Anyone else wanna self destruct?

I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, but i want so badly to just self destruct. I want to cut, to burn, to starve, to drink, i think i just wanna feel something. I have felt so empty for so long and nothing i have done has filled that void for me.

A lot of people say i need religion, or a spiritual experience or something like that and the void will be full. Ive tried so many things, both healthy and not. Ive gone vegan, went to church for a bit, tried yoga and mindfulness, ive slept around, drank, smoked, all sorts of things. So what is so wrong with me that after all that i still feel so fucking hollow.

My psychology teacher last semester thought i had bpd. Im diagnosed with bipolar, but who fucking knows whats wrong. It took 2 suicide attempts to see a psychiatrist and my parents think im getting better but its as of theres an itch i cant scratch and its driving me crazy. Ive seen enough therapists, been to different groups, ive done all the things people have reccomended to me so why arent i better yet? I almost want to die just to get this over with. Im so sick of this shit

Im a great believe of aa … i been to doctors hospitals u name it i did it … but the moment i walked into aa something clicked in my head x

A lot of things take time to work. Spirituality takes time to cultivate and discover. Therapy takes time. Mindfulness takes time to improve at. The first meeting doesn’t keep you sober.

It took years of practicing CBT before it started to work well. It’s been years of therapy, and even though some sessions help me soon after, it’s the work in those sessions that I’ve done over time that has had the biggest effect. It takes months for the brain to get back to normal after a habit of drinking, and it can take years to correct the thoughts and patterns we sunk into when drinking.

Even if you manage to do all the exact right things, it takes time to heal. Sometimes it’s fast, but often it’s slow. Patience is incredibly hard when you’re suffering, but valuable. Keep finding healthy paths forward and it will pay off in its own time.

But most of all, the part about staying sober. It took a few months and some hindsight to see how much adjustment my brain had done to get used to being sober. In the moment it’s almost always felt like nothing was happening, but when I look back I see how far I’ve come. Believe me, I was an absolute mess six months ago, and I did NOT see how it was going to get better. But it did. It does get better.

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What you are describing sounds very common to me. I think all of us do what we do as a way to feel something…whether it is to feel pain because it’s better than feeling nothing…or maybe it is to feel power in our lives because we feel so powerless.

My thought is that perhaps you are searching for something when really all you need to do is to accept and love yourself.

I just thought of something. You say you feel a “void”. My kids learned in school to be a “bucket filler”. That meant when you did something nice for someone you filled their bucket a little bit. When you did something mean you were a bucket dipper. When your bucket is full you are happy. You can fill your own bucket too. So I say “fill your bucket”. Do or say something kind to yourself everyday and keep your bucket full. Maybe you won’t feel that void anymore.

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I feel this to my core. I’m an emotional wreck and it’s only gotten worse lately. I try to think positively and sometimes I succeed temporarily and then sometimes I just have suicidal thoughts. I know it’s because I am complacent and I don’t have a real schedule or a lot going on in my life but that will hopefully be changing very soon.
Definitely find a therapist and make regular appointments. It is important.
I also second working out. I love yoga and meditation but I have so much pent up energy inside me I need high energy intense training for me be satisfied. Lift weights! Test your limits: work those muscles so much you end up releasing endorphins and getting ripped! And you’ll definitely feel pain, but in a good way, so I think it would help you.

Ive had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember and as I got older I drank as a way to self destruct. Then came other self desttictive behaviours. I used to get in a lot of street fights at pub kicking out time. Id never want to hurt anyone other than myself.

It got particularly bad from 18 to around 25. I dont know it was because of a lot of change in my.life then or what but I just couldnt seem to grasp onto anything for long that meant anything worthwhile to me. I’d get the initial bit of excitement that came with starting something new and then that would quickly go and Id be back to the same old hollowness.

I used to be both terrified of death and convinced it was the only real chance of escape for me.

These feelings reached their high point in my.last year of college. That sucked so much. I couldnt leave my bed unless i was drunk.

It started to get better from around 27 onwards. I think my brain just got exhausted from being in a state of near constant panic over nothing so taught itself to slow down.

I also took a sharp inventory of my life then and cut out things that were hurting me (except, of course the booze because addiction can convince me of anything). I have not spoken to some family members in a very long time and cant imagine I ever will again.

I also met a great group of new friends that made me feel like I belonged for the first time in my life. I then met my partner. Religion was never for me

TLDR= I dont have any hard and fast pieces of advice but for me, I found that two things really helped
I got older so this gave me a little more perspective on my own life
And
I kept trying new things. Regardless of whether old things worked in filling that void.
Eventually something clicked.

I’d say if you are at the point of tackling addiction, you have probably self destructed enough.

Try to find a healthy, non-confrontational way of dealing with these emotions. I started by getting creative :slight_smile: There is never a guitar too far away.