I’m 112 days sober today!
But being back in this environment is dragging me down. I can’t much leave, because as some of you know I’m facing a long prison sentence. My sentencing should be in a few months. I’m being charged with alcohol related vehicular homicide.
Before my stay in inpatient I had such a hard time talking about what happened and trying to forgive myself. I made some great strides while I was there, surrounded by community who understood, who didn’t blame me, who empathized.
But being back here just reminds me of what I did and the death of my friend that I was fucking responsible for. I can’t even drive down the road that it happened on. I can’t go half of the places that used to be my happy place because on our last day together we were there.
I am mentally ill. I am diagnosed with BP1, BPD, clinical and chronic depression, anxiety, CPTSD, a subset of OCD. I know a lot of those diagnoses go hand in hand with substance abuse and for a long time I used them as an excuse for my addiction; a crutch really.
I’m taking my medication which I was off while using, which led me to make the impulsive choice that led up to the accident that day. I know I can never go back there. I know that if I get drunk again I will very likely kill myself. I’ve been hospitalized for multiple attempts that all occurred while I was heavily drinking. I don’t want to necessarily die, but I want to see my friend again and tell him that I’m so fucking sorry. I hate thinking about it. I hate the flashbacks. I hate crying. I had been about 90 days off the self harm since the accident but I slipped last night. I’m worried about the cascade effect of that, because I feel magnified guilt and shame which magnifies the urge to use immensely.
I’m a teeter totter every day, but I’m feeling particularly useless since leaving treatment. I’ve accepted that I have to go to prison for these mistakes, but I’m scared and I don’t want to go. This is my first foray into sobriety, ever, and my very first go with any legal trouble whatsoever. I do not have a record of any kind until now, and this ones a real doozy.
On top of that I’ve developed pretty deep feelings for someone I met in rehab, and I know that’s not the healthiest situation to be in either. (Especially with somebody with a family).
I guess I’m writing this to you all because some days I really just want to give up, even though I have made monumental strides and I’ve come such a long way, and I know i can make something beneficial come from such a tragedy. I can change the fucking world and I KNOW that. I am wildly intelligent, capable and resilient. I was running from that for years in my active addiction. It’s burdensome to have expectations of you to do something great, especially after such a mountainous fucking mistake.
Today I just want to roll over and let the suffering consume me again. Misery is comfortable and familiar and I know it would be easy to crawl back into the hole I’ve spent so many years wallowing in.
I’m fucking sad, you guys. To put it simply. I feel alone and monsterous in my thoughts and day to day life.
I’m doing all the right things and I am killing it. Sobriety, meds, therapy, meetings, IOP; all of it. I’m doing it.
But I want to slip back into what I know some days. And that makes me feel guilty.
I’m not going to pick up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
Thank you for hearing me. I just needed somewhere to put this.
Thank you. I’m working on the blaming myself part. Some days are better than others, and this is not one of the better days. Appreciate your checking in.
When I miss my friends that have passed I lay out flat on my back usually grass, usually some kind of beautiful tree nearby and I dont try and talk to them I just try and feel them and remember their energy. It is really hard the fresher it is. Usually for the first year or so I just end up crying but I never regret it. And over time I get good at just laying and remember how it was to hug them or experience their laugh or their smile or their voice or smell. How hard they used to rip at snowboarding. How good they were at music. Whatever it is. Take your time and do what feels right. Sadness is natural but every once and a while overwhelming comfort appreciation and familiarity is ok too 
Take care of yourself and be well. It’s so much better than the alternative.
I try that and I just wind up hating myself even more. I tried to do that in inpatient and I just felt lost and disconnected, frustrated with myself for not being able to let go of the flashbacks and find a peaceful memory that didn’t involve a scene of blood and smoke.
I don’t let myself go there because when I do I start slipping. I don’t know how to process this. Even the self harming doesn’t do it for me anymore because it just doesn’t measure up to the hurt I feel internally. I know picking up won’t be worth it and I know I need to navigate my feelings, but the easy route would be to drown them.
I have a bunch and I’m trying but there’s a major blockage somewhere. I get stuck.
A good massage session from someone you trust is always a solid recommendation
Dam you have all that and you are staying sober more power to you. Some people are good and healthy and they can’t do it, keep it going.
It’s really. Fucking. Hard.
But me in active addiction does shit like hurt people I love, and I can’t be that person anymore.
Thank you
Here…
a little hug for you.
I am glad you vented here. You are doing all the right things and feeling all those feelings and staying sober and clean…that is some incredible strength and work and resilience. 
It is okay to have really dark shitty days.It is okay to feel all that emotion.
Please continue to take care of yourself and work towards healing…it does take time. We can still love the sick, tired, down, flawed human we are. None of us, not a one, is perfect or has not made grievious mistakes. Love yourself thru it. You certainly are a strong and inspiring person.
I don’t know what to say and I’m not easily lost for words. I feel your pain, but at the same time I can’t understand exactly what you’re going through. But I feel it. You can’t remove the loss, but you can make it mean something. You may not see it now, but your story is powerful and further down the road it will be more powerful. You share in a way, that I’ve only seen from a few others. That’s important. That helps people. Say the course. Prison or no prison, you’ll be better off. I’m facing some time too.
Side Bar: Don’t pursue the treatment relationship. I’ve been there and thought it was “special”. The truth is… we probably can’t be a great partner at this point.
Keep sharing.
@SassyRocks @anon28001181
Thank you both so much. Your kind words truly do mean a lot to me and keep me motivated to maintain a forward momentum, in spite of everything weighing me down. A plus side, I suppose, is that I’m wildly stubborn. That helps keep me sober in the way that I REFUSE to start using again because I need to prove people wrong about their perceptions of me. A lot of people just see my mistakes and don’t see who I am and who I’m trying to be. It makes me feel a lot better that people who don’t even know me can acknowledge that I’m not the worst person in the world.
Thank you.
Stubbornness is good and bad. As long as it’s serving a healthy purpose, ride with it. Try to do this for yourself though, not just to prove people wrong. Do it for you and then it’ll be helpful for others. Share it with others. I’m seriously rooting for you.
Definitely not the worst person in the world. You care. You just messed up. We all have, to some extent. I think you’ll find the most caring and sensitive people ever here. Our actions may not have always displayed our true intentions. We take responsibility for that, but then we try to live by our true intentions. Just because you fucked up, it doesn’t make you a fuck up.
Careful with the words maybe? Geezus
You are I have similar diagnosis and behavior patterns.
Please keep going. 
Just to post this shows how much you want sobriety. I want it so bad too. I’m doing okay. I hope you are.
Feel free to msg and check
Oh wow Knives, that is some really heavy shit. I can’t speak to the experience but I admire the clarity and awareness you’re bringing to the situation.
Losing people we care about is so hard. I and others I know have found this helpful, so sharing in case it helps you too:
I really don’t have good words, that is all so intense and terrible. U are a strong person to bear it, but bear it u must, as going back into using will not bring ur friend back or improve ur own life, and whatever mistakes u make u deserve to live ur own life, as happily as u can. Strength and peace.