Totally new here. I’m 28 and mostly my issue has been social binge drinking / some recreational drug use for the past 6 years. I find it helpful to hear others stories about why they decided to get sober. (whether for the first time or not) I find it really hard to find this kind of support with friends, even though I do need to talk about it, because it can be intense and I know it’s hard to relate to unless you’ve dealt with similar issues / had similar experiences. I feel a lot of shame regarding my issues and I really want to start dealing with that and letting it go.
I’ve been pretty “good” in quarantine, drinking moderately, but this past Friday I had a blackout after drinking with some friends and it has made me realize I need to, again, seriously address this. Pretty soon after I started drinking in my late teens, this has been an issue. I don’t know if it’s partly genetics. partly my own mental health issues, what have you but I don’t think a healthy relationship with alcohol is in the cards for me.
I’ve blacked out countless times over the years but this one particularly shook me as I can’t remember anything for several hours and I’ve at the least exposed myself to COVID. It also happened after a time of relatively “good” behavior and just kind of woke me up to the fact that it’s a ticking time bomb every time.
Anyway, whatever you’d like to share would definitely help me out!
Thanks!
Edit:
Also just to get off my chest, a list of the dumb sh*t I’ve done while wasted/ blacked out/ coked out:
No sexual boundaries, not remembering sexual experiences, not practicing safe sex (or having no idea whether I did or not)
Busted my knee twice, busted ankle / shin bone a few times, broke and sprained my finger, smacked my face on the sidewalk
Said things that didn’t make any sense, revealed secrets I never would have sober, gone on intense rants about trauma
Tried walking into traffic
Severed important networking ties for myself and good friends by acting a fool - two experiences being at wrap parties for projects I had worked on, one of which I passed out in the bathroom. Another experience was at a music event a friend organized when I blacked out and yelled at the staff along with another friend and ruined that relationship for my friend who had booked the event.
I could probably think of more but these are some that haunt me the most
Every blackout began with a single drink. Every passout began with a single drink. Every missed good night hug from my little girl, every stab of sadness experienced by a wife who was watching her husband slip away, began with a single drink.
I rarely set out to get drunk, but I regularly ended up there. Except the last time I drank. I was intent on getting smashed, because I felt like something was chasing me. The next day I realized something was indeed chasing me. It was the epiphany that if I didn’t want to lose everything good in my life, I could never drink again.
In that moment I embraced “forever”. The beauty of this was in that very same moment, I became free!
@clawdia
This is my story. I was punch drunk.in.my stuper I found my self in a forest. A dome a canopy of leaves. It was day time a dull light was filtering in. Soon the darkness fell. I could hear the wolves howling. I.could hear the rustle of the bats and see the slithery snakes of many colors. It stuck me this is where I was going to die. Where will my help come from. I started crawling away from the spot where I thought I will die. I cried out to God "won’t you help me. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. The suddenly there was a streak of light that pierced the canopy. Climb out son I heard a voice say. I did. There was no.one else there. Then I was redeemed by God. How can I now go wrong!
My first “I need to get sober” moment came when I was 24. I worked a really stressful job in Internal Audit at a really messed up company. My boss was pure evil. She was the most manipulative and conniving person I’ve ever known. She would destroy people’s careers and pit people against each other for fun.
One day I was forced to be a part of one of her little games that got someone fired. It was that or I got fired. So I went home and drowned my guilt with a bottle of whiskey. I woke up in the hospital having driven my car across a busy town and wrecked on a curb. Then I walked up to a restaurant and passed out where they called the ambulance.
When I woke up in the hospital the next morning I knew I had to get to work. I woke up with just shorts and one flip flop on. I ran from the hospital to where my car had been parked in Atlanta rush hour traffic. I’m sure that was quite a sight for everyone driving by to see this guy limp skipping to his car half clothed at 8 am during the work week. Got to my car and noticed it had a flat so I parked in a spot where it wouldnt get towed and ran back to my apartment and got dressed for work.
I ended up losing my job not long after that anyway after approaching HR regarding her abuse. Unfortunately it took several years before I did anything about it. When I look back on it that’s when I shouldve woken up and got help.
Thank you for sharing! And though you may not have decided then and there to get sober, at least you’re in the process now. It’s a super personal journey.
I have a million black out and passout stories. Early 20s I drank and drove a lot, has sex with ppl I didn’t know. Woke up places I didn’t remember going. Have woken up in my own vomit, pee, and shit, if I’m being honest. Blacked out after an Uber ride home 2 yrs ago and wandered around for hours in my own neighborhood for a total of 5 miles completely blacked out. Finally the light switched back on in my head and I got home but I could have died that night. All of that wasn’t enough though.
I am so sick of treating myself like a dumpster and slowly (maybe quickly) killing myself. I’m tired of the negative self talk and hatred. I would never let my kids do this to themselves. I cant show up for anyone else fully if I’m not fully present. It’s just time to do the work and stop trying to cover up my emotions and past traumas. My kids and husband need me, but I need to live a life I won’t regret at the end of it.
Hey there! Thank you for sharing your story. I agree, I also find it helpful to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this, that there are many that share the same story! I’m also 28 and have recently come to the decision that it’s time to end my relationship with alchohol - its day 9!
I’ve shared similar experiences, blacked out more times than I could ever imagine to count. What’s done it for me this time is the fear of losing friends and loved ones. I tend to be a mean angry drunk when it comes to my significant other and an absolute embarrassment when it comes to my friends. The final straw event involves me getting angry and abusive towards my boyfriend at a bar in front of all my friends and telling them all about horrible past traumas in my life.
I woke up the next morning extremely embarrassed which lead to extreme anxiety, and it’s not nearly the first time I’ve woke up hungover feeling like that. I thought to myself, I’ve done this so many times to my friends and boyfriend, its inevitable that no one is going to want to be around me anymore. I barely have friends as it is, I cant afford to act this way. And I’m tired of the extreme anxiety alchohol has caused me lately. I dont know if anyone else has experienced this but everytime I’ve drank for maybe the past year I wake up, heart pounding with anxiety, about all the stupid things I did or said the night before. It’s not worth it for me.
My question to you since you and I are the same age…how are your friends taking your decision? I feel like the majority of my friends at this age spend most of their free time drinking…
As far as the anxiety - I’ve always had some measure my whole life which is partly why I started drinking in the first place in social situations. But over the years it has backfired completely. Drinking around people who know me now makes me anxious because of how I have behaved around them in the past, and I try to get tipsy as soon as possible so I feel “normal”. And yeah the anxiety the next day / during a hangover (even if I can remember everything and didn’t embarrass myself) is intense.
After one night in particular that was really bad I had a 24 hr panic attack, thankfully had the day off from work so I was able to ride it out but I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Drinking anxiety is the reason I developed panic attacks in the first place.
As far as my friends - again for most of my close friends drinking isn’t an issue. They are supportive for sure but social life does revolve around bars and clubs. Kind of thankful for quarantine as that’s not a problem for me right now. In the past this has been a big issue but I feel ready to make some big changes for myself.
I have a mix of friends on each end of the spectrum, some are alcoholics but won’t admit it, some have gone sober but I’m not super close with any of those people. Again there’s a level of shame that is always difficult to talk through.
First time posting, 9 days sober! I first got sober in November 2019 after yet another blackout trying to hurt myself stupor. Lasted for a couple months until gradually going back to drinking little by little. I’m a binge drinker, my intentions were to always “behave” and not get to “that point”. I’ve been in a psych ward more times for trying to kill myself while drunk than anything. It’s wake up the next day and wonder why I’m there, I’m not that person sober. I’m two different people wren it comes to drinking.
This last time, 9 days ago, I was blacked out, caught a disorderly conduct and domestic abuse charge. I woke up in jail and it was that moment I knew I could NEVER drink again. I was going to lose my everything, my fiance and kids. I have to go to court in September and I face 90 days in jail and/or $1,000 fine.
No amount of alcohol is worth this. I’m paying for something drunk me did, not the real me. I’m legit scared of myself if I were to ever drink again and what keeps me wanting to change my life is knowing where the drinking got me.
I don’t want to EVER experience or put my family through what i did ever again.
I too had blackout sex with a guy who clearly took advantage of me, knowing damn well i wasn’t “there” for it. I have so much guilt from everything I’ve been through, that’s happened to me and everything I’ve put my family and children through.
I know for a fact I’m better than this and deserve better and so do my kids.
HI Jill, and welcome here… I’m first of all sending you a big hug and know that you are where you’re very welcome! My heart ached for you reading that; please don’t beat yourself up anymore than you already have.
Everyone has a past/story. Stick around and you’ll start to feel a little better.
Thank you for sharing and definitely second Donna, I know it’s hard not to beat yourself up for it but you deserve to feel good about yourself!
Reading that was as if I wrote it myself. You’re not alone.
And hooking up with someone while blackout is a horrible feeling. I’ve been there multiple times. It’s traumatic and it’s also upsetting that so many people take advantage like that.
Here’s to your recovery!
I love the sentiment of embracing forever, as being freeing instead of daunting!
