# Any help or tip for spouse reconciliation?
**URL:** https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224
**Category:** Advice & Questions
**Tags:** alcohol
**Created:** [September 19, 2023, 3:57pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224 "2023-09-19T15:57:22Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [September 22, 2023, 7:44pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/23 "2023-09-22T19:44:00Z")
Just had a session with my therapist. Exactly what we discussed about what relapse is.
Anyways, just taking the opportunity to check in for today. Hello.
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### Author:  [@Thirdmonkey](https://talkingsober.com/u/Thirdmonkey)
#### Post date: [September 22, 2023, 7:57pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/24 "2023-09-22T19:57:14Z")
Hello. Hows it going?
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [September 23, 2023, 12:17am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/25 "2023-09-23T00:17:54Z")
Tough. Not physically from the effects after the drinking (5 days have passed), but psychologically because this happened away from home and I’m with kids (mini-vacations) and we get back the day after tomorrow. So, once we arrive, maybe I’ll get kicked out, maybe not. We haven’t been speaking (not my choice and I respect it).
But, so far, not touched any alcohol whatsoever.
Tks for asking.
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### Author:  [@Amy30](https://talkingsober.com/u/Amy30)
#### Post date: [September 23, 2023, 9:03am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/26 "2023-09-23T09:03:07Z")
Like others have said… it will take time to rebuilt that trust. My husband is still learning to be around me without worrying I’ll go on a drinking frenzy whenever some life stress hits.
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [September 25, 2023, 2:18am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/27 "2023-09-25T02:18:30Z")
So, if anyone is following: didn’t get kicked out. But did get a FINAL last chance.
Day-by-day to never relapsing again.
Good night.
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### Author:  [@Yoda-Stevie](https://talkingsober.com/u/Yoda-Stevie)
#### Post date: [September 25, 2023, 3:18am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/28 "2023-09-25T03:18:03Z")
> [@f\_f](#):
>
> But how do I make sure, other than just take it day by day, that the final is the final?
This is easy math: say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink, 100% of the time. When you do, there’s never a second or third or eighth drink, and you win the fight, 100% of the time.
If you say “yes” to the drink that matters, you lose, 100% of the time. “It’s just one drink” is just like losing by one basket, touchdown, or run. It’s a loss. Worse is what else you just might lose: your wife, half your stuff, your peace, your pride, maybe even your freedom, or your life. That’s a pretty damn expensive first drink.
I’m finishing up my 6th year of sobriety. It definitely saved my marriage. She was close to walking, but I didn’t know just how close until after I had 6 months sober. She says that’s when she allowed herself to believe I’d quit for good.
I’ve stayed quit by saying “no” to one drink. The drink that matters. The first drink. 100% of the time. No hesitation. No regret. No romanticism. Just “no”.
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [September 25, 2023, 10:08pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/29 "2023-09-25T22:08:45Z")
Thanks for your quote. It’s my afternoon reminder.
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [September 30, 2023, 10:08am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/30 "2023-09-30T10:08:54Z")
Just checking in. 12 days, no drink. All meds in check. Daily reminders of what happened on the last relapse. No BS-ing my therapist, no BS-ing myself. Keeping an eye the addict mind doesn’t go there.
Making the habit changes.
If anyone reads this, have a good weekend.
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### Author:  [@happyfeet](https://talkingsober.com/u/happyfeet)
#### Post date: [September 30, 2023, 1:37pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/31 "2023-09-30T13:37:25Z")
Glad the hear you’re doing well and congratulations on your 12 days. That’s great!
How do you feel about it? Is there anything you do to make it stick this time? Meetings, program any other support?
Have a wonderful sober weekend too.
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [September 30, 2023, 10:39pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/32 "2023-09-30T22:39:44Z")
Hi! The plan is modified routines basically, and stronger therapy to attack the root/causes. Also, sticking to meds. I’m on Disulfiram (Antabuse is the brand name) which is a drug that makes your body react very badly to alcohol (even one sip will make you feel very sick) so it’s a deterrent. That’s why, for me, the important thing is to attack the root/cause with my therapist.
Tks for asking.
PS: also checking in more into this app.
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### Author:  [@happyfeet](https://talkingsober.com/u/happyfeet)
#### Post date: [October 1, 2023, 4:34am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/33 "2023-10-01T04:34:16Z")
I think it’s great you’re seeing a therapist to meet the roots of all evil and attack it.
There are a lot of threads here to help you maintain your sobriety. I don’t know how to copy the links though 🙈 but you can use the surch button at the top. You’ll find so much information and support.
Keep on the good fight! It’s so worth it!
Have a great sober Sunday. Here we go for another day. On day at a time!
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 1:10pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/34 "2023-10-22T13:10:48Z")
Hi there,
34 days and counting. However, relationship has definitely been hurt by the last relapse. Very distant and “luke warm”.
Is it OK for me to expect / count on some sort of compassion / sympathy / understanding?
Does anyone have their story to share?
Tks
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### Author:  [@WilliamBloke](https://talkingsober.com/u/WilliamBloke)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 1:50pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/35 "2023-10-22T13:50:41Z")
Been down this road myself. After a while my promises to stop drinking didn’t mean doo-doo anymore. First I talked to church Elders, but that wasn’t enough. Had to go the professional route and AA. Lorelai summed it up here best: your actions speak louder than words.
I wish you success. You can lick this! 💪
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### Author:  [@Dan531](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dan531)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 1:52pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/36 "2023-10-22T13:52:41Z")
> [@f\_f](#):
>
> Is it OK for me to expect / count on some sort of compassion / sympathy / understanding?
Nope… The shit we put our loved ones through in active addiction is horrible.
When I hit my 1 year sober date I debated even saying anything to my wife about it. Ultimately I decided to buy her a card and flowers on my 1 year soberversary to thank her for sticking by me. I wanted to thank her and my family so that’s what I did.
You’ll become less selfish in recovery.
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### Author:  [@free1](https://talkingsober.com/u/free1)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 1:57pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/37 "2023-10-22T13:57:50Z")
Wise advice:)
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 2:14pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/38 "2023-10-22T14:14:28Z")
> [@Dan531](#):
>
> Nope… The shit we put our loved ones through in active addiction is horrible.
Thanks for this.
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### Author:  [@f\_f](https://talkingsober.com/u/f_f)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 2:14pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/39 "2023-10-22T14:14:50Z")
> [@Dan531](#):
>
> You’ll become less selfish in recovery.
And also for this
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### Author:  [@Lisa07](https://talkingsober.com/u/Lisa07)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 2:31pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/40 "2023-10-22T14:31:13Z")
> [@f\_f](#):
>
> Is it OK for me to expect / count on some sort of compassion / sympathy / understanding?
You can’t expect anything at this point. 34 days is huge to the alcoholic but it’s a very short time for loved ones. Try and put yourself in their shoes. The years of hell cannot be repaired in days or even months. I previously posted my experience as the wife of an alcoholic and as I said it took a full year. Hopefully this won’t be the case for your relationship but be prepared. Time takes time.
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### Author:  [@HoofHearted](https://talkingsober.com/u/HoofHearted)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 2:34pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/41 "2023-10-22T14:34:04Z")
If you walk 100 miles into a forest, it will take 100 miles to walk out.
When I quit drinking, I was deep in the forest. It was a forest of lies, deceit, selfishness, anger, mistrust… not a good place at all.
I quit and I expected my wife to see I was out of that forest on day 1. She didn’t see it that way, because all of the things I said I’d never do, I kept doing, over and over again. She didn’t trust me and she didn’t believe me. Not on day 1, nor day 2… not even day 60. That’s when I relapsed.
Again, I did the things I said I’d never do. I was still deep in that forest.
I quit again. Only this time, I stopped throwing a pity party and I put in the work so I could finally leave the forest. It’s been 5 years since I quit and I’ve made significant strides, but I am not out yet.
Broken trust is hard to mend, because no matter how hard I work at it, it is not me who decides that it’s been mended and that is something I have to accept.
I hope oneday I will finally leave that forest, but until then, I continue to work at it.
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### Author:  [@MatJHud](https://talkingsober.com/u/MatJHud)
#### Post date: [October 22, 2023, 2:44pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/any-help-or-tip-for-spouse-reconciliation/171224/42 "2023-10-22T14:44:10Z")
Whats meant for us won’t pass us by…if you put your recovery first then in time whats meant to be will be. I tried to get sober just to keep my wife happy and i drank because i thought my wife wasnt happy enough. I stopped drinking many of times for other people, to save relationships and hope that other people might change if i stop. I never stayed stopped and it wasnt anyone else that needed to change…the reason was simply I wasnt able to accept that i was the problem.
Try finding and saving yourself before you try saving a marriage. Show yourself some compassion and unconditional love.
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