I guess my point is (sorry I think I rambled a bit up there):
Actually I think you’re running your company pretty well, financially and emotionally. Your emotional relationship with yourself is what’s getting the investment now, and that emotional capital is just as valuable as emotional capital in a two-person company.
You are on the point, as always. Thank you @Matt 
It’s a very simple problem: I have to calculate on hard facts whether I pay out my ex or not. What’s missing are the hard facts 
I do NOT want to find out later what the hell of bullshit is additionally to do / invest / work on / re-build because he said fucking nothing (my experience with him tells me to be very aware and investigative). I simply don’t have the money for uncalculated bullshit and I am NOT willing to work my ass off instead of enjoying my life on the farm.
All the heritage of my father who died 12 years ago went into building our dream of an organic farm, self-supplied and panic-proof. Plus I wanted a house with comfort and modern standards.
I was a complete idiot to marry him and an even bigger idiot that I entitled him into the real estate register when I bought it. He did not add a penny. Don’t ask how complicated this makes it.
I’ll think a lot about the emotional arguments you brought to the table. A good perspective and worth being “calculated” too.
Now I need a nap. At least I have my winter cloths back. His snappy, määäähhh, I’m sooo poor attitude with deliberatly NOT speaking to me is just childish. And hurting. Well, not for much longer I hope.
Jesus. What a mess.
To go with the ship metaphor a bit more: it sounds like you’re in an intense storm - the storm of a regrettable financial situation - but the emotional capital you have invested in yourself (your efforts to connect here, to find healthy support for yourself, to let yourself feel while knowing you have your feet on the ground and it will pass), that emotional capital is the strong ship which will keep you safe here.
You need a good lawyer and a good accountant, you need to ask some questions and get some solid, practical, actionable advice from them, and you need to take time to do this right. It sucks and it’s gonna suck until the job is done, but it’s not something you want to rush.
I follow Ellevest on LinkedIn and they are fantastic for financial advice for women. (It’s all advice that men should follow too it’s just this particular company focuses more on women’s general experience with respect to markets, investments, and decisions.) This site is helpful for being diligent with looking into your financial situation, so you don’t get taken advantage of:
https://www.ellevest.com/magazine/family-relationships/divorce-dividing-wealth
For lawyer, there’s a lot of options, but you want to be sure it “clicks”. I’ve had a few different lawyers (not for divorce proceedings in my case but for other matters) and some of them I just felt like I was being talked through a script, like an assembly-line process. I like a lawyer who takes time to listen to me and understand, and who is helping me find the steps I want to take, at the pace I want to take them, and advising me about the wisest way to do that. I like lawyers that are focused on me as a person, not as just another client on their list. Don’t be afraid to “shop around” for a lawyer until you find one you click with.
Take care and don’t give up. You deserve to be seen and respected.
Thanks @Matt Yes it is a really self-induced mess. I’m grateful I hired one of the best divorce lawyers long ago. Better safe than sorry. Divorce in Austria is a complicated and expensive thing if you don’t settle both for an amicable divorce. We will see. ODAAT and one step after the other. Not only in sobriety 
You are right: the emotional capital and work invested in me MAKES a difference 
I realized this today when I saw my husband to fetch my winter cloths. Shared it on the gratitude thread.
I’m glad you shared Emilie. I find it very hard to share these things with other people. Weather it be my sadness or success stories. And that’s why I like to go to my Al-Anon meetings. I can share openly with people that understand and more importantly listen to other people share their stories.
Please check in anytime.
Maverick just jumped up into my lap for a purr and a cuddle. I think I’ll take advantage of that.
I’m happy you typing it out here helped.
Edit: I too appreciate the reminder that I never want to go back to my drinking passing out days ever again either. I just wish it wasn’t a daily constant 
reminder. But I cannot control it.
My husband apologizes for drinking too much on those days and always says he’s proud of me and doesn’t want to “tempt” me. Every time I see him (or anyone really) drunk it reinforces my decision to never go back. We are only in control of ourselves @Dazercat but isn’t it glorious to finally have a bit of control over whether or not we take that first drink?
Keep fighting the good fight and give those sweet cats a squeeze from me. 
I’m not sure where this post is going, I just start.
We got divorced yesterday. Nope, this was not scheduled for yesterday and I’m still wondering how my lawyer made it happen. My ex-husband did not see it come, they must have had a completely different strategy for yesterday’s court date than we.
I was shocked how haggard, tense and bad my ex looked like. He obviously does not remember things he told me. He really believes that he did NOT say many things. It is heartbreaking to see him like this, with obviously declining health, stressed, frayed nervs. He did not get his driver license back yet. It’s 7 months now. I try to keep myself off overthinking. It’s not my circus anymore.
It might sound weird, but he was obviously dissatisfied with the outcome yesterday. He has to do a lot of decluttering and I can start the seedling season mid january at the farm - if I want. He has to tolerate it. He has to tolerate me. In january the next court date will take place. Then we talk about the financials. I’m astonished about his ideas how much he wants from me. For sure he will never even get half of it. Maybe he finally lost his sense of reality completely. Or became greedy. He never was greedy.
I asked my lawyer what he thinks of my ex, he saw him yesterday in person for the first time. My lawyer is an excellent observer. He told me frankly I should stay away from my ex and the farm as long as my ex still lives there, he thinks this man is a ticking time bomb spiraling down. No tremor but all signs of a full-blown alcoholic, erratic, a lot of oppressed anger towards me which could lead to violence when he realizes that he started a battle that will lead him nowhere.
My ex got what he wanted: the divorce. But he did not get what he really wanted: power over me, himself been seen as poor victim who dictates the rules.
I’m relieved the divorce is final. The romantic little princess in me never stopped hoping for a happy end. There never was a chance for it. I lost my loved one and he his love for me to alcohol long ago, long before things became really bad between us.
I will take the advise from my lawyer and therapists serious. They all tell me to remove my ex from my life completely, otherwise he will engulf me into the abyss with him. Yesterday I saw for the first time, what all those wise people meant. I saw my ex as he really is. I saw the signs of his decay, how he changed. I realized he will never answer my questions, I have to find peace without. This is not the man I knew and loved anymore. It broke my heart. It broke my heart that all he wants is to push me away. Without any plan for his own life. But with my money. The whole situation is somewhat surreal and mad.
One thing is for sure: This too shall pass and in the long run we are all dead. So I pet the cats, smile sadly and take it one day at a time. This year I burried three friends, my mum and our marriage. I’m not surprised that I feel like I have no energy left and need a loooong vacation from life itself. I AM surprised that I still work on me, on letting go, on babysteps, one after another, on managing my life. I’m grateful that continous work pays off some day and that I know this for sure. I am divorced now. It feels like someone cutted out a piece of my heart. Maybe it reveals some day that it saved my life and sanity. Who knows?
I hear your strength and all your sadness. I am also sad/relieved/happy that you chose to leave behind a human who is actively addicted and (it sounds to me) deeply unhappy. If I could hug you I would. Yours is the first post I read of the day so you get all my kindness and thoughts of strength today. Please treat yourself kindly.
If you feel sad and lonely today know that I am out here impressed with your badassery (not a real word but very applicable here) because you know your worth. This quote below shows me you still have a fiery spirit. If I could sit next to that fire with you and feed it kindling I would. For now you’ll have to be content knowing I will be rooting for you all day. Now to cry a bit in my coffee. Sending hugs.
Thank you, thank you for your kindness. Now I cry. I want to hug you too. It echoed deep in me what you say about him: deeply unhappy. I think he is very deeply unhappy. I remember when we married. We sat on the couch and he told me: This is the first time in my life that I’m really happy. You, me and the cats, this is our little family now. He was happy. I was happy. We loved each other. If I could bottle one moment in time it would be this.
Exactly what @TrustyBird said, erntedank. I just want to give you a big hug. You are wise and strong and brave and it’s okay to have zero energy. None, after all of the cumulative losses. Just take time, friend. I would guess the path ahead will be hard, but that you’ve come through the worst of it - the hardest part, with matters most: you. You, your cats, your wholeness and completeness.
Thank you for sharing your world and your light with us. Sending you love and hugs.
Many hugs coming your way.
Wow. That’s alot. Yet, you are surviving it. I’m sorry it’s so painful. I’m sorry your little princess didn’t get her happy ending (this time). But I’m not sorry at all seeing you becoming alive again after such a long time of hibernating. Like Trusty said, you have fire in your spirit. May that kindle the little princess to grow up to be a Queen who knows her worth and purpose 
You really do need to cut your ex loose, IMHO. I’m sure there’s much more to the mix than what is mentioned but in the end, as long as he is in addiction he would not choose you or life. pls remember his choices are not your fault or responsibility. Addiction is an all consuming fatal disease. We know it.
I wish you peace over the holidays.
Hey. @erntedank
Been trying to find Time to write a little something my friend. But first. You really write and express yourself so well on here. You have a great way with words and getting your point across on how you feel.
Especially this.
I almost cried.
You may not feel it or realize it at times but you are an amazingly strong person. I admired you so much. And I worry about you too.
I don’t like to give advice, accept to share what works for me. But you listen to your lawyer and your therapist. Stay the fuck away from him!! He is not a well person. If you must have contact with him do not be alone. Please. Domestic violence and addiction can be a very deadly combination. Please be careful. If your lawyer thinks your ex is a ticking time bomb. You listen to him/her.
Sorry. Not sorry.
Now, I hope you can somehow find some peace going into the Christmas season and new year. Use your friends that you’ve been talking too. They hopefully know all you’ve been going through. I’m so glad you let that out here. And pray for your peace during all this trauma you are going through.
And despite how badly everything ended i thinking bottling that happy memory is further evidence of your strength and hope and resilience. Sad times for sure, but you are not one to stay down. I am in awe of how you are handling this.
(((((( @erntedank ))))))
Tremendously hard, hurtful and sad year you’ve been through.
Big hugs. xoxo
To a happy and stable future for you, one day at a time. 
Little by little we go a long way, my friend. I’m sorry for your pain, your loss, and your heartbreak. I would like to think of it rather as a heartsprain, and each babystep is an expression of hope and healing as you work toward a better and happier future.
Thank you all for your kindness and good words. 
I’m on day 2 after divorce. To be honest, I wish for 2023 all hormonal and emotional rollercoasters to vanish! This is my new years wish.
On monday I felt relieved, even content. Yesterday I had a lot of therapy and a really bad emotional hangover in the afternoon. Today I’m ok. Just ok. Had my last session with the psychiatrist for this year. It helped me to talk with him. He insisted that I cut off any communication. No christmas greetings, no new year’s greeting. This is hard for me. I’m a loving and caring person, such nice little gestures are important for me to give and I never cared if we were angry or had a bad time, I always kept up this traditions. I understand that it is part of letting go. And it is important for my healing. But it hurts and demands a lot of self-discipline. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Schimanski came on the couch to sleep next to me for the first time! Like he knows that my ex will never come back again to lie here. Schimanski often slept on the couch on our farm together with my ex. Now he comes to me. When things like this happen I feel that everything in the universe is connected and that things happen for a reason. 
Last year during holiday season I was something like three weeks sober, when I went for Christmas family dinner. I managed to stay on course, partly beccause I got to watch my dad escalate his drinking that night. It was scary. I saw myself in that. I knew I never wanted to be like that ever again. Memories of that night still haunt me a little. The shameful silence, the impossibility to have a conversation among everyone, the feeling of being torn between wanting to protect my little brother and keeping my dad somewhat happy, so things don’t get worse. You all know, there is no arguing with a drunk person… I notice, that I am quite anxious when I think about family dinner this year. I am trying to brace myself and accept, that his drinkking is not within my control. Still freaking scared. I hate to feel this way.
Good that you are sober!
It is a difficult and wearing situation you describe. May I ask if there was any reflection or communication about your dad’s behaviour after last year’s season? Could you express how difficult it was for you and how unwell you felt?
Try to prepare yourself by taking good care of you. Meditate, relax and detach as good as you can. Maybe think about how you want to cope this year if it happens again. Leave? Detach yourself in love in talking to other members of the family? Express your feelings about the situation verbally (not discussing with a drunk person)? Focus on what you love about the get together and leave the rest?
I understand that you are scared. Been in similar situations, it’s not easy. Sending you strenght and hugs
Thank you for your kind words @erntedank . To be honest, there hasn’t been a reflection or discussion of the subject yet. When I was still early in my sobriety someone pointed out to me that I should take care of my own sobriety first and hope to inspire by example. I kind of let myself off the hook there and avoided the whole topic with my dad altogether. We are not exactly that kind of family where it feels easy to talk about feelings or adress unpleasant emotions. So I’ve been sitting through a bunch of similar situations throughout the year without ever verbalizing it. I just compartmentalized it. Not the best way to deal with it, to be honest. I realize, that now that I am more firm in my own sobriety, it is about time to address this. As for now, I think expressing how the situation makes me feel would be a good first step.
