# Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?
**URL:** https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059
**Category:** Emotional Support
**Tags:** love, relationships
**Created:** [October 12, 2021, 3:12pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059 "2021-10-12T15:12:41Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 94
### Author:  [@Dazercat](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dazercat)
#### Post date: [March 2, 2026, 6:38pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2002 "2026-03-02T18:38:28Z")
Congratulations on your 8 days. That’s awesome 👏
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 2, 2026, 6:40pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2003 "2026-03-02T18:40:11Z")
> [@Dazercat](#):
>
> If I’m focusing on her drinking. I not focusing on my recovery. And the only person’s inventory I should be taking is my own.
This hits hard! I’m shutting up now. LOL.😆
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 2, 2026, 6:45pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2004 "2026-03-02T18:45:57Z")
Reading this and crying….
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### Author:  [@Dazercat](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dazercat)
#### Post date: [March 2, 2026, 10:09pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2005 "2026-03-02T22:09:25Z")
I thought about that one too on my walk. But I didn’t want to overwhelm you with TMI. It is a big one.
That’s my daily reader. Courage To Change. It’s a wonderful read.
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2026, 10:15am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2006 "2026-03-03T10:15:24Z")
I’ve been doing lots of reading. This thread is priceless, full of helpful stuff. I haven’t went all the way back to the beginning, but I plan to.
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### Author:  [@addeline](https://talkingsober.com/u/addeline)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2026, 2:24pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2007 "2026-03-03T14:24:08Z")
What I have been learning from my therapist (I can’t speak on others situations as I’m not privy to it), but for mine particular, unhealthy and healthy cannot coexist. Whether my husband is aware consciously or subconsciously, generally when a partner begins getting healthy & the other is not, they will try to impede growth. I also have come to know that he has issues with control. He cannot control my personal growth, which adds fuel to fire. My partner and I had a base relationship with alcohol since the beginning. When I relapse, it is surrounding my nerves around him. I am thinking of you & if you want extra support, feel free to PM me 😊
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2026, 3:51pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2008 "2026-03-03T15:51:59Z")
I truly appreciate that. I will most likely take you up on that offer. He has agreed to moderate a little better, but I know that’s been said before by both of us. It was just an extra hard weekend. I very much believe what you are saying. Hubby here also has issues with control. I noticed it early on, but I’m more of a servant heart so a little direction is nice, wanted and appreciated. However, the older I get, the less I tolerate. We are both going through changes. His are just a little different from mine. We are together, for better or worse. This just happens to be one of those times that’s more worse than better.
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### Author:  [@erntedank](https://talkingsober.com/u/erntedank)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2026, 7:26pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2009 "2026-03-03T19:26:37Z")
You are always welcome to take what is helpful from my experiences. Love your sharings.
It’s a lonely journey beside a drinking partner. But you are not alone in it 🫂
And to answer an unasked question: When you get sober and work recovery, it ALWAYS comes first. Yes, the uncomfortable fact is that there will be times you must detach and distance from your partner to save your sobriety, integrity and authentic self. No worries, he and all others will learn and accomodate to your boundaries and self-care. Don’t argue, just do your sober thing and keep going. ODAAT
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2026, 8:26pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2010 "2026-03-03T20:26:06Z")
Yes, that does sound uncomfortable. 😔 I pray God gives me strength. Sounds like I will certainly need it. “Detach and distance” will seem to him like I don’t love him. I really don’t ever want to hurt him. I just don’t want to hurt myself, either. We did talk for awhile last night, went over some scenarios that could occur. I told him that I would rather walk away/go to bed early rather than argue or give in to a drink. He told me to do whatever I feel is best for me, even if he didn’t like it. But I’m not sure he meant that. He had several drinks before he said that, but I don’t think he was drunk. Thank you for your help.
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### Author:  [@erntedank](https://talkingsober.com/u/erntedank)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2026, 8:39pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2011 "2026-03-03T20:39:21Z")
Showing love has many faces.
You can make up sober things you do together to discover how loving each other feels when both are sober. My ex didn’t do shit and when he was annoying, emotionally absent, but I would have loved to. Just a thought.
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### Author:  [@Dazercat](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dazercat)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2026, 3:51pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2012 "2026-03-04T15:51:36Z")
From Today’s **Courage To Change**
I found these types of readings to be very helpful, when dealing with my active alcoholic wife.
**MARCH 4**
The slogan, “Think” always puzzled me. Wasn’t it my “stinking thinking” that got me into trouble? The meaning of this slogan remained a mystery until I heard a neighbor’s child reciting some safety rules he’d learned in school: Stop, Look, and Listen. Before I get into trouble, before I open my mouth to react, or get lost in obsessive analysis of another person’s behavior, or worrying about the future, I can Stop. Then I can Look at what is going on and my role in it. Then I can Listen for spiritual guidance that will remind me of my options and help me find healthy words and actions. So when something unkind is said to me, **I don’t automatically have to get into a loud and vicious argument.** Instead, I can take a moment to “Think.” I can Stop, Look, and Listen. Then I might be able to engage calmly in discussion or **simply walk away.** If I do choose to enter the argument, at least I am now making this decision consciously, rather than letting life decide for me.
**Today’s Reminder**
This day is a beautiful room that’s never been seen before. Let me cherish the seconds, minutes, and hours I spend here. Help me to think before I speak and pray before I act.
_“The program helps me gain the freedom to make wise choices that are good for me. I choose to put that freedom to work in my life today.” Alateen—a day at a time_
@OHsusieQ
There’s a great acronym for THINK as well.
Is it?
**T** houghtful
**H** elpful
**I** nteligent
**N** ecessary
**K** ind
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2026, 4:57pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2013 "2026-03-04T16:57:43Z")
This is good stuff! I know my problem is really me. It has taken me a few days to come to terms with that. I’m on edge, mood swings, uncontrolled thoughts. I can’t help anyone. I can barely help myself right now. I don’t know what to do really to make these feelings go away. I’m wanting to be numb, like I always was. Not feeling anything seemed better than feeling everything. I will try to keep these words in mind. I’m flailing about like a caught fish, and everything hurts right now. I’m making assumptions when I shouldn’t. And yeah.. I guess some of it is not my fault, but a large part is definitely my fault because the things that didn’t bother me much before are now being carried like a heavy weight that I can’t unload. It just sits there and festers. A few moments each day I feel hopeful, like I can do this, but much of the day is spent with me wondering if I’ve done the right thing, if I can do this long term, if I can make a real change.. not just in the actions of drinking, but a change in my attitude towards drinking, towards others, towards myself. I don’t know. Moment by moment…that’s how I’m getting by. And people say that’s ok, but it sure hurts.
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### Author:  [@erntedank](https://talkingsober.com/u/erntedank)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2026, 5:47pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2014 "2026-03-04T17:47:29Z")
To learn to sit with our feelings is hard work. I think you are doing your best, one day at a time. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, irritated. This will get better, calmer, more organized. Be kind to yourself, you can emotions, impulses, feelings and thoughts let pass. Like visitors. This approach helped me to distance myself from my own overwhelming emotions AND give them a safe space to show me where they come from and what their message is. I still use this strategy when life gets lifey and emotions are high.
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### Author:  [@Dazercat](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dazercat)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2026, 6:53pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2015 "2026-03-04T18:53:31Z")
> [@OHsusieQ](#):
>
> I’m flailing about like a caught fish,
I love this 🤣🤣🤣
I’m sorry, but I wish I had that description of me when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting. It’s a perfect description of what you’re going through. I’m happy you still have your sense of humor.
We say assuming makes an ass of you and me 😜 I try not to assume what my wife knows, or what anyone knows for that matter. Even if they “should” know. And speaking of “should” I took that word right OUT of my vocabulary. I cannot go through life thinking my wife “ should” do this. My son “should” do that. Or she knows she “should”. Etc…. That’s why I don’t tell you what you “should” do. I have no idea what you “should” do. I can only share my experience strength and hope.
I too didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. Hell, I still don’t know. But I know I’m doing my best.
I think you are on the right track. It takes time. You are advanced with this thinking 👇
> [@OHsusieQ](#):
>
> I know my problem is really me.
One last saying that took me awhile to accept.
**If I’m not the problem, then there’s no solution.**
I’m glad you’re here.
Sorry about your circumstances.
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### Author:  [@OHsusieQ](https://talkingsober.com/u/OHsusieQ)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2026, 7:06pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2016 "2026-03-04T19:06:49Z")
@erntedank Hard work and not very fun, either. Not sure what it will take for me to figure out how to let feelings and thoughts pass. I wear them on my sleeves, for myself and everyone else to see (ashamedly).
@Dazercat I can see where that description is funny, but I had no other words to explain it with. Lol. Even if you can’t tell me what I “should” do, I sincerely appreciate you sharing on here. Lots of it I just keep going on and on in my head, trying to absorb it and let it take root. I don’t have the best dirt for roots, but I’m still trying anyway. I figure if I wake up every day at least trying, that’s gotta be better than not trying at all.
I’ve actually said something similar to that before. I think I WANT to be the problem so I can fix it. If it’s someone else’s problem, then there’s nothing I can do to make it better.
Thank you all for making me smile today. Cookies for everyone! 🍪
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### Author:  [@Olivia](https://talkingsober.com/u/Olivia)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2026, 8:57pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2017 "2026-03-04T20:57:48Z")
I’m taking baby steps.
Hubby shuts down every now and then. He won’t talk to me (I know it’s not my fault). If I ask, whether he’s giving me the silent treatment, his answer is “no” (but it sure feels like it). I thought it was screen addiction. Maybe it is. Shutting down is definitely an escape for him.
I’ve been working on MY approach when he is in that state. Screaming does not work. Guilt tripping him does not work. Ignoring him only makes _me_ furious. Talking about something else does not work. So, last night, I did something new-ish. I tried to create a safe space for him (and for me). I gave him words of affirmation, assured that I’m there for him. I did also tell him, once again, how his behaviour affects me and what my boundaries are. I tried to communicate those things firmly but calmly, too. I went away sad bc he wasn’t responsive. Asked Jesus to help us.
When we went to bed about an hour later, he unexpectedly opened up and became vulnerable. He was very honest about some deep things he probably hasn’t even told his therapist about (which I urged him to do). He had tried to manage those things and related feelings by shutting down. I count our conversation as a win, even if he still is knees deep in the process.
While I was confronting him earlier, my emotions were boiling up and my thoughts were telling me to leave, don’t bother, cut yourself loose, you don’t deserve this kind of behaviour. I chose not to listen. My truth about our marriage is deeper than that. I love him and he loves me. We’re not through yet. God has promised help to him. This is a lesson for me not to take all my thoughts seriously.
_Disclaimer: I’m not naive, I’m not being manipulated. I understand not all relationships survive and sometimes you HAVE TO trust your gut and go._
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### Author:  [@erntedank](https://talkingsober.com/u/erntedank)
#### Post date: [March 5, 2026, 6:46am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2018 "2026-03-05T06:46:01Z")
I’m glad you both were able to find a way to make a babystep. I admire you.
I wish this had worked for my ex. I tried it, multiple times. Until I gave up due to no response.
I’m always grateful when I read about things that worked for others. Thank you for sharing 🙏
I’m still not done processing the hurt the silent treatment, ignorance and non-responsiveness of my ex caused. Learning again and again that it takes two to make it work and letting go the fact that in my case there was no “two”, just me and my effort vs. my ex and his drinking personality helps me. The day will come when the last emotion is digested, done & dusted 🍀
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### Author:  [@Cjp](https://talkingsober.com/u/Cjp)
#### Post date: [April 5, 2026, 11:00pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2020 "2026-04-05T23:00:57Z")
I dont know al anon but i dont think i acted principled. My husband got high after he left my familys get together. It annoyed me. He left for a friends event and i stayed back. He came back home acting like nothing happened but eyeing me to see how id respond which made me uncomfortable. I dont like him high. I lose hope for a loving future as i fear he’ll be complacent and i will resent him for having to fund every future vacation.
Its a common theme. My siblings are well off. When we get together they talk about their trips and i get jealous. Then my husband gets high and i feel stuck like its not gonna get easier for us. Some days i can handle being the breadwinner then days like today i resent him
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### Author:  [@TrustyBird](https://talkingsober.com/u/TrustyBird)
#### Post date: [April 6, 2026, 12:59am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2021 "2026-04-06T00:59:32Z")
Lead with honesty. I don’t know the answer for you, my husband is frequently kind of drunk and kind of annoying. You’re heard. Keep talking. Happy Easter friend.
I spent two days with my active drinker of a sister so I’m good on family and addicts myself for a while. Emotionally disregulated so it feels like a holiday over here. 🐣🐇
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### Author:  [@Dazercat](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dazercat)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2026, 4:28am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/are-you-affected-by-a-loved-one-who-s-an-addict/128059/2022 "2026-04-08T04:28:36Z")
Hey CJ.
I think you did well.
It’s ok to be annoyed and angry. And you recognized it.
You set a boundary not going with him when he is high ✅
> [@Cjp](#):
>
> fund every future vacation.
And this script hasn’t been written yet. You know that from AA. Future tripping the worse scenario. And I believe you. And you’re probably right. Which doesn’t make it any easier.
That resentment is a fucking bastard. It’s a hard one to deal with. I’m sure you know when you expect someone to do something or act a certain way that’s just a resentment waiting to happen.
We did or when I lead an Al-Anon meeting I tried to pick resentment a lot for a topic. There’s a lot of good readings in some of those books. The daily readers.
Have you tried listening to The Recovery Show. It’s a great Podcast. Helped me out a lot.
> **[Resentment – Episode 196](https://therecoveryshow.com/2017/03/resentment-episode-196/)**
>
> Do you hold a grudge? Why is this harmful? How can our program help let go of our resentments? What is a “resentment”? Why is it a problem? Where do you find your resentments stem from? Anger at a past injury? Others not doing things “your way”? One...
> **[Resentment – Episode 8](https://therecoveryshow.com/2013/01/resentment-episode-8/)**
>
> We discuss resentment. How do we understand it? How does it affect us? How do we recognize resentment? What tools have we learned to deal with it?
I love listening to Spencer. And his voice is so soothing.
#resentmentssuck
Edit @Cjp you know 🤔 I think I’ll listen to episode 196 again. I could use it too. And she’s not even drinking. I’m coming up with new resentments. Fuck.
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