after 17 days sober i drank on Wednesday and then i drank again last night. i have to stop now. i feel so detached from my life. like the dreams i have are impossible to reach. i hate that feeling, i want to feel in love with my life, i want to feel empowered and of service, & not allow a spirit of evil to use my body for self-mutilation. why do i even give permission for that? it’s so disturbing. like girl, are u ok??? i think i’m struggling mentally more than i’ve yet admitted. i desperately want to write a new story for my life. where i triumph and overcome these battles. and reign over a queendom at peace. for now i just feel so exhausted and defeated.
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Oh Julia. I’m sorry to read this. Battling addiction is one of the toughest most rewarding things you will ever do. Very brave and courageous of you to get right back on here and own up to it.
I know a few people, myself included, that came on here first, and started a topic “I want to relapse “ or whatever. It saved me. And I know we’ve saved a few others. It’s fucking hard work. But so worth it. And so are you.
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I think I’ve mentioned John McAndrew has some great healing music for recovery. He generally moves me to tears. And then I can pick myself back up.
Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I fall.
Sometimes head first into the wall.
Sometimes I want to scream about it all.
Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I fall.
Heard an angle whisper in my ear
He said
Now don’t you worry about it all.
Heard an angle whisper in my ear.
He said you’re good enough anyhow.
Then I heard the angle laugh a little right out loud.
He said
You will always stumble.
And you will always fall.
I’m only human after all.
I’m only human I guess that’s all.
Anyway…… when I’m feeling vulnerable I tend to listen to his music. Get in a good cry and pick yourself back up.
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Wow!!! I couldn’t have written this better. U took the words right out of my mouth. That’s exactly how I feel when I use. Just so disconnected to life. Passions gone 
dreams and goals seem so far to reach. Drugs and alcohol do that to us. I’m new to recovery again so I don’t have too much advice, just wanted to say thank u for putting words to my thoughts. And to let u know u are not alone in thinking this
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Well done for speaking your truth, keep being honest, have you tried online meetings,or do you have a support network outside of this app?..
Keep coming back 
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What’s going on Julia?
@JuliaLuna
Don’t you give up on us.
I know a lot people won’t give up on you.
Stick with us lady. You’re so worth it.
Ya, I’m kinda worried about you.
Check in when your willing.
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hi @Dazercat hi everybody who replied on here — i really appreciate you guys — thank you for checking in and caring and supporting me. i’ve been silent for the last few days but i have been sober. i’ve actually been having a sort of spiritual awakening experience so i’ve just been praying a lot and listening to sermons and crying. it’s intense but it’s really awesome. i feel so vulnerable and yet so held, so loved by the Divine. i’m just taking it really slow and easy and humbling myself a lot.
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It sounds like you got something wonderful going on there Julia. Keep at it. You are blessed.
Thank you for checking in.
Do it again sometime when your up to it.
You’re in my prayers.
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Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war, I confess
My hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You
Trust In You
Song by Lauren Daigle
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You’re very welcome.
Lauren Daigle has such a unique voice. I love all her songs. But this one has help me out of a few bad places before. As a matter of fact it was helping me quite a bit this weekend.
Music is healing.
