I’m only two and a half weeks sober but have been in the program before and was sober for 9 months. Have a little bit of knowledge and I listen to people and try to give the best advice I can.
So this is what I’m dealing with at the moment and don’t know how to handle it. Or if I should be doing this at all.
I met this person a few days ago that is having trouble staying sober, 1 day here, 3 days there. So I gave him my number and took his. So I texted him the next day asking how he was. And he was honest and said in a bad place. I told him where I would be and we can talk if he wants. Talked for a bit then hit a meeting together. Has been calling everyday a couple times. Which I don’t have a problem with. My only thing is every call gets a little worse. Starts with how he’s feeling and by the 3rd or 4th call he is saying that he doesn’t want to stay sober and that it just seems like the right thing to do. So I try to talk him through it and what has helped me.
He called tonight and I ask how he is and he said not good and he got high earlier. I talk with him and say I can’t really do anything now that he smoked and have to start over on day one. Tell him why I got sober again, what keeps me going, and what I need to do daily to stay sober. But it goes back to that he likes sitting in this pain and that’s all he can focus on. I kinda don’t know what else to say after I keep hearing that over and over.
I don’t know if I should keep answering and trying to help him or of its a waste of time. I don’t want to get trapped into something toxic if I keep talking to him though. And I don’t want to just blow the guy off and say I can’t do anything for him. I don’t know what to do or if I’m even helping.
I’ve never did a program of any sort, so I might not be the best person to offer advice. I don’t know how well your connected in the program, but he needs are greater than your ability. I would ask another person in your program that has experience.
This guy sounds like he’s looking for attention, and most addicts do this to try and justify their actions. Of course, I’m saying that because that’s what I’ve done, when I wanted to be sober but wasn’t willing to commit to being sober. I don’t know this guy and I’m making a lot of presumptions.
I do think he needs either professional help, or someone with more experience. I would drink, but I would always back away from the ledge once I got there. This guys seems like he’s hanging on to the edge with a few fingers. You at the very least need to try to direct him towards help.
That’s just my opinion, it’s hard to evaluate a situation on the outside looking in.
@Shattered_dreams yea I was thinking the same thing about someone with more experience. And I didn’t really notice the justifying thing but now that you say it I’m remembering what I did to justify my ways. I will try to point him in the right direction tomorrow.
Good luck, I’m sure someone with more experience with situations like this will chime in.
When I mentioned justification, I wasn’t trying to be insensitive or heartless. Addicts have a tendency justify in their own mind a reason to use. If he’s calling you and using, in my mind its a search for justification. That’s what I did, so I’m bias. Woe was me, the only way I could be happy was to use. I would call and tell people why I was about to use, assuming I wasn’t already using.
I think your own the right track to find someone with more experience. It’s hard to be a sponsor as your slaying your own demons.
Thank you and you’re definitely right. And I totally knew what you meant by justifying our using. Did it the time also. Im only drinking because x,y, and z. And “you would to if you had to go thru this” or " you wouldn’t understand" etc. Countless reason to drink but never had a good enough one to stop.
Thank you @Oliverjava. Im on my way to the Anona club now. I will talk about it with him when I see him today. And try to point him in the right direction.
Be careful… I understand wanting to help people but being so newly sober it could be a set up for you babe… focus on you and refer them to someone who has more time under their belt with sobriety… don’t take on too much cause that stress could mess up your own sobriety… best wishes and lots of prayers for strength!!!
And I never did a program either… just divine intervention from God… but programs do work for people… I just had to cut ties with everyone in my life during that dark time of addiction and finally now 12 years later God has brought them back around to say what I need to but most of the people from my past are doing the same thing all these years later but I’ve been able to show them that life doesn’t have to stay the same and that we don’t have to stay stuck in that place.
I don’t know how religious everyone here is, but my response would be to end every phone call with this buddy with a prayer. Then we get the focus off of us and onto God. And it’s surprisingly effective. It either puts the caller in a better mood or he stops calling because he doesn’t feel like praying:smile:
Either way, I like to end each outreach call with a prayer every time. Sometimes it can be a blessing that someone wants to call. For me, getting a good phone buddy that wants to answer his phone when I reach out can be difficult to find.
Just got off the phone with , he said he was on his way to go get high. I told him he already made up his mind about getting high and that if he wants anymore help he needs to call someone with more time and to work a program. I can’t keep answering if he is gonna keep getting high because it will eventually effect me.
You made the right decision @Enaps. He’s not ready and he would pull you down.
Hi @Enaps. I have a pretty strong opinion on this. I’m not a big believer of one-to-one support unless that person is a trained sponsor, or a professional counselor/dr. Else the person trying to help can easily get pulled down into a codependent relationship, or worse, failing themselves. That is the power of mutual support fellowships like AA or this forum. Someone needing help can get the support of many people and various opinions, without a dependency on any single one of them. And if it becomes too much for a helper, they can step out of the ring for a while, or focus on someone else. It’s kind of like crowd-sourcing ideas and support, without creating unhealthy dependency.
You did the right thing @Enaps!
Im glad I did. I haven’t gotten any calls in a couple days from him. I thought I would feel bad for the guy but that only lasted a couple hours. Thank you everyone for the advice.