Ha! I am seeing that I already congratulated you on 3. Second gif still stands. Keep being awesome.
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TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault, domestic violence, suicide, and im sure theres more
Posting an update on my journey. I have yet to be a speaker at a speaker meeting. I love speaker meetings. So what would i touch on in my speech?
*my childhood
*college years
*first dui
*progression of the disease over 20 years
*rock bottom
*my journey to sobriety
*how i stay sober
My childhood: a family of overachievers, i never felt good enough always comparing myself with older brother and sister. Feelings werent discussed. Achievements were met with attention and praise so that started my desire for perfection.
Never felt like i fit in and struggled in my youth making friends, keeping them, and trusting
Treated for depression early on, i took my parents fighting over my fathers gambling and alcohol abuse personally but really struggled when i found my dad cheated on my mom and i was the one who discovered it and told her. We talked about it in therapy but rarely there after and the other kids didnt know. I felt isolated in my anger.
I was first introduced to nicotine around 13. It was cool and rebellious stealing buts from the ashtrays smh (yuck!) then it was weed and alcohol around 14. I would steal whole handles of vodka(skyy) from my alcoholic fathers stash WEEKLY. Im surprised he never noticed. I would steal cash from folks hiding spots to fund cigs, drugs, alcohol. Every weekend i would go over to my bestfriends and party. Her mom allowed it. I overdid it often. I vividly remember drinking a pint of everclear boasting im hardcore then my friend struggled to keep me awake as my breathing was labored and i was in and out of consciousness. Oh but that was fun.
I hung out with 20somethings partying in my early teens. I felt like i was taken seriously but i was permiscuous and annoying just looking to be seen and treated like an adult. I always called myself an old soul as i felt i was wise and tortured beyond my years.
Best friends favorite cousin raped me while i was asleep (in the same bed as my friend). in and out of rem sleep, i woke up to my pants button being riped off, then frozen in fear, confused, until i got the gall to run to the bathroom and lock the door. That spawned 2 years of serious ptsd and the most unhealthy relationship ive ever had.
I was dating a mid-20something around 17-19. He was my hookup for alcohol, parties, and attention. I went to college out of town but cameback weekly to party. Boy was that toxic. His physical abuse climaxed with a drunken rage…not sure what set him off but he punched me multiple times, kicked me while i was down, kicked me in my head while i was curled in a ball, then begged me not to call the cops while i crawled to my phone in fear for my life after it stopped which seemed like a lifetime. Dude i was so blinded that i talked to the attorney asking not to press charges bc i loved the man. I remember He then almost ran me off the road when i was not talking to him, racing to my parents to save me. Wow that was traumatic.
Then there are the college years…ill share more later as this post already seems long. In retrospect i see a series of bad choices fueled by addiction and mental illness. This would come to a head in college
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Much love my friend 
So grateful that you are working this journey and finding yourself in this life. Making healthy choices and living the life you were meant to live. 
You have a lot to offer and share. Whenever you are ready you will be host an excellent speaker meeting.
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Sending many gentle hugs to you. So much of your story resonates with me. Glad you are healing your self one day at a time.
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College years trigger warning: suicide attempts
Ex boyfriend/toxic overlapped with college. After the domestic violence insident i went back to my college town, wore glasses in classes to avoid questions, tried to come up with a story to tell my folks as they were visiting that weekend. I seriously told them i got hit in the face with a football but broke down sobbing before i could finish my lies. My life was unmanageable.
I was drinking maybe 4 nights a week. Felt cool smoking outside the dorm, with a screwdriver and my sodoku… a tortured soul. I told everyone i was an old soul. I still feel like im wise beyond my years but back then it was because ive been thru some shit. All the while i was driving 45min one way to get emdr therapy for the rape ptsd and trying so hard not to give into thoughts to drive off the interstate or into traffic. I was feeling hopeless and i coped with drugs and drink and partying. It was fun. I felt like a rebel.
I was getting Cs in my accounting class and couldnt understand why i couldnt concentrate. The partying, the trauma, the lack of sleep and mental illness caught up to me. In my sophomore year of college i attempted suicide for the 1st time while my roomate was away but just became violently ill. When roommate returned i had to explain the vomit all over the shared bathroom. She convinced me to go to the hospital. I was committed to the psych floor because i was an imminent threat to my life.
Dont remember much from this stay. I know i was on my folks insurance and they didnt know i was admitted until idk someone reached out to my mom for authorization. I was old enough they wouldnt share my details with her but she footed the bill. They would eventually have to take out a loan on their house to pay for this and i still feel guilt for that. I continued the antidepressants, was failing my classes, and my mom convinced me to take a semester off. I was broken but i had to succeed. After all, i came from a family of successful driven individual, i must carry on bc thats what we do.
Returned to my hometown, got a job, and was trying to get my bearings in therapy after my second serious suicide attempt. A reststop worker found me unconscious on the floor. He shook me awake, i thought he was an angel in my state, and confessed what i had taken. I took a very expensive ambulance to the hospital. I was screaming and resistant when i arrived in the er…i didnt want to be saved. I was upset my plan didnt work. Existance was exhausting Felt like i was trying to explain this big gapping hole in my soul and a helplessness and no fucks given spot my mind and body and soul was in. Dad had convinced the doctors after i was discharged from the icu that i could be transferred to the psychward in my home town. I loved being in the psychward i was the least crazy one there*. I didnt have the stresses to perform. I was raw from my attempt and failure. I got honest. There i met an amazing, compassionate doctor who diagnosed me with bipolar type 2…the depressive type with hypomania. The antidepressants and trauma were working against me the whole time. The damn broke. I had an explanation. We went thru multiple meds to see what would help and after what felt like forever i found a new stable. I Improved over the spring and summer and returned to school
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So very grateful those attempts failed. I can’t imagine my life without your spirit. You are a wonderful woman and I’m so grateful that you were finally diagnosed so that you could get the meds to help you live a more balanced and happy life. Grateful that you are in recovery and living your best life.
Much love CJ! Sending hugs and love your way as you heal from your past wounds
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Much love sober sister @JazzyS
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Coffee after 6pm, added stress at work and home, and mental illness = working at 1am creating my first excel macro in years
Mania?!
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Continuing my story - 1st and only DUI
I drove drunk for many years since probably 16 but i didnt get caught and charged until i was 25.
I had graduated college with honors, quit my firat big kid job, was going to move for a better big kid job, had just passed the 4 CPA exams. Hard work was paying off.
There was forshadowing in retrospect that friday night. As me and my now husband but then ex boyfriend were driving to the bars i said “ok you have to drive tonight. I cant risk losing my cpa license.” Lots of booze and shots later. Me making out with a stranger. Drama. More shots. Impatience. Ex boyfriend had gotten too drunk to drive and in my drunk state i didnt want to leave my car so i drove. I got turned around on a downtown one way street…why do downtowns have so many one ways.??.. I caught myself and was correcting the car in a parking lot when the cops roll up on me. Cherries flashing. Lights in the rearview blinding. My heart sinks. Hubby aka ex bf at the time was so drunk he offered to switch me seats as my car is flooded with police lights, im on camera, and they’re running my plates. Idiot. I wouldnt be in this situation if he hadnt gotten too drunk. (No ownership)
“Ok cjp, straighten up. Maybe you can pass the field sobriety test. Youre not even that bad”…increased tolerance and reasoning of a progressive alcoholic
Flunked the field sobriety test. Declined a breathalyzer which was an auto 1yr license suspension but fuck them they werent going to get more proof. In retrospect idk if i would have given a breathalizer bc i knew i had drank copious amounts. I was being handcuffed,put in the back of the patrol car, and taken to jail. The reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe this was my rock bottom. Oh the shame, regret, self loathing, fear…
Felt my freedoms stripped from me as they had to strip me, take my mugshot, take my fingerprints, forcefully remove my piercings…bullshit. I wailed for hours in my cell. Other inmates and guards begged me to shut up but my life, my bright future, all those years of schooling, all those hours of studying, my future was over. I got caught.
That night was a longgggg night of racing thoughts. I was put into a single cell but got a roomate after a few hours. I prayed to god to help me get to the otherside…had no relationship with god but desperate times ya know… I made empty promises that i wouldnt touch another drop…Id start living with better values…no promiscuity and cheating…
Somehow i got released on a saturday. Im still not sure how that happened. Debated hitting the tequila testing we had arranged the previous week. INSANITY. Found a good and expensive lawyer. 2 court appearances and A year of probation later i was nearly $10k out of pocket for lawyer, court fees, mandatory classes, increased insurance..etc
Needless to say that was not my rock bottom. My addiction got a little better for a little while before sneaking up on me months later. I continued to drink and not acknowledge an issue for 9 more years. I knew i had a problem but didnt want to acknowledge it bc then i would have to do something about it
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Sorry about the mania friend. Calmness and easy going energy being sent your way
Thanks for sharing more of the cjp story. Crazy how we convince ourselves to go back to the addiction that keep taking from us. Grateful that you did finally find sobriety and are working so darn hard to keep stacking up the days. Be proud of yourself and all that you have achieved 
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Thank you my friend
One day at a time it is possible
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So very greatful to be free from the endless cycle of addiction. Im celebrating my 2nd year at my boozy family reunion sober and free. Plenty of sparkling water and coffee. Plenty of laughter and love
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congrats and happy to have you in this community. Reassuring 
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Another successful sober boozy family reunion in the books. So greatful i didnt have 1 hangover. Got 2 early morning runs in. Not the greatest sleep but id be worse off if i was drinking or smoking. Quit vaping after this trip nearly 2 years ago. I think 2 more days. Crazy i was more triggered about the cigar smoking and nicotine pouches than i was by the booze. One of my fav cousins asked why i wasnt around him much and i sharwd its hard to just be around his drinking. Walked away with water in my eyes and he had turned around to talk about a breakfast beer with my brother…who is flirting with unhealthy drinking habits. Thats ok i can hang with other cuzins who arent as boozy.
Its funny the things people forgot they said the night before. One cousin passed out on the ground and my cna nurse and i had to pick him off the ground by his pants and lay him on the deck until we could get 5 people to walk him to his tent bc he needs his cpap machine. So very greatful im not sloppy.
If the noise and confrontation got to me i just went for a walk to look at the stars. Saw like 14 shooting stars over 3 nights. Stayed up late one night. Got lots of steps in. Hit up one AA meeting in town. Grew closer to my sister and nieces. Had quality time with my mom and dad. So greatful they are healthy and happy today.
So greatful this road trip is going somewhat smoothly besides a seatbelt citation.
So very blessed
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Good morning sober warriors,
I just ran my 5th race in a series this year. 4 10ks and 1 12k. It was rough this morning. I just wanted to sleep in. My mind was fighting me during the race. But i played the tape forward. I came this far this year im not going to fizzle out. Its amazing what i can do when i set my mind to it.
Seems like the other day i laid down the weed and booze, started to lose weight, did some 5ks, and dubbed this the year of the 10k. Smh running is such a mental game. Im still undecided on if i like running. I like eatting and running burns calories lol i like feeling accomplished. I like clearing the cobwebs from my brain before i start the day. I feel so accomplished and its 10am.
Sobriety was just the start. Listening to the suggestions in the rooms of aa, getting a sponsor, being open honest and willing, and going thru the 12 steps has been a game changer. Any day im sober im winning. Getting into recovery and staying in recovery proves to myself that im worth it, that i can do hard things.
Its unfortunate i didnt truly start living until my 30s but i wouldnt change a thing because everything happens for a reason and i needed all those hard lessons to appreciate my growth.
So very blessed
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Running and other training was and remains super important to my sobriety. At 3 years sober, I used meds and the 12 steps of AA to get off a 30 year addiction to cigarettes. I proceeded to eat my way through the next 9 months or so. When I hit a weight even I couldn’t justify, I went to the gym for the first time. At around 5 years sober, I did my first 5k - and what a big deal that was! I trained for months to get there. I got hooked on that training and the feeling of race day. I ran more and more races for a couple years, then switched up to 10k and some odd distances, 4 or 5 milers. After a year of that, I started triathlon training. My first year, I did one sprint. The next year, I got a coach and did two sprints. Then two sprints and an Olympic, then two Olympics and a sprint. Then injury caught up with me, and I took two years off. This year was my first year back, I trained about 10 weeks for a sprint and got my first ever DNF (did not finish) - too much adrenaline at the start messed me up in the water and I had to pull out. But I learned from that, and next year will train for two sprints.
My point is that after swimming competitively in elementary school, I did no organized sport other than beer-drinking disguised as softball my whole adult life. Sobriety taught me that I can tolerate much more discomfort than I think I can, and that I can focus on long term results rather than instant gratification.
@Runningfree will agree with me and from your post, you do also, that running, no matter the speed, the competition, or the environment, puts us in immediate and forceful contact with the present moment. And that is the best way to live sober, in my humble opinion!
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A huge congrats girl! Way to get out of bed and hit the pavement. You have made some impressive changes in your sobriety and you are doing the hard shit! All your efforts are shining through and you should be super proud of yourself
@SinceIAwoke loved your response and wow! Some impressive work my friend.
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Wow thats an impressive evolution @SinceIAwoke im good with 10ks for now. Im already looking for the next race lol
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