I am having a hard time of letting go of the things I cannot control. I tend to give these things to my higher power and then turn around and take it right back, running on self will and I just keep getting hurt or in my head more and more. I guess just any advice and suggestions from personal experience is what I’m asking. I’m starting my 4th step tonight as well and I started writing a list of the names and just got really upset over just writing the names. I will have 60 days in a week.
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I’m not going through a 12-step, but let me offer you some ideas that have worked for me, with a little backstory.
I went through a nasty divorce, and to this day, years later, my ex-wife is a thorn in my side, and there’s no real way to get her out of my life as we have a daughter, so I’m stuck dealing with her on some level until my daughter is 18.
As you might imagine, this makes for some contentious relations. In the beginning, I tried very hard to fight back, to try and control her parenting style and make it conform more with what we had mutually agreed upon, and generally to get things done my way.
One day, I realized that all I was doing was making myself miserable. I made the decision that as long as nobody was being hurt, I was going to let her live her life, and parent the way she wanted at her home, whether it met our agreement or not. I stopped commenting when my daughter was put to bed too late, or was dropped off late for school. I decided to control what I could control, and leave the rest alone.
Very quickly, I stopped being miserable. Arguments between my ex and I decreased by two-thirds. I didn’t feel guilty about how bad our relationship was. I actually felt like I was the better person. It just changed everything.