Edited to include photo of damaged vehicle.
I don’t know if trigger warnings are needed, but just in case, there are mildly graphic details of a severe auto accident…just me, no casualties. I just don’t want to trigger anyone’s PTSD. No photos since I’m a new user, but the picture of my car makes you see how bad it truly was.
I never thought I’d land at the bottom. In fact, I felt that I “knew” I would NEVER get there. Until I did. There’s no more denying, negotiating, pretending, hiding…I’m truly a full-blown alcoholic and now the time has arrived to face it and change. Really, really change. I tell my story to help make any PTSD I might be facing less severe, but also to provide at least one person the strength to make it at least one more day in their sobriety.
On June 1st, 2024, I drank far too much. More than I ever have before. I have no idea why I continued to drink nearly a 5th of rum following a 6-pack of 6.5% cider. I lost complete track of time. I lost recollection of about a 24hr period and was jolted back to reality when I tripped and face planted on my kitchen floor, breaking my 2 front teeth off. I panicked and texted the dentist I work for, who agreed to leave immediately and meet me at the office in 30 minutes. I rushed out the door, pretending I wasn’t drunk. My Dad asked if I was Ok to drive. I said yes.
I lost recollection again of leaving the house, until my vehicle veered off the shoulder as I came around a curve, about 15 minutes into my drive. I hit gravel, over corrected, lost control, and braced for impact. I remember nothing until the car landed facing backwards in a pine tree, upright. I’m told I rolled at least twice. No other vehicles were involved. I think the tree was the only property destruction. I don’t know how I got so lucky. I’m not religious but I almost believe I wasn’t meant to die yet. The car was smashed in everywhere except my driver’s side. I was stunned, in shock, staring at the blood on my hands not understanding where it was coming from. It ended up being from minor scrapes. I stared at my car door not understanding how to open it. I couldn’t find a handle. I couldn’t see outside the vehicle and no one could see in. Every airbag deployed and the windshield was shattered but intact. Before I could finish trying to figure it out, someone yelled to see if I was ok. Once they confirmed they weren’t opening the car to a dead body, a woman helped me out and called my Dad once I could remember the number. I wanted to call the office to let them know i wasn’t coming. No one would let me. (I found out later the dentist was so worried he drove out to my house but couldn’t find my car. They knew something had happened but were lost on what to do.) Bystanders made me lie down on the grass until paramedics came. It felt like everything took 5 minutes. My clothes were cut off as everything was assessed. I didn’t even care that i was lying completely exposed around a crowd of onlookers. A county Sherriff asked me lots of questions that I didn’t answer accurately since I thought it was the morning, but it was actually evening. My BA was 0.278. I also had been vaping cannabis. I’m worried about what’s coming with all the legal stuff.
I was given morphine when my lower back started hurting. I had 2 lumbar compression fractures and a broken rib. A massive bruise on my knee/shin/calf that now has a hematoma, some other cuts scrapes and bruises, and that’s it. No concussion, lacerations, contusions, internal bleeding, not even a headache. I requested transport to University of Michigan hospital, the only health system in Michigan I recommend. I spent 3 nights in the hospital with around the clock pain meds, including Oxy, which I’m terrified of becoming addicted to. They sent me home with 10 pills. I waited a day and a half to take one and had my Dad keep the bottle from me. It made me feel so calm, normal and comfortable moving around even with the brace on that I fear I’d abuse them. I couldn’t leave my hospital bed for 1.5 days because I was waiting on orthopedics to fit me for a back brace. The brace is a rigid, full torso “turtle shell” that someone else has to put on/off of me while I lie flat in bed. There is a series of “log rolls” I have to do to get the back plate on. I’m not allowed to be in any position but totally flat on my back with it off. So I have to dress lying down with help… I have to bathe with the brace on, so I can’t wash very well. A little TMI, but adding to the reality of the situation, I have special tongs for toilet paper so I can wipe more easily, but I plan on getting a bidet attachment. My Dad is my caretaker and neither of us are ok with him seeing me naked, so I’m just sponge bathing until the only person I’ll let see me that way is available to make a 2hr drive to help me. I need to find a better solution because my unwashed hair is absolutely disgusting. Maybe they’ll dread themselves and I’ll start a new look 
I can’t twist, bend or lift over 10lbs (I can only do 5 right now.) I have to log roll in and out of bed in my turtle shell every time I need to get up. This will be my life for 6-12 weeks.
I’ll be doing outpatient substance abuse rehab once I can get out in public more easily. My primary doctor is concerned about PTSD. I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow because things are starting to get overwhelming.
I want to say that If I’d just stayed home instead of running to the party store that Friday, none of this would’ve happened, but I think it just would’ve happened eventually anyway, to be frank. I found myself running down a dune with my drinking frequency and intensity, gaining so much momentum I just went flipping up over myself over and over at increasing speed until I crashed out at the bottom.
Drinking and pretending your life is intact is so much easier than realizing it’s not and taking steps to improve. Our brains will always choose the path of least resistance. I no longer trust mine. Today, i feel that I “know” that I’ll NEVER end up here again. But that’s what I thought before, so that doesn’t make it true. Thank you for reading if you made it to the end. Getting this off my chest is helpful.
