I have recently began my sobriety and find myself in somewhat uncharted territory, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I should let you know a bit about me before you respond. It will be the first time I have ever revealed all of this to anyone.
I don’t have a particular vice per se; It seems like anything I touch becomes an addiction given time.Alcohol, nicotine, pornography, MDMA, opioids, ampethtimes, cannabis, even certain hallucinogens (though not physically addictive, I have tried to depend on them too much) have all taken turns, sometimes multiple at any one period of time, at being a crutch or an avenue to leaving my reality. Other drugs I have tried and been able to resist, but I put that down more to lack of availablity rather than desire.
Most recently, I had been abusing ampethtimes and alcohol on a daily basis. After a long summer’s day out with friends and then an evening on video chats with my family came the day after. A familiar experience to many of you, I am sure: suicidal thoughts, desperation, and torturous self-loathing. I have been there so many times before. I decided, though not for the first time, that enough was enough. I discussed with my partner the anguish I was sufferrig (though I omitted many difficult details) and why I do it to myself. I said that I would abstain from anything addictive from that day onwards.
Thus far I have held strong despite some very difficult periods of craving. However, I don’t feel like I have been tested as strongly as I will in the future. Whilst I have found myself dependent on substances throughout my adult life and often have used daily, I have luckily not allowed them to impact my career or relationships too greatly, though that is not to say they havent at all. I believe it is this ability to just about keep it together that has made me believe that I can continue on with what I am doing without great loss - I remain fit, with a promising career, and people who love me in my life, and yet I tear my mentalbwellbeing to shreds on a regular basis, barely pulling myself back together to continue on being a son, brother, friend, uncle, and boyfriend. I worry that if I don’t stop know, it will begin to seriously impact on all aspects of my life.
Social settings (parties, clubs, with friends, or something similar)bare when I use to the extreme. Once social activities are permitted with greater numbers, I am confident my will will be tested severely. It is in these circumstances that I use drugs and alcohol most recklessly and with the greatest subsequent negative impact - comedowns that never end, only briefly interrupted by another momentary high. I feel I use not only to salve social anxieties, but also because I seek the hedonism and other worldly experiences - a part of me knows that I wouldn’t have learned as much about myself without the use of certain drugs .
Almost all of my friends drink and use drugs regularly, thought not every social interaction we have necessitates doing so. I’m sure I can still remain friend with them and have fun without using, but I am terrified of explaining to them why I will not partake. This is not because I fear they will reject me or be unsupportive, but rather that I find it extremely challenging to be honest about my feelings, especislky without being high.
I have been meditating again lately and exercise frequently. I feel I know the traits and thought patterns that lead me to using substances well. I see them forming and know to expect them, and yet almost without fail, I am unable to resist the urge. I have tried in the past. I have read all the tips and exercises, but nothing has so far stuck.
I know this is all quite long-winded, but it feels good to actually finally reveal all. If nothing else, this catharsis was much needed.
And so, I want to ask - what can help me make this the final attempt? I would love to hear of any similar stories or insight.