Advice warmly welcomed upon my first steps into the unknown

I have recently began my sobriety and find myself in somewhat uncharted territory, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I should let you know a bit about me before you respond. It will be the first time I have ever revealed all of this to anyone.

I don’t have a particular vice per se; It seems like anything I touch becomes an addiction given time.Alcohol, nicotine, pornography, MDMA, opioids, ampethtimes, cannabis, even certain hallucinogens (though not physically addictive, I have tried to depend on them too much) have all taken turns, sometimes multiple at any one period of time, at being a crutch or an avenue to leaving my reality. Other drugs I have tried and been able to resist, but I put that down more to lack of availablity rather than desire.

Most recently, I had been abusing ampethtimes and alcohol on a daily basis. After a long summer’s day out with friends and then an evening on video chats with my family came the day after. A familiar experience to many of you, I am sure: suicidal thoughts, desperation, and torturous self-loathing. I have been there so many times before. I decided, though not for the first time, that enough was enough. I discussed with my partner the anguish I was sufferrig (though I omitted many difficult details) and why I do it to myself. I said that I would abstain from anything addictive from that day onwards.

Thus far I have held strong despite some very difficult periods of craving. However, I don’t feel like I have been tested as strongly as I will in the future. Whilst I have found myself dependent on substances throughout my adult life and often have used daily, I have luckily not allowed them to impact my career or relationships too greatly, though that is not to say they havent at all. I believe it is this ability to just about keep it together that has made me believe that I can continue on with what I am doing without great loss - I remain fit, with a promising career, and people who love me in my life, and yet I tear my mentalbwellbeing to shreds on a regular basis, barely pulling myself back together to continue on being a son, brother, friend, uncle, and boyfriend. I worry that if I don’t stop know, it will begin to seriously impact on all aspects of my life.

Social settings (parties, clubs, with friends, or something similar)bare when I use to the extreme. Once social activities are permitted with greater numbers, I am confident my will will be tested severely. It is in these circumstances that I use drugs and alcohol most recklessly and with the greatest subsequent negative impact - comedowns that never end, only briefly interrupted by another momentary high. I feel I use not only to salve social anxieties, but also because I seek the hedonism and other worldly experiences - a part of me knows that I wouldn’t have learned as much about myself without the use of certain drugs .

Almost all of my friends drink and use drugs regularly, thought not every social interaction we have necessitates doing so. I’m sure I can still remain friend with them and have fun without using, but I am terrified of explaining to them why I will not partake. This is not because I fear they will reject me or be unsupportive, but rather that I find it extremely challenging to be honest about my feelings, especislky without being high.

I have been meditating again lately and exercise frequently. I feel I know the traits and thought patterns that lead me to using substances well. I see them forming and know to expect them, and yet almost without fail, I am unable to resist the urge. I have tried in the past. I have read all the tips and exercises, but nothing has so far stuck.

I know this is all quite long-winded, but it feels good to actually finally reveal all. If nothing else, this catharsis was much needed.

And so, I want to ask - what can help me make this the final attempt? I would love to hear of any similar stories or insight.


Alcohol is my worst vice, and what I had to deal with immediately apon joining this group. But I, like you, will take whatever is placed in front of me(besides the 2 drugs I’ve placed a very hard line against). Reading on here, every single day (sometimes all day), got me thru my first 2 months. Then, feeling lost, and taking advice from this community, I walked into my first AA meeting and that changed my life dramatically. Unfortunately my sober story ended, 3/25, at almost 5 months clean, due to COVID(in my f-ed up mind, but obviously it was my decision). But I’m still here every day. Trying to find that original motivation I had back in November. That’s just my story as of right now. It does take a lot of work and will power but it 100% can be done. Theres so much proof of that here. And I believe that, and that’s why I’m still here. Battling my monster every day. Stick around. Take the advice. Try things you never thought youd ever do, bc it could change your life too. All the best my friend :pray: