My boyfriend had just got out of First Hospital 3 days ago today, after being in there for a week, maybe a little over & then flew out to Texas for 30 days to a rehab facility to detox off of Meth. Me on the other hand, had relapsed. This is my second time, and I never seem to make it past 7-10 days without relapsing again. I had used with him a week prior to when he left to First Hospital. I then stopped using up until the night before he left for Texas & have been using since, but not as much as i was before. I promised him i wouldn’t touch anything & I caved when i shouldnt of. I broke a promise that should have been kept… but anyways, the last of the last bag we did together, ended with a bang I guess?! We broke out two thick lines as usual, & had sped for the last time together.
…but i won’t forget to mention, that we still had more left after those lines. As we looked into each others eyes filled with many emotions, & speeding harder than expected, he asked me a question, that i agreed to. We got out of the car & blew the rest of it. off his phone, & into the air!! Kissed eachother due to the commitment we made to stop! Happy until we both came down off of the last bit of Meth we did. I already knew what Meth detox was like due to obviously stopping before, but he in fact never gave himself enough time to detox. He did it consistently, & pretty much almost daily for longer than 3 month’s. I found out he was using when I had a pregnancy scare, & asked him to come get blood work with me. He refused to call, text, or even communicate the slightest bit with me & so I told his mother he was using. Things were rocky from that point on. He still used Meth daily, either it’d be him at work, home, parties, parking lots, & more. I then already knew I wasn’t pregnant, & slowly eased my way back into his life because I wanted to save him. Being that he was my ex for just a little over a year, i was with him for 3. I still loved him, & I wanted to help. & so I finally got him where I wanted him, & I ended up using again to get him to stop. I never was able to maintain my body while on Meth, i would go weeks without eating, or sleeping. I hallucinated, to the point I literally went crazy. & then 2 days before our last time together, i was in my hotel room & I had just got out of the shower. Now only waiting a wonderful 95 pounds from being 125 pounds, i got out of my shower, walked out into the room & dropped my towel to the floor. Tearing up, i asked him if he wanted to continue using, & he had no words. He seen how badly Meth had destroyed my body. I was rotting, dying from the inside out & was worse than I had ever been before. Being constantly weak, & getting winded the slightest bit I moved, i was now detoxing at this point. I reacted upon my suicidal thoughts, & just wanted to lay my head to rest peacefully forever. I was dying, literally. I had eaten 20, 1mg kalonopin within only 10 hours. & when I slept, i slept for 16 hours straight. I didn’t move from that hotel bed for anything besides to use the bathroom. I woke up to a call from my now boyfriend, & I don’t remember what happened other than us getting into an argument. He left my hotel around 8:30ish that night, called me around 10, & was in the hospital before I had awaken around 11 or 12ish. I tried getting in contact with him numerous times that night, but no answer. So I contacted his mother & it was said that he was in with crisis. She blamed me for his use, & said I enabled him. She made me feel like everything he did was my fault, & tried getting us to stop seeing one another. I then came to the conclusion that it wasn’t, i tried stopping him & only ended up using again myself, i knew if wasn’t my fault. I didn’t tell him to continue using it, nor to continue buying it. He lost a lot of people due to using, including me at one point, & only for me to find out that i was the main reason he made the choice to stop, as well as his nostrils being raw & sore & then some. He is now sober I believe almost 2 weeks & doesn’t plan to use when he gets back home from Texas. Me, I’m still using, & now don’t have the willpower at all to stop, i want to continue my use for the next 28 days that he is out of state, & go to rehab when he gets out. Will I stop even though I don’t want to now, bet your ass I’m going to try! He’s doing fantastic right now. & somehow, i managed to lace his shoes on my own feet, being just as selfish as he was, & continue to break the promise of no longer using. The last time I used, was around 12 lastnight with a girlfriend, & stopped speeding completely around 3:30 this morning. & I’m currently laying sick in bed with her. But as I lay here, i wonder why I do this to myself, & why I continue my use when I should be clean like I promise my boyfriend I would. I ask god, what I did to deserve something so conveniently inconvenient in my life that draws me back to Meth, why I was the only one out of 2 other siblings to have an addictive personality & more. Better me than them. I’m just looking for a little bit up guidance & answers as to why it’s so hard to say no when it’s in front of me, so hard to stop once I start, & why I haven’t yet got what I started recovery for. I changed my group of friends multiple times, at times I didn’t even have any, i did everything I possibly could & I still somehow find myself putting it up my nose after being clean for only a certain amount of time. Someone, please help. I’m no longer worried about my boyfriend, I’m now worried about myself. Being only 17 & this caught up in it only gives me a more time in life to continue using a drug I hate so much, but enjoy just as much…
I was 18 when I got addcited to heroin so I know how it feels being very young and questioning why. Thankfully my addiction only lasted 2 years. Now it’s been over 3 years sober other than beer, and I’m married to a wonderful man and raising my first child and life has turned around completely. God will hear your prayers if you’re sincere and truly wanting to change. I noticed you’ve said you tried everything to quit, but obviously that isn’t true because here you are using again. We all have free will. You are in complete control of what you choose to do or not do. Addiction is hard. Doesn’t matter what it is, but the key is to fight the temptation. And don’t live in denial. If you truly want to stop then you wouldn’t put a count down on it. Oh I’ll stop in a month… You’ve already set yourself up not to quit cause what happens if you survive after those days are up and your boyfriend gets out and you still dont want to stop? Now is the time. Now is always the time. I will be praying for you. I hope you truly seek the Lord because I promise you He can pick you up and see you through this. Just gotta open the door He’s been knocking at.
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