The past year she’s also gambling and losing all her money which then leads back to the original addiction alcohol when she loses.
She then starts saying she feels suicidal and then I pay her bills but a week later she’s back drinking again getting very nasty towards me and I feel a huge amount of guilt that I’m enabling her
What do I do when she threatens to kill herself if I don’t help her or have to block her out my life for my own sanity and relationship? I don’t want to be responsible if anything bad happened
I have experience with having toxic parents. What it sounds like to me is that she’s got you emotionally imprisoned, which is common for addicts. They prey on your love for them. However, you aren’t responsible for her. You don’t owe her anything. That’s a really, really difficult pill to swallow when you’re so convinced that you are responsible for their every emotion. But, you can only control yourself. Likewise, as much as she wants to shirk her responsibility to everyone else…have an external locus of control… she’s responsible for herself.
My dad took his life. I told him I wanted him and not his life insurance money weeks before he took his life. The last conversation I had with him was an argument. He had already planned when and how he was going to do it. I am not responsible for what he did.
I recommend finding a therapist who will help you deconstruct all the toxic lies she’s planted into your heart and head. Then, one day, you won’t feel bad for breaking free. Self care isn’t selfish.
I didn’t talk to my mom for years. Moved across the country! But, after defending my boundaries she knows that if they aren’t respected, I will do it again.
I’m scared if I don’t help her financially something bad will happen to her.. but then is propping her up and financially supporting her the answer? Because she isn’t stopping drinking she’s slowly killing herself etc and clearly the softy softy approach doesn’t work so maybe tough love is the last resort? When I get home, get a new SIM card etc and block her out my life for awhile?
Apparently tough love works for a large portion of people when I rang the family alcohol support line
This is the same woman who has had you FALSELY arrested… and not just one time!
She clearly has NO PROBLEM tossing you to the wolves if that benefits her slightly.
Stop enabling her.
You are already a good son. You don’t have to keep proving it to everyone. You’re certainly not going to hear her say so…and no matter how many times you save her will be enough.
If you are able to, safe, and have the resources — leave and don’t look back.
She needs to sleep in the bed she makes. Come what may.
If she goes to jail, gets jumped, or takes her life… none of these things are your fault!
Trust me, you’ll have a lot of deep emotional reactions. But she’s not safe or healthy. This has clearly been going on for quite some time.
True love is willing the good of the other for the sake of the other.
Enabling is a false love.
Putting your foot down and saying no more is the purest, albeit a very difficult, form of love.
When I stopped enabling my dad’s alcoholism, he literally replaced all of my photos with one of my sisters friends. Literally took my photo out of the frame, put the new picture in, and then put mine back before closing the back.
Addicts are petty.
It took a really, really long time to trust that it wasn’t personal.
Addicts really hate hearing no.
I just loved my dad enough to not participate in his addiction. And, now that he’s passed, I don’t have any guilt in contributing to his addiction. Because he got wildly out of control. I was the asshole in the family. But I stuck to my values. I loved him enough to want his sobriety. At his funeral, his enablers kept saying “if only we knew”. Ha!
Love yourself first. Say no to her later. Love yourself first, however that may look.
I understand what you are saying and so many other people have said the same thing to me down the years
My Nan psssed away last year and she use to say to stop coming over and forgiving my mum so easy when she lets me down drinking and causing drama and chaos (which is what she does when she’s drinking she got me arrested twice, got my bank account blocked etc so much and so much police and ambulances called)
I hope I can find the strength to do what you have done with your mum.. I’m autistic and my mum is really the only family member I’ve got now my Nan passed away last year.. I don’t speak to my dad so it’s hard to block my mum out my life because I worry if I do she will die.. but I know I can’t be half in and half out because she will eventually ask me for money etc and I’m not strong enough to say no when she plays on my hard strings it’s for food etc so the tough love approach I would need to block her out my life and make it clear when she stops drinking and gambling I’m happy to have contact again.. because it’s too stressful and toxic for me I need to focus on my own life
If others are saying the same thing, and yet you’re still questioning what to do: what else do you want to hear?
My entire side of my dad’s family disowned my siblings and me after he died. They said “now there’s no reason to pretend to love you”. I grieved that harder than my dad’s passing.
I never talked to my mom’s side.
And I had a really dysfunctional relationship with my siblings for a long time.
For many, many years it was just me. It was lonely. However, God brought people into my life for many beautiful reasons. I was eventually “adopted” into a family as a grown ass man. And they taught me how family’s should behave and treat each other. I’m very grateful for the time I had with them.
I know it’s scary. When you’re able to do so safely, love yourself enough to find peace and confidence.
Thank you very much I guess I’m looking for confirmation to give me strength to do it that I’m not a horrible person for cutting my alcohol mum Off etc
Walking away, putting up a thick wall in order to protect yourself so you can heal from all the trauma she’s poured on you is the healthy thing to do.
It doesn’t mean you have stopped loving her, it doesn’t mean you don’t worry about her…
It means you’re beginning to see that you’re worthy of more; of a life filled with support, healing, and empathy.
It means you’re giving yourself the time and space to learn how to love her on your terms without worrying about going to jail or having blood on your hands!
You’re worth it. I promise.
And she’s worth it too. Because she’s your Mama. Of course you want to help her. Help you first though.
confirmation to give me strength to do it that I’m not a horrible person for cutting my alcohol mum Off
I think you might find that sort of confirmation in Al-Anon. While I have no direct personal experience with Al-Anon, I understand that their program is made to help you recover from your loved one’s alcoholism.
You are not responsible for other people. Fullstop.
Let her go and focus on yourself.
It’s not in your control what she does. This emotional blackmailing will not stop. Stay away and cut her off.
I repeat what I already said multiple times
You have to work on your own emotions, we need help to overcome unhealthy patterns like feeling guilty when we don’t do like others want. NO is a complete sentence. Also directed to our own feelings. Put your own sanity & health first. That’s love. Enabling is not.
You’ve already got some great advice and feedback, so I’ll try not to repeat anything. My mother was constantly trying to kill herself when I was growing up. She was in and out of the mental ward for it. So… I know how stressful this kind of thing can be even if the situations aren’t the same, but it is important to know that you are not responsible for her actions. I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost 2 years, not because I don’t care, but because I had felt like I’d tried everything, and now I needed to protect myself, and this was the only way left.
I think it is natural to want the love of a parent, to protect them, to have them there; but sometimes absence is the healthier option. Sometimes we never really can get what we need from a parent.
Your mom has learned that she can get what she wants by threatening self harm. The next time she says shes feeling suicidal, perhaps suggest she check herself into the mental ward at the hospital (which she will likely refuse). Don’t offer to pay her bills. Address the manipulation head on. Its possible she’ll get angey because that isn’t the response she wants, but by addressing it in that way, you are still showing care for the suicide threat, but you are not allowing the manipulation to take root. Any attempts she might make on herself would not be your fault. Her actions belong to her, not to you. You are not responsible for someone’s actions because you said no to them trying to manipulate you.
I wish you the best. This is very tough. Blocking her might end up being your best option, but I don’t know the ins and outs of what is happening in your life. Only you can really know, but it is important that whatever you do, you are taking care of yourself. You can’t help anyone if you’re not in a good place.
do it again. 
I guess I’m looking for confirmation to give me strength to do it that I’m not a horrible person for cutting my alcohol mum Off etc
ARE