Another fall

I made a small amount of progress recently. It feels like it all went away last night when I relapsed. I can see all the signs that a relapse is about to occur, but they all become crystal clear after the relapse occurs. I see all the signs I should have taken heed of on my way towards the relapse. Im trying to move to a new city and finding somewhere to live hasn’t been easy, Ive been really stressed trying to plan the move of my stuff and if that stuff will have somewhere to go. I also haven’t been sleeping very well recently. These things tear at my will power and my control. I have a little slip, then it keeps snow balling. Im going to try and focus on the good, the small things Ive learned about myself along the way. I just wish I was better able to see the signs better, and actually listen to them, in the moment. Baby steps I guess.

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Ive made it to the other side of this life changing move. I got a new job, moved across the country, and broke up with my girlfriend. But this addiction, predictably, followed me. I haven’t been sleeping well, early starts to the day, and incredibly noisey roommates. Im also fairly consistently stressed with all the new things flying around. Worst of all I haven’t created a healthy routine for myself. While Ive erected a variety of barriers for myself so that I can hopefully stop myself from viewing porn or videos/images that simply lead to it, last night I simply turned off these helpful tools. Im hoping my future self will continue this thread as a tool to keep my commitment to ridding myself of this compulsion. I’ve done a bad job of keeping myself accountable for my actions, and consciously taking the time to acknowledge my current state and how Im feeling. Without knowing my current state, especially tired, it’s very difficult to control the outcome of this process.