Hello everyone! It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. I’ve actually only written here a few times and would check in every now and then. I’m starting to realize I need to work on that. I’m almost 6 months sober. It’s definitely been a huge accomplishment BUT I’m having a hard time being proud of myself. It’s like…once I start to think of how proud I am and happy, my brain is like “yeah but remember when you did this thing back then?”. So I start to think about my past mistakes and wrong doings and begin to feel upset with myself. I haven’t worked in almost a year because of COVID, so I’ve had A LOT of time to myself. To THINK. And tbh I don’t like it. I have been hitting the gym a lot. Eating healthier. Playing the guitar again. I just started writing in my journal. And I know I also need to work on my meditation and relationship with God. I literally have nothing to complain about, sure there are a few things here and there I wish would be different but nothing to relapse for, I trust it’s all in Gods favor. And I am GRATEFUL for all the things and people in my life, BUT it’s been so hard to be happy and at peace when my mind won’t STFU. Once I feel my mind start to rush and chatter I start to feel depressed and lazy. I’m hoping to get this other job soon which I know will help get my mind off of things. I’ve never had a strong relation with my mind. Or maybe my ego if that’s what it is. I can feel my authentic self being like “let’s have some fun, let’s draw or take a walk, how about we play some music or just sing out loud?” …then my mind or ego is like, “yeah but what if this what if that. Remember when this happened? Remember when you did this terrible thing?” The worse part is when it starts thinking, “remember how happy you felt when we had that drink?” Remember how ‘clear minded’ you felt when you drank? What if this time just one drink?” I literally say out loud STFU!!! Its been a constant battle. Atleast this time during my recovery I have been open about my addiction and disease to my family and friends while support me 100%. I have a sponsor and also attend meetings. But when it’s just me and my mind, I don’t like it. I know I’m writing too much here. Honestly I’m just writing to get this off my mind. It’s a small relief. I’m not going to drink. I won’t. It just sucks that the obsession is still there sometimes. I know I have a lot of work to do. The same work I put into hiding my drinking and using, is the same commitment I need to put on my recovery. If you’re reading this far in, thank you for your time. I will check in more often here since I’m on my phone a lot anyway. It’s time for me to be more PRESENT in the moment and enjoy the process. Time to put in the WORK. Idk who you are, but I love you. I hope you’re having or had a wonderful day! Thanks again for reading!
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Write away if it makes u feel better. Things from the past do rear their ugly heads unfortunately. And addict logic likes to play tricks. Around milestones u think about ur journey and that brings stuff up.