This question varies between me trying to be sober and my "relationship " just want to hear advice or if anyone is going through similar. I was with my daughters father for almost 3 years. When I was sober we were amazing and really in love, when I was intoxicated I was awful, said horrible things, he said we’re really done now. When I prove I’m sober and staying sober and that’s the life I want, will it get better. I want to and need to make amends but he’s so angry at me and I understand completely. Should I focus on me and getting sober and let him just see it?. Am I thinking too much? I never asked for advice, just grabbed beer instead so I’m just in need of it now:blue_heart:
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To be honest, I found when it comes to partners or family members, actions speak louder than words. They often have heard us apologize more time than we can count. They need to SEE the change and that its lasting. In situations like urs, I have just been showing thru my actions that I have changed. They have seen the change. In recovery we need to make sure we are clean and sober first and foremost so that we have a chance for things in our lives to get better. I found focusing on myself in turn has greatly improved the relationship with my hubby and family members
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If you want to be sober, you need to do it for you, not for him or anyone else. You need to decide is it something you really want to do, or is it in hopes he will come back. If you grabbed a beer after asking, I think it may be for the latter. I wish you luck, there’s a lot of great people here and a lot of threads to read, I wish you the best! 
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I read that wrong at first too but I think what she meant was she never asked for advice before, because in the past instead of doing so she would just grab a beer instead. You’re 100% right though Maxine, @Klynn, becoming sober really needs to be for yourself. I’m here because I’m an alcoholic but I was married to one before I became one (or at least before I actually started drinking everyday but I believe I was born an alcoholic and always have been) before I started abusing alcohol I remember when I found out my husband was lying to me about his drinking and sneaking it behind my back. That was when my daughter was only three or four years old. She’s 16 now.I love my husband and still do and really wanted to work it out so I stayed. I’m not blaming him at all for my alcoholism but it definitely enabled me to begin abusing it. It’s been a complicated relationship and he still drinks now. I really want him to stop but I’m on my own journey and he is a very functioning alcoholic (as was I however I drank hard alcohol way too fast and way too much whereas he nurses his beers slowly all evening which seems to have a different effect on him not that I’m saying that’s good in any way). I’m taking a long way to get to a point of saying that this has been an ongoing issue with my husband and I really wish he would quit drinking because I have considered leaving many many times but I have basically told him I want to stop hearing his excuses and his promises and all I want him to do is be honest with himself. He needs to be able to look himself in the mirror and like who he sees. Actions do speak louder than words.
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Get sober for you and everything else will work itself out. If you try to get sober for someone else it can cause resentments, we may pick fights so we have an easy excuse to use. YOU are worth getting sober for, YOU deserve a sober, happy, healthy life. Best wishes on your journey, we are all here to help eachother.
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Yes I meant I never asked for advice and just drank. I still am sober!
I am definitely doing it for my self I guess my question was really did he love me and if so why leave when I needed it the most you know. But I know all I can do is find me, the sober me, the happy me, before anything else. My apologies for the long message being confusing:blue_heart:
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I completely agree. It’s definitely for me. I’m just thinking about all the loved ones I still need and want in my life is all. But I have said I’m changing many times so I get they need and want to see it not hear it for the 100th time. But thank you so much💙
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I’m so sorry, I did read it wrong! You said that’s what you used to do!! My apologies, I believe you need to do it for you, and everything else will hopefully work out.
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Don’t apologize I completely get how it sounds:) but thank the lord and myself I am still sober. I’ve emptied my house of all alcohol. I am on an emotional roller coaster for sure but the image I have for me is what is keeping me going! Thank you💙
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Hi @Klynn
There’s a thread about loved ones who are addicted. Maybe read around there. There are lot of different posts and issues, I find it helpful.
From my experience action rules. Our loved ones heard and whitnessed too much lies and crap with our intoxicated behaviour. When I focus on me, my husband sees how I deal and what changes. It takes time to heal in wounded relationships. Wish you the best
Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict?
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