I had awful nightmares today about me, my husband and how/what he is doing at our farm.
Not uncommon, but the intensity of the nightmares made me think about the facts again.
He refuses to talk to me, I have no information what’s going on or what he is doing there. Or not doing, as HIS projects are the ones not finished. This completely ignoring my desires for information makes me … desperate? frustrated? annoyed? angry? full of resentment? I don’t even know how to describe the cocktail of feelings
It’s now half a year since we are separated. I’m not sure, but I think my feelings towards him are changing. Thank you @dazercat for your yesterday’s al-anon reading to not call your drinking loved one an alcoholic because it leads to detaching with resentments, not love. I tried it and for me it makes a difference mentally.
I’m kind of stuck in my life, unable and unwilling to make decissions that will lead my future in a certain way. I’m not ready nor willing to relieve him of his duties - I need information to decide about certain issues and it’s up to him to provide it. I was too long the one who worked on our relationship alone. But: It’s also up to me to initiate action when I want to clarify things, set up (for me) healthy ways of coping with the situation and develop sound boundaries even if this boundaries are necessary to protect me from my co-dependent behaviour as a start. I want to protect myself from the impulses of begging for love, becoming frustrated, feeling abandoned and becomming angry with me and my husband over this vicious circle.
He is like he is. I don’t even know what his life looks now, what he feels, what’s concerning him. I don’t even know if he got his driver licence back. And I don’t know shit about the farm. I should have informed the municipal office in August and order a final inspection of the new built house so it gets approval to live in there. I’m still waiting for work to be finished my husband is in charge to organize and do
I know he needs rest and quiet according to the little we talk. I know he works a lot. I hope on the farm to finish his projects. And the house.
He should be sober for a few months now to gain back his driver license. Apparently this is stressing him to an extent where he is not capable of developing some healthy talking culture with me. I have to let his battles be his battles and focus on myself. This fucking sucks. I want to move on. Therefore I will ask my lawyer to claim a mediation. I already suggested it to my husband, it’s fine for him but HE will not arrange anything, he is too busy and has no time to spare. What the fuck? So it’s again ME to take care of the important things in life? Like always. I’m working with my therapist hard on letting go of these kind of resentments and develop an attitude to see the situation without interpreting it. That’s hard work and changes perspectives. I think I will benefit from a mediation. My husband already agreed to participate. So what’s the frustration in just organizing it? ME. The frustration is my memory and my resentments that come from our past. I know shit about his present life, he knows little more about mine. So why bother with old stuff. I want something to happen? It’s my responsibility to start
Wow, I needed to get this off my chest. I’m so grateful I can put it down here, I feel a lot better now and the anxiety and anger from the nightmare are gone.