I get a new job and she agreed to move back if I was able to find a new place with down payment security deposit first last everything by myself. And I needed to do all of this before my son’s birthday in March. Whatever she agreed to this it was in December the end of December. So I also this whole time I have been sending her 3/4 of my paycheck every single week since you left help pay for her and my son the entire time except the 3 weeks I didn’t have a job which I caught hell over. She also had a job this second day she got there. So after I got a new place and finally got her and my son back to Florida it was good for a little while. After about six m9nths we were asleep and like a bullet it hit my a pain in my stomach. It was super odd. I had a terrible feeling something wasn’t right. I’ve never done this before. I grabbed your phone and went to the bathroom and just opened her phone didn’t go through any apps I didn’t have to her Facebook Messenger has left open and there he was the first time I found out she cheated when I get furniture about it she seemed to be remorseful and upset and sorry after a few weeks and month or so I got over it cuz I didn’t want to lose her sorry buried it. Now a few years has come by now. My son my son on his 7th birthday we had a water bounce slide for his party he wind up breaking his leg and we go to the hospital. As we arrived at the hospital she runs in before and as I make it I. There she interduced me to the male nurse. He was taller and covered in tattoos. She was telling me all about them saying that his daughters drew them and he had them tattooed. Kinda odd I thought being you walked in 30 secs before me. But oh well. Didn’t think too much about it we were there for a couple hours for my son to get a cast and this whole time this nurse should send a background doing a little happy whistles. But a year later I’m doing laundry and as I’m putting clothes away I go to her nightstand and put her socks in the drawer and I know it’s one of her old cell phones. Thought to myself that’s strange because remember keep them going to spot above the mantle. But again oh well. A couple weeks later doing laundry again that phone is in a different drawer. I grab it I walked in my truck and put it in the glove box set up there and smoke a cigarette. Completely forgot about it about a month later as I’m smoking a cigarette in the front yard I got the phone charge it turned it on and go to her Google photos. And there was nudes that I didn’t get from her there was a guy nudes. So I went in the house and confronted her about it. The first words out of her mouth was give me back my phone that’s not yours. So we started arguing about what I found on the phone this went on for a couple of weeks. She never told me any specifics of them sorry that was it she wouldn’t tell me why but anything other than she was sorry. So come to find out if she gets in trouble at work for what she says was a violation of ethics because she spread somebody’s Facebook name at work she works at Nursing Facility. She called me crying frantically so I had to come to my work and I calmed her down. Come to find out it was actually a sexual harassment charge for showing the guy that she was talking to private photos to other people at work because he broke it off with her. I found that out by mistake she left up her termination papers in the floorboard of her car whenever I was cleaning it. That’s when s*** inside me just fell apart started to crumble. That’s when I tried math for the first time. Hopefully you mind reader that day that did drugs for some reason decided to give me a pack of his cigarettes they had a few in there. I didn’t notice but there was also a small bag eating in the bottom of it but later that night as I was reliving everything that was going on inside of me that’s what she did numerous times I caught the plated to the side I had my gun in my truck sitting on the center console and I pulled out that baggie not knowing how to do it I decided to snort it. After that I got real hot and sweaty out of the truck and went into my shop and started messing around with some wood project but I started weeks before. That night those drugs saved me. Gave me something that I’ve never had. A sense of purpose a sense of want to be around they gave me energy creativity desire everything I’ve never had. Everything was going great for about 2 years. Nobody knew I was using meth not my family not my coworkers and not my wife. One afternoon I fell asleep on the couch with my pipe in my pocket tired of trying to keep it hidden hoping that she would find it. She did and then from that day forward I’ve been known nothing but a worthless drug addict that don’t know how to do anything but do drugs I put the drugs before my family I was a piece of s*** worthless terrible father terrible husband. But through this whole time she never knew that I was hot. Now let me tell you all this whenever I smoked meth it calmed my nerves it put the noise in my head to zero I was able to focus on stuff that I needed to like my family my work myself I did it honestly responsibly. The only irresponsible thing that I did is let her find it in my pocket. Whenever I found her phone the one guy I was actually able to figure out was the guy that put her since they can cast. Not only was your nurse but he worked at her facility as well part-time. She would come home telling me these stories about there was this guy at work that was a dog that was running through all the women up there and telling me these stories on what he was doing to him and how could I help her keep him away from her. She was telling me the stories that he was doing to her and getting off on that s***. She would tell me that they had a meeting to go to or a function at work but she would go to the bar with him and do stuff with him and then come home give me a kiss good night saying that she left me and go look and go to sleep. And then I found about her other affairs I wound up finding out about six different affairs that she had throughout the whole 15 years of our relationship. I was served twice in the same week for divorce the first time on my son’s birthday the second time because she forgot about her property. Which I didn’t want anything but my personal stuff and 50/50 with my son. July 18th 21 we’re getting into an argument over misunderstanding. We argue she winds up hitting me in the face and then calling the cops she goes to jail for being a primary aggressor. Now at this time I’ve decided to get sober and had about a month and a half clean. The next morning a DCF lady shows up because of the domestic dispute with a child in the house. We sit and talk for about an hour and a half two hours I volunteer for a drug test knowing I should have been clean. I wind up testing positive for PCP but then I’ve never heard of still don’t know what it is. But the night before I felt real bad real awful feeling in my stomach like something was wrong internally. I can’t say for a fact that she did something to my food but after I ate it it’s going to feel bad then we argued and she went to jail. So after I tested positive I lost parental rights and had to leave the property for she could come back home. With nowhere to go I packed my clothes and went to my brother’s house and stayed in my truck for about 2 months this whole time I got one phone call visit from DCF wanted to talk about everything and one visit from DCF there’s two things happened the first week that I left the house and that they would get in touch with me whenever they had further information. During this whole time there was no contact order because she hit me and we’re waiting to go to court. So if I wanted to see my son I could only see him if she allowed it on weekends from her time framing alone. I couldn’t call him on my phone I had to use my mother’s. I couldn’t see him at all unless she went and got him. I miss my son’s first day of school that year. And August 27th I finally got in touch with the court with the county that I live in about the date that we had for the domestic dispute. And they told me that the case has been settled it was dropped because the victim never showed up. The victim being me. I didn’t get any papers because they went to the house that I was not allowed to be at because of the no contact order. She had the letter she knew that all this was already done with over with but she still never let me know that this whole time DCF also dropped their case on me 16 days after they opened it due to not enough evidence to hold anything. She also knew that because she got the letter to that as well. So when I got off the phone with that lady at the court I called my wife and she told me that no everything was done and everywhere and that I was not welcome back there and that she didn’t want to talk to me until we went to court for divorce which was in one month. She told me that she was too afraid of what I would do to her if I were to come back to the house and that she was scared of me now. Which I didn’t understand because I’ve never touched her I’ve never acted like I was going to. She was always treated better than anything around me okay for everything I could and then some. During this whole time I continue to use math in my opinion still responsibly I worked every day and went to bed every night ate better honestly and I came and visited my son every single night before he went to bed at 7:30 this went on for 2 and 1/2 3 years mommy and her are you and how I was being a piece of s*** finish that the other and have I chose drugs over my family. But I didn’t I didn’t choose drugs over my family. She chose to cheat over her family. The first night I tried it I felt happy again I was able to deal with whatever the f*** she gave me I just wanted to know why why was I so meaningless that you could do that too the line the Betrayal the gas lighting. I wind up getting in trouble for driving on suspended license with a little bit of dust in a baggie in my passenger door pocket so I get on probation I deal with everything I have to do with a wind-up violating I do 3 months in jail. During the whole time of our separation we get along very good. Well I mean you could say that I didn’t back down for My Vow when I said that from Death to his part for Richer and poor. Anytime something was broke at the house she called me to fix it the well they see something’s wrong with the lights her car flat tires and I came within an instant I was there. No questions asked just showed up did what I needed to do and then throw it away again this happened continuously she would pick me up and discard me. So after I get out of jail but the three months I move in with her again and we try to start to fix everything I told her I forgave everything that she did and she said she forgive me as well for being on drugs wish I didn’t quite understand because she doesn’t get the fact that drugs is what kept me sane during everything that she put me through. She says she’s sorry but she’s only sorry she got caught not what she did. You can’t be sorry for something that you continue to do throughout exceeding him out of time with multiple different people you can’t be sorry for doing that. So I was sober for a year and just recently relapsed because I I can’t get the noise in my head to stop. I don’t want to do anything I don’t want to eat nothing I don’t want to laugh I don’t want to play I don’t want to go to work. But I put on this Persona that good I’m great I’m never felt better. I’m happy being sober this is the best feeling in the world. But it’s not. I still don’t feel appreciated wanted needed I’m just here. Just a bump on a log at my ex-wife’s house sleeping on the couch. Yeah that’s very sleep because I’m not comfortable sleeping in the bed no more with her. Because of everything that’s happened. So we don’t get intimate since I’ve been three times since I’ve been out of jail and that’s been a year now. When I relapsed a week ago she never noticed hasn’t noticed was actually happier with me cuz I was more talking to her I was more energetic with her wanting to know more about her her day at work. So tonight I’m sitting on the couch it’s like 12:30 she wakes up to go to the bathroom and then comes to the living room to see what I’m up to and she sees a bubble in my pocket. She asked me what it is and I reach in my pocket and hand it to her don’t hide it don’t try to fight it hand it to her. And then she says why aren’t we and your son enough for you why do you keep going back to drugs what is wrong with us you to keep wanting to do drugs. And I try to explain to her that it’s not her it’s the only thing that helps me cope it keeps the noise down it brings Joy back to my life. So I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in a bad situation here. I’m only here for my son. I don’t get love from her I don’t get anything from her but yet I’m just here.
Nice to meet you Jim.
Thats one heck of a story. Thanks for sharing with us.
That sounds like a really heavy situation. There’s a lot of hurt, betrayal, and stress in what you wrote, and it makes sense you’d be overwhelmed by it all.
I think we all try to rationalize that the drugs we choose are good for us at first.. Make us calm. Creative. Give us focus ect. Im a little confused as it seems like you are somewhat defending doing it? This is a sobriety forum and the collective wisdom here in these threads can help you be sober if you are willing. Id ask that you perhaps ask yourself what the drugs are really doing. How it impacts your health. Relationships. Financial impacts ect and just as some basic examples.
Might help you to see the negative impacts of the drugs as id noticed you mentioned them several times in a positive way. Im assuming that because you are here you know deep down nothing good will come from continuing to use and you can live a life free from it.
I have no personal experience with Meth. Though lots of people here do. This is an all welcoming sobriety community of all types of addictions.
You can use the search bar to look for specific topics to assist you aswell. Goodluck.
First and foremost, welcome to our incredible community.
Secondly, she sounds like a real crazy, selfish, uncaring, shallow, and myopic bitch.
Thirdly, you’re struggling to keep your head above water. Because of your abusive and toxic relationship, you’ve become emotionally isolated. That lack of meaningful connection, although you’ve worked so hard, drove you to grasp at straws. Unfortunately, you believed a beautiful lie: drugs are your meaningful connection.
If you feel focused, more balanced on meth; talk to your doctor about legal meth. 
You may have ADHD and discovered by accident how to self-correct it. Now, if you’re taking meth because it makes you feel more productive, and therefore more lovable, reasonable, and worthy…then there’s that beautiful lie again.
You’ve got deep and complicated thoughts and feelings that need professional help. I recommend going to NA and get set up with help at a short-term rehab.
You are beautiful, strong, capable, lovable, worthy, appreciated, valued, hard working, and a damned good father!
You don’t need meth to find that way. You need to detox from that crazy bitch and accept the peace that follows when she’s not in your life anymore.
Welcome. Im glad you found us. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. If you read around you will find skills and motivation to make a positive change and find sobriety again. Definitely consult with a mental health professional who can help with the restless thoughts and deelings. There are healthier ways to cope my friend and you are worthy of a sober life.
You came here because youre curious about sobriety again. We’ll love you until you can love yourself.
Theres hope