Thank you buttercup
But I totally failed at letting it go. I never brought it up again. I didn’t nag her about it. Verbally I let it go. But mentally I was a mess all day. Alanon relapse. Good thing I had a headache to hide behind when she asked me “so now you’re depressed?” We still talked during the day but I’m not sure if it was the headache or the addiction that was getting me down.
It’s so hard when you love someone so much for so long. And I’m trying really hard to love her and hate the addiction. But it’s fucking difficult. And now I woke with another fucking headache this morning
Well, I got a meeting I can go to tonight. I hope it don’t snow. I really need one. It’s a nice small meeting. I like that. Let’s see what the day brings.
Thanks for stopping by. It help sharing with you first thing this morning. I hope you’re well. I reckon there’s a lot of darkness for you this time of year. So happy for you and your fiancé. I hope that brings you lots of light.
That’s hard. I think about: Maybe the headache and the mess of feelings, the hurt her behaviour causes, the helplessness to face that nothing changes, that you are worried, maybe these things go together?
Hope your day evolves ok and the meeting helps. Sending you hug and strength
I wonder because I know I get terrible headache when things are stressing me and I can’t see a silver lining of potential change. This also depends on my daily constitution but the pattern has escorted me all my adult life. And even before. It’s a physical outlet of my inner stress.
I actually never thought of that. I’m always thinking was it the chocolate I ate last night? Not enough water? I didn’t eat properly? I have no problem thinking it’s stress when I have back pain. Which thankfully I don’t have.
Ya definitely stress
I got to learn to “Let Go!!” It’s so import to be able to let go. I struggle with that. I just can’t seem to let go inside my stupid brain. I’m so fucking sensitive. I did just find a meditation on insight timer. I’ve been meaning to ask if you use insight timer? I’m going to go over to the meditation thread and post it.
I do enjoy thinking about you and your cats watching the beach on your television. Do you dress the part in a swimsuit and sandals? Throw a little cat litter around the house for sand. . Great idea
I’m so proud of your strength to break away from your addict. It must have so fucking hard on you. Sometimes I must admit I’m envious. Imagining not having an addictive loved one to have to deal with. But 42 years years of being together, it just isn’t an option. I’m going to fight this fucker with AlAnon to the end if I have too. And I’m going to win. I’m just very proud of you. I’m so glad to have you here for support. Even though we are doing it so differently. But our struggles are the same.
Thanks, I saw the meditation. Will check it out on the weekend.
I just laughed out loud: YES, I’m quite properly dressed for the beach. Hormons giving me hot flushes and sweating these days so I wear little light summer dresses at home allthough the house is only heated up to 19,5 degrees celsius! The sand feeling is the cats’ business, yes, they litter enough and I’m lazy on vacuuming this week
This 6 months of forced break up really was good for me. Sooner or later he will have to deal with my coming back to the farm as I’m not willing to give up the job and existence we built together and I built as my job and income. He has his business and to be honest I don’t give a fuck about his business, I’ve been tired of this whole business ranting for a couple of years now, I was tired of doing his accounting, being his driver etc… In short: I was tired of him not doing his own shit and whining about WTF … We all have to do our jobs.
I’m pretty sure there will be another uncomfortable escalation when he realizes that things are not going how snowhite imagines paradise on our farm.
Sometimes I think he babbles what comes to his mind when he must talk to me, without thinking about it in the big picture before. That’s annoying but I have to deal with it. He will not change nor will he come to some insights about his own resposibility how and why things escalated. As he is still in denial of being an alcoholic I don’t have any hope that anything changes. I move on. I have to. It’s my life and I put a lot of work in overcoming all the bullshit I took and to see my codependent part and responsibility in the situation which is a fair share, especially covering my feelings with anger. The anger left me weeks ago, but I still struggle with resentments and work on it. I move into a hopefully healthy direction. It’s his choice where he moves. If he moves.
When I’m gone too far away emotionally, this part of my life will only be a fading memory. That’s life. Time will tell
You you let go verbally. That’s a win.
You struggled internally. It happens. It’s hard, it feels like a failure but YOU are not a failure. Neither is Wifey. You did the best you could at the time.
I can’t even fathom the depths of this statement. It makes me think of Christ and us, with our sinful nature. I know He can handle it but I bet that love hurts.
It’s my fucking feelings!!
That’s what I’m trying to control.
Anyway…….Woke up with a great ear worm this morning. One of my higher powers, music, working magic on me. “That’s Just Who You Are” by Aimee Mann.
Thanks @Soberbilly
Brought me to tears. It was beautiful.
Love a good cleansing cry first thing in the morning.
Anyway……
If I’m experiencing what I feel is a traumatic experience. It might just take me a day or 2 to get over it. And I think I got to learn it’s ok to feel sad, and even despise the addict. And I might not be happy for a couple of days. And that’s going to have to be ok.
If my addict literally falls down drunk trying to get to bed. I might just have to feel grief for a couple a days. I didn’t like it. But I can honestly say I didn’t feel resentment towards my wife. No, I wasn’t happy to be around her the next day. And yes I was a sad sack. And yes I was depressed. I blamed the depression on a headache, I did have. When I was asked if I was depressed, I should have just said yes I’m depressed. Ya I’ll step in that “should.”
So I’m better today knowing That’s Just Who I Am. A very sensitive fuck. And Next time, I’m not going to fight or try and control or “Let Go,” of those sad, gloomy, heartbroken, hangdog, joyless fucking feelings.
All my life until now I have been afraid to feel my feelings. All of my life until now I have tried to control my feelings because letting go of them was just a non option, I was too afraid of the what the outcome might be. All my life until now I have not understood what feelings were for. Why do we have them? Why does it hurt? Why do I feel fear? And why do all of them affect my heart. I can literally feel my heart break when I am sad, I feel pain in my heart. My heart beat races when I am afraid, it gets me ready for fight or flight. When I am hapy I feel like my heart could burst with joy, my chest feels FULL. I found an answer is so simple and yet I had been living in fear for so long that I just couldnt see it. My feelings have been gifted to me so that my soul can navigate this human experience. The more I try to control them the more out of control they become and the more I suffer emotionally. When I am able to be grateful for the feelings I am having, and sit quietly with them, hold space for them. When I am able to listen to myself and remind the part of me that is hurting that I love her; my feelings are less intense and they can come and go more fluidly. They arent sticky today. Even those really hard trauma response feelings I was going through. I would literally hold my hands open infront of my chest, close my eyes and breathe into the feeling. I located where in my body it was showing up, gave it a color and then held it with compassion breathing good energy into it until it subsided. Letting go of things that hold deep emotional value (good or bad) is the hardest thing for us to do but its possible. The most important thing I have learned is to be compassionate towards myself in the process.
Hello dear Eric, I’m a bit late to reply but I still care: I think it’s great you’re making that transition to allowing yourself to feel what you feel!
This is the most important thing I’ve read on here in a while, could go right on Dan’s new #1 recovery tip thread!
It has seemed to me that you have been trying to really censor what is allowed to be there in terms of feeling when it comes to your wife’s drinking and what is not. I wonder if you might wanna explore the reasons for that? I know you’re in al-anon and it’s supposed to make codependency unstick. But maybe there are other more personal motives there too. What happens/does it mean when you get so sad, gloomy, heartbroken, what is your fantasy about that?
Like for example I know that I strictly censor my feelings of selfishness, entitlement and envy. These guys are just not allowed to exist. I must not covet what anyone else has or it “means” I am evil and want to kill that person, and I must not consider myself better than anyone else, in my fantasy that’s also equal to overpowering and killing them. These are old, childish fantasies of forbidden feelings. My parents taught me the values behind them, they didn’t teach me they would mean murder, I think child-me added that to make sure I’d stay in line and not become guilty of feeling entitled or better.
But stifling some feelings leads to them growing very big and unchecked in secret, in my experience. Like, I have a pretty fragile ego, swaying between self-annihilation and grandeur. The more I find a healthy medium of selfishness and let envy be there to come and go when it must, the more stable and less forced I feel inside me in general.
That was a long text, just to illustrate what I mean about the fantasy of the forbidden feelings.
I think you’re on the right path. And you know you’re not walking it alone my friend.
So a little background…my husband quit drinking about 5 months ago “to support me”. He has a problem. He was drinking all day before he stopped but it annoys me he says he quit to support me. The other day we were talking and he said if we werent together he would probably still drink. I feel like he isnt accepting his drinking as a problem and is copping out by saying he quit to support me. It bugs me. But he still claims hes in recovery…even though hes not doing any of the hard work and only abstaining
I think that was pretty cool of him to quit drinking to support your sobriety. Truthfully I was quite envious. But mostly I was happy for you guys. You probably know enough of my story. But, at my beginning, my wife said she’d support me not drinking but she’s gonna drink!! She didn’t think I had a problem. I drank for 45 years. The last ten or so years I can’t remember taking days off from drinking but she didn’t think I was that bad. I don’t want to get into the quantities of my past.
I been learning I can only take care of what’s in my hula hoop. And taking other peoples inventories get me into emotional distress. And I struggle constantly to NOT take my wife’s inventory. But as long as I catch myself and let it go I reckon that’s progress.
Maybe he doesn’t want to or just isn’t ready yet to do more than just abstain. As you know we all have our own paths to recovery.
Trying to find this reading for ya. It helped me. I can’t find the whole thing.
With all that said. I can totally understand why your feelings would be hurt when he said he’d probably still be drinking if y’all weren’t together. But I guess that also shows you he doesn’t think he has a problem.
Thank you for the response @Dazercat you are so right about taking someone elses inventory. Im just gonna be greatful he quit and stop there. Ill be careful not to overthink it…i think
I can feel your frustration.
I would like to share some good advice I found.
If you can’t shower, wash your face. 1 % is better than 0 %.
I’m a bit envious too, I would have loved it if my husband stopped drinking to support me. Abstain is better than drink. Deeper recovery work may follow later. Abstaining is a good start.
Your recovery comes first. He has to find his own way. You can lead by example if you want. But you can not force your point of view of recovery on him. This will cause resentment because your implicit expectations “how recovery works” for him will not be met, like an ideal will never be met.
I’m happy you both are sober and you’re working on your recovery. Sending you good vibes
That first paragraph really had me balling.
Of course I replace daughter with wife.
And replace 1 year with 6 months in Al-Anon.
I am seeing progress in myself.
I’m still waiting for that spiritual awakening. It will come.
Does it never end? I have a court appointment in one week, my husband field for divorce. He has no clue what he wants or how we proceed with our farm but this
To be honest it hits me hard emotionally. A part of me always hoped for a happy end. I sat all afternoon and cried. Not only because I still love and miss him. Also because of all the mean things in this letter. I don’t deserve to be treaten like this. It breakes my heart.
Dang it Erntedank. I’m so sorry to read this. It sounds, like usual, that you have to do everything for this guy. I mean he can’t even decide what he wants. WTF
I don’t think you have to decide what he wants. You just decide what you want. This must be very gut wrenching what your going through. He’s definitely giving you reminders that you are making the right decision no matter how hard this is on you. One day. You probably can’t see it now. But one day it, will have an end. It’s going to keep hurting for awhile. You will get through this. And you’re going to come out so much stronger and even better than you are. And you already are amazing.
Keep letting it out. Keep sharing where you can.
Big hug for you my friend.
Thank you @Dazercat
I’m such a codependent idiot, I cry and want him to close me in his arms, telling me everything is fine and we will have a good time for the rest of our life. Can my fucking fairy tale brain stop producing such a shitshow of thoughts and feelings?
He never was this type of man and fact is: He left me long ago emotionally. I want to let go of the good memories too, they hurt so much.
I don’t know what I want. I know I need a lot of talking about many things with him to find a solid basis for my decisions. You don’t run a company on gut feeling but on solid information, facts and figures. Anything else is economic suicide. I will not commit economic suicide because he is a lame duck when it comes to communication.
I feel tired and exhausted, abandoned and mistreaten. And needy. I need hugs, love, cuddling and the feeling of being safe and cared.This is exactly why I always was very shy to trust in my partners. Because when I feel save and cared and trust, it breakes my whole world when I loose it. This wounds never healed.
Well, I go to bed now. There’s no sense in brooding over things I can’t change. Thanks for being there for me
Remember this is also a very traumatic thing you are going through. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over any of this. Not that I see you doing that or anything. But sometimes knowing that this is a traumatic experience you’re going through can help with your healing. You have done nothing wrong. And you’re doing nothing wrong.
Wow, I needed to hear this. To be honest I am beating myself up for being such a needy person who still loves someone who shows no signs to better or even continue our relationship. Thank you for changing my perspective.
This was not my week at all for the last 7 days. Turned out I had massive PMS all week which led to an emotional breakdown on saturday when I discovered my period arrived again. Today is day three and I remember: My husband fled from me for years because I was too needy and too moody for him. But the only thing I needed were hugs. Tons of hugs.
I have to let go. Let go and let God
on your television. Do you dress the part in a swimsuit and sandals? Throw a little cat litter around the house for sand. 
. Great idea 
this is solid gold
making the right decision no matter how hard this is on you. One day. You probably can’t see it now. But one day it, will have an end. It’s going to keep hurting for awhile. You will get through this. And you’re going to come out so much stronger and even better than you are. And you already are amazing.