My husband is in Toronto for business and he relapsed hard last night. I was so worried and furious, and up until 2am trying to figure out where the hell he was and make sure he got to his hotel.
It was a nightmare.
Iām still furious and disappointed with him, not just because he drank but also the position he put me in. On top of it all, he is in Toronto for training for his new position at work and his job supports our family. He got so drunk that he lost his suitcase, so he showed up to work looking like crap, hungover, and in yesterdayās clothes. I was already so worried about him going and he reassured me so many times that he was fine and he wouldnāt drink, while at the same time bringing cash with him so I wouldnāt find out.
I just donāt know what to do anymore. I know that I canāt control him and what he does. I have been focusing on my sobriety and I really donāt want to hit rock bottom before something changes. Iām worried thatās what it will take for him to actually stop and if he hits bottom our whole family does. We have two young kids who deserve better. The old me would have drank to get back at him but that doesnāt hurt anyone but myself and my kids, so I wonāt do that.
Iāll have one month sober in 12 hours and Iām proud of it! Not going to let my husbands mistakes ruin my sobriety like itās done so many times in the past!
Sorry for the rant. I just donāt have anyone else to talk to about this and Iām really hurting right now. Iām scared alcohol is going to ruin my family and our lives.
Iāve been going to meetings and I have a sponsor. He hasnāt and doesnāt think he needs to. His new position wasnāt much of an option for him, it was a lateral move at work and he needed to do it. I know itās stressing him out but alcohol is only going to make it worse. How do I get through to him? I canāt just sit back and watch the shit show unfold.
One thing we must acknowledge in our addictions is the selfishness of it all, if we are to really come to terms with it, and get sober. We always say āI need to get sober for meā, and that is quite true, but we also must realize that our addictions can and do negatively impact our loved ones. It is especially heartbreaking when those we harm are partially or fully dependent upon us for their livelihood.
Hurt, Angry, and Disappointed are very appropriate emotional reactions to this situation and by all accounts, you are working through this, and not running for the bottle. This is good. If he is in a nose-dive for the bottom of an empty pool, you need to remain sober, for your childrenās sake, even if heās not yet capable of doing the same.
I know you must feel powerless, and I am sure you have voiced your concerns to him before. All you can do is do it again, and make sure you are buckled in tight for the possible car wreck, if you arenāt willing to, or in a position to take steps to safeguard yourself, and your kids.
Very true words. I have āput the pants onā so to speak. I have been taking my own inventory and working towards a better future for myself and my kids, and I hope my husband is in that picture too. The reality is, if he loses his job, we lose our house. Plain and simple, his job pays for our house and bills and my job covers everything else. I simply donāt make enough money to support our family at the moment. Iāve been doing all I can to help him through this, while at the same time trying to recover too. The weight of it all is becoming too much and Iām not sure where to turn for help.
Thanks, I agree with you. Now isnāt the time for me to start spiralling. I was tempted last night because I was so angry but I managed to shift my attitude and did some gardening instead! Yay me 30 days sober today!
I agree. The old me always micromanaged everyone and everything. For so long I put everyone else first and I always came last, so the addiction took me. Not anymore. Iām really trying to be supportive and not control him. Iām holding onto the only thing I have control of and thatās my sobriety. Iāve given him my moral support, Iāve even kinda of forgiven him and I tried to help him find his bag. I told him Iād really appreciate if he went to a meeting tonight, so weāll see what happens.
There have been some really good suggestions thus far. And they are correct. Your husband is going to drink of he wants to. When you were out there drinking, was anyone telling you a damn thing? I know when I was out there, I was going to do what I wanted, no matter what anyone said. Itās out of your control at this point and always has been. You can express how you feel to him, hopefully when hes sober. But you have to take care of you and your sobriety. I once said to my ex, the things you do affect me also. He didnt seem To understand that or even try to understand it. Go figure. So if you feel like expressing how you feel, maybe wait until he gets home and is sober, so it face to face. Express that you were hurt and worried which resulted in coming out and anger Iām sure. But get down to the bottom of your feelings, fear, pain, etc.
So with that being said, @C-sun has a great point. You need to focus on your side of the street. You need to make a plan a,b,c, and d ya know. Just in case things dont work out. And Iām not saying theyāre not going to work. Iām just saying, have plans ready just in caseā¦ Relationships tend to be hard when you were in recovery together and one relapses. But you either accept that fact and pick him back up and move on. Or you hold on to his relapse and resent himā¦ So youāve got some big girl decisions to make. I wish you the best!
