Hi Louise, I understand what you’re going through, and it’s not crazy. It’s just a struggle. I’m grateful I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem and owned it and made the decision to do anything and everything I can to live and feel better, and I knew that meant being sober. Alcohol brings nothing positive into my life. The “good times” are just fantasy. I have a habit of glamorizing alcohol, but when I be honest with myself and play the tape all the way through, I know the truth. Alcohol is horrendous. It is poison. It makes me feel awful and regretful. I’m so happy to be sober now, and to be living my truth. I feel courageous now. Being sober has taught me so much strength and resilience. You can have this too. But you’ll have to make the decision to be sober, every day, focusing on one day at a time. There’s good days and hard days, but it’s always worth it 
wish you well 
you can do this!
I totally hear you. In some ways, when your life is totally out of control, it is easier to understand why you must stop. But when you have those occasional times you do succeed in not drinking too much, or you have those days when you don’t think about drinking, it lulls you into a sense of security. Only you can answer - how difficult is it to not drink too much? Does the fun you have when you don’t go overboard outweigh the negative things that happen the times you do go overboard? What does drinking bring to your life and what does it take away?
Wonderful responses to your post. So glad you joined. Keep in mind that alcohol abuse is progressive. It will get worse. There are many people on this app that have been here for years and still struggle. I was here for over 4 years before finally embracing a sober life. I got so many needless bottoms. Such a waste. Don’t be me.
The best gift I ever have myself was to get off the merry go round you are on and decide that I’m a person who doesn’t drink alcohol.
It took a lot of work, and still takes daily attention to making myself who I want to be.
But it is so amazing to be off the merry go round.
Be kind to yourself and step off the damn thing.
I wish you the best!
Wow, thanku so so much all of you!! U speak the truth and what I already know and just needed to hear from others!! I can’t thank u all enough for taking the time to speak to me xx
Hey @Louise1,
When I was in my early to mid 30’s, I kind of suspected I had a problem with alcohol and I kind of wanted to quit, but I also kind of didn’t. So I bargained. I’d quit for a few weeks then drink. It seemed to be working, until I found myself bargaining even more, “ok, I’ll drink twice this week but not next”. The time between kept slipping shorter and shorter. Then, was drinking every day.
I remember thinking that whatever problem I had, wasn’t THAT bad. I mean, my peers all drank too, some much more, and they are all ok, so I am too? Maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe it was, hard to tell, but I do know it got worse. It always does. (Eventually some of my peers started dying from alcohol related diseases).
So, here you are. 3 years after your last post. Because were here in 2019 and now you’re back, that tells me you don’t feel good about your relationship with alcohol, and I totally understand.
My advice is to really examine your relationship with alcohol. And then, if you need to, Change your Relationship with Alcohol
That is the turning point of my sobriety, changing my relationship with alcohol.
Welcomw back!
Similar to @HoofHearted .
You are here for a reason and that is most likely because something inside of you is telling you that something isn’t right.
I think that is a God given warning.
When we ignore that warning as so many of us have, you end up in a place that is so obvious that it is a problem. You don’t have to search very long to find out what that place looks like.
If you were here 4 years ago searching and you are here today again…. I would say soak long and deep in the wisdom and the pain that is available here. It might save your life.
I am an alcoholic and I cannot drink. Not shouldn’t, CAN’T.
Here’s my proof:
Driving drunk
Stealing money to buy alcohol
Caring for my son drunk off my ass
Making online purchases
Drinking more than I intended to
Lying about my drinking
Withdrawals
As much as I would like to believe I would be fine if I drank, deep down I KNOW I will do those things again…because I am an alcoholic.
People that have a healthy relationship (if such a thing exists) with alcohol don’t think about it, can stop half way through their first drink without a second thought. That is how my wife is… That is clearly not how i am…
It sounds like you’re discovering your truth with alcohol. Just be honest with yourself and you will find all the answers you need. Best wishes to you.
Hi, i can absolutely relate. I am not saying this to scare or diagnose but your thoughts and rationalizations sound almost eerily like mine. I was only drinking by myself at night so people didnt really see it and i could justify it. I dont need it, i can go without it, i only do it x amount of times a week. These things were both not true and a sign of a worsening trend. When i took mental inventory, i actually was surprised at how many harmful behaviors were tied to drinking. I was lying to my family and friends about how often i was drinking, sneaking alcohol in the house, hiding boxes and bottles, buying things online i wouldnt remember the next day, falling asleep or being to groggy when my family needed me earlier in the morning, eating so much and not remembering it that i would throw up and then not know why skipping meals so my alcohol would have a better “effect”. All of these habits and behaviors werent “as bad” because i wasnt “drinking every day” but they dont stay still or improve, they will almost definitely continue and get worse. Even if you dont drink often but bad things happen to you, i would recommend stopping. Also i know its hard when around people but you could always blow them off, say youre the DD, or fool them with a mocktail. You dont owe anyone anything. You owe yourself what is best for YOU. I support you wholeheartedly on your sober journey and to let you in on a secret: your brain is lying to you!!! This 100% does not sound crazy- you sound like you know what the right thing is, you just need to cut through the noise. Much love and luck!
I think you said it all, " I just feel better when I don’t. " That’s it in a nutshell. Everything is better without alcohol. I used to think it loosened me up so I could talk to people, but after I quit, I realized I’m a better conversationalist sober, funnier, more in control, feel better, and sleep better. I’m becoming extremely appreciative of my sober life.
I was saying from time to time in college which was in my twenties that we had to watch out not becoming alcoholic. 
I think there is this voice which is knocking from the inside of your scull fairly early on the way down. Maybe it’s our inner child or parental part trying to protect us. Wishing we wouldn’t have to learn the hard way. Still, I had to learn my hard way.
Several times you wrote how good you feel when you’re not drinking and how much you like yourself not drinking.
Also that you drank to not be boring. I doubt you were boring and/or that drinking made you ‘not boring’. That just sounds like junkies lies.
Learn to love yourself sober and accept yourself sober.
This site will help you with that.
Meetings and being involved with others, here, IRL, who understand your desire to not drink and also your struggles to not drink and the struggles when you are sober of not drinking.
Wishing you your best ( sober ) life.
There’s nothing wrong or weird about getting and staying sober. It’s a good place to be …. And stay. 
You have so many thoughtful responses, you must be reminding us all of ourselves. 
And no, you don’t sound crazy at all, more like someone trying to figure out how alcohol fits into your life. I know I spent a long time trying to figure that out myself until I finally realized that those times of fighting with my husband, anger, anxiety, feeling defeated, and all the crap that can come with drinking would actually end when I stopped drinking. Not that life would be all fabulous, life is always going to have challenges, we will always have highs and lows…but we do not need to add alcohol to the mix and make it all so much worse.
And like you, sure thing I could go many times drinking and not turn into a crazed maniacal drunk…but…I never knew when that switch would flip and always eventually it would. And as time goes on, that switch flips more often and your inner world becomes more messy. Why treat yourself like that when you do not have to?
Idk if you read any sobriety/ quit lit books, but a few I have taken a lot from are…Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker, This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and Push Off From Here by Laurie McKowen.
I drank for a really long time, it was what everyone around me was doing as well. It was how ‘I relaxed’ and ‘handled anxiety’ and ‘had fun’ or at least that was the fantasy I had …the reality of drinking was it was hurting my marriage, sucking my spirit and soul away, destroying my self worth and poisoning my body. Everything I deluded myself into thinking alcohol was ‘helping’…sobriety HAS helped. Who knew? Definitely not me. But now I do. No shame in not knowing.
As for not drinking ‘forever’…that is a long time I know!! For me, I find more peace and ease in knowing that today I won’t drink.
Really glad you are back and asking yourself some tough questions. I promise there is more to life than the drinking merry go round. 
Thank you to everyone for replies, that’s exactly how I feel, I may be able to be a nitnalish drinker a few times but eventually I will back out and ruin my life somehow!! 
I wish you well and happy Ur now sober and living Ur best life xx
Thanku all for Ur replies, absolutely spot on a d I really appreciate each and everyone of you x
Well done, I hope to feel the same as you, u must feel brilliant 
You are not crazy @Louise1 but alcohol is cunning. Think well why you decided in the past to stop. Nothing really good happens if you drink but something bad may happen if you drink.
Thats the exact thing that happens to me.
Late reply but yessss- that stupid voice oh now & then have a glass …. It’s a crap shoot. & swear the devil. Alcohol esp gals is baby showers to after work. Hair, gals lunch, nails - constant ! Of course we think & romantic thoughts - it’s Poison or blood in a glass - we all get the crazy thoughts !! One day they will be rare & sobriety a habit !