Time and time again I am reading one word over and over again… ‘anxiety’.
Anxiety has affected me ever since my early teenage years and I quickly identified that if I drank, the anxiety would go away. Only it didn’t.
Alcohol gave me a short respite, whilst the anxiety put it’s feet up and trebled in strength, only to come roaring back at the earliest opportunity with ten times the force.
So I had another genius idea, why not drink more often and then the anxiety wouldn’t have a chance to come back… after c. 30 years I can confirm that strategy didn’t work either.
Finally I sought counselling and realised that my anxiety was caused by low self esteem, but was being massively amplified (almost to the point of paralysis) by my alcohol and drug use.
I gave up alcohol and drugs before xmas 2019.
The days immediately proceeding this were hell on earth, my anxiety hit such massive levels I could barely converse for fear of vomiting. I prayed (although not religious), and was visiting TS on almost an hourly basis. I felt rough.
But over the last week or so, something amazing has happened, my anxiety has virtually disappeared. Yes, I will have an hour when I it hits me again and it feels shit, but in general I feel 99% better.
I am just over 3 weeks in, but if anything is keeping me sober it is the joy of my anxiety having virtually gone.
It is still early days. Yes I have cravings, yes I am grieving for elements of my old life, yes I still feel a bit broken. But anxious… No, I don’t feel anxious and that means everything in the world to me right now.