Appalled... Was accused of breaking my sobriety

I am 19 days sober today… Haven’t had alcohol in 19 days. Last night during a disagreement with my boyfriend he accused me of drinking. His words “how much have u had to drink tonight?” I think that was more hurtful to me than being called a name. I’m so annoyed and frustrated, I’m tired of feeling like I’m being punished over and over for my past mistakes. How can I heal and recover if I get shit like that when I’m not drinking?

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It’s hard and I’m sorry someone doubted you. However, fundamental to an alcoholics existence is their ability to lie to others. It takes time to regain trust. We forget how much hurt we caused and expect people to believe us when we say we won’t drink or haven’t. You are doing great so don’t let this change that. Be grateful for your strength and let him have time to learn to trust you again - if he’s worth it you will allow him to express his hurt and pain too. You are doing amazing. Good luck.

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Unfortunately being an addict gives people a big red button to hit whenever they find you disagreeable.

The road to recovery is hard and everyone stumbles, and it’s made even more difficult when loved ones accuse you of succumbing to your addiction when you haven’t and are struggling through an uphill battle, and unfortunately in a heated argument even loved ones might say stupid or hurtful things. You are in charge of your sobriety, you know when you’ve been weak or strong and you know the singular truth of whether you’re sober or not. I’ve been in the same position as I’m sure many here have, you know your boyfriend is wrong, he can be wrong all day, but you can’t let it impact you or your commitment to stay clean.

Hopefully he’ll come around and apologize, but even if he doesn’t, you’re strong enough to endure one argument, you’re strong enough to endure a breakup, you’re strong enough to endure whatever life throws at you that hits that big red button trying to take you down a peg.

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@Asia91 completely nailed this. She is so right on target. I’m sure you love your boyfriend,but you have to love yourself more in this case so as not to give in. You are worth this, and he probably feels that way too. Sounds like he was upset,mabey hurt and as @Asia91 said this is an easy target.

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Thanks I agree, I think the issue lies that everytime we argued or fought it was because I was drunk n picking or would go off in a rage in a matter of seconds. I know he’s on edge and has a guard up.

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Wonderful advice here. Regaining trust from loved ones is huge.

@C-sun, keeping it real, as always. Tough, helpful words of wisdom.

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Spouse getting drunk? Been there. Not fun.

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I’m sorry he said that to you. My husband asked me the other day if I was back on the pills because I was dozing off in the chair and had no motivation at all for like 2 days, i know why he asked but it still hurt thay he doesnt trust me, but than again what would I have done if it was him in my shoes?

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My advice is:

20 days in for me i was very irritable. Still not thinking clearly… i would fight with my own shadow… i was best just staying away from everyone…

So understand that your body and brain are going through changes… try to just recognise when you are getting irritated and GET AWAY FROM ALL OTHER HUMANS. seriously. I am not joking. For your own good.

You will see clearly in another 30 days and you will thank me for this advice!!!

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Thank you all for the advice… I see a lot of very good points. I feel like I’ve done this wondrous thing being sober this long but like it was said it’s a drop in the bucket for those on the outside. This healing process is going to take a long time for me to regain trust and faith from those I love and have hurt.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were over his mom’s (she lives around the corner) and my oldest and youngest sons walked around. When I came home later my oldest had a shitty attitude with me and I asked him what his deal was, he said how many drinks did you have, you promised you were quitting for real this time. My boyfriend still drinks and his mom does too. I told my son I hadn’t drank at all and he didn’t believe me. I actually had to get my boyfriend to talk to him and reassure him I hadn’t been drinking anything other than water.

My eyes are wide open and I know a lot of time and healing is needed, for now I will keep doing what I need to do to stay strong and sober.

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I don’t drink (15 days today) and my husband is sober 18 years (minor relapses). My mother is an alcoholic and I can promise you these words come from a place of fear. It takes the people around us much longer to catch up to our sobriety because often, relapse happens. Also, we have truly hurt people with our drinking. It feels like we climbed a mountain in two weeks, but our loved ones are not as optimistic in such a short time. But hold onto your self confidence. I’ve learned that right about six months most people really allow that forgiveness that is so crucial to healing. With my husband, if I question his sobriety, even after 18 years, it angers him. I don’t identify as an alcoholic, but choose sobriety as a lifestyle, and it doesn’t bother me at all if he asks me how I’m feeling about drinking. We are all different, but know something about your reaction of anger. He has learned that his angry reaction is his addiction manifesting and that’s not a loving reaction either. Maybe a long talk with your bf about how hard this is, how far you’ve come, and how potentially damaging those accusations can be? There’s a way to ask someone if their are feeling weak to their addiction without being hurtful :slight_smile:

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