Hubby shuts down every now and then. He won’t talk to me (I know it’s not my fault). If I ask, whether he’s giving me the silent treatment, his answer is “no” (but it sure feels like it). I thought it was screen addiction. Maybe it is. Shutting down is definitely an escape for him.
I’ve been working on MY approach when he is in that state. Screaming does not work. Guilt tripping him does not work. Ignoring him only makes me furious. Talking about something else does not work. So, last night, I did something new-ish. I tried to create a safe space for him (and for me). I gave him words of affirmation, assured that I’m there for him. I did also tell him, once again, how his behaviour affects me and what my boundaries are. I tried to communicate those things firmly but calmly, too. I went away sad bc he wasn’t responsive. Asked Jesus to help us.
When we went to bed about an hour later, he unexpectedly opened up and became vulnerable. He was very honest about some deep things he probably hasn’t even told his therapist about (which I urged him to do). He had tried to manage those things and related feelings by shutting down. I count our conversation as a win, even if he still is knees deep in the process.
While I was confronting him earlier, my emotions were boiling up and my thoughts were telling me to leave, don’t bother, cut yourself loose, you don’t deserve this kind of behaviour. I chose not to listen. My truth about our marriage is deeper than that. I love him and he loves me. We’re not through yet. God has promised help to him. This is a lesson for me not to take all my thoughts seriously.
Disclaimer: I’m not naive, I’m not being manipulated. I understand not all relationships survive and sometimes you HAVE TO trust your gut and go.
I’m glad you both were able to find a way to make a babystep. I admire you.
I wish this had worked for my ex. I tried it, multiple times. Until I gave up due to no response.
I’m always grateful when I read about things that worked for others. Thank you for sharing
I’m still not done processing the hurt the silent treatment, ignorance and non-responsiveness of my ex caused. Learning again and again that it takes two to make it work and letting go the fact that in my case there was no “two”, just me and my effort vs. my ex and his drinking personality helps me. The day will come when the last emotion is digested, done & dusted
I dont know al anon but i dont think i acted principled. My husband got high after he left my familys get together. It annoyed me. He left for a friends event and i stayed back. He came back home acting like nothing happened but eyeing me to see how id respond which made me uncomfortable. I dont like him high. I lose hope for a loving future as i fear he’ll be complacent and i will resent him for having to fund every future vacation.
Its a common theme. My siblings are well off. When we get together they talk about their trips and i get jealous. Then my husband gets high and i feel stuck like its not gonna get easier for us. Some days i can handle being the breadwinner then days like today i resent him
Lead with honesty. I don’t know the answer for you, my husband is frequently kind of drunk and kind of annoying. You’re heard. Keep talking. Happy Easter friend.
I spent two days with my active drinker of a sister so I’m good on family and addicts myself for a while. Emotionally disregulated so it feels like a holiday over here.
Hey CJ.
I think you did well.
It’s ok to be annoyed and angry. And you recognized it.
You set a boundary not going with him when he is high
And this script hasn’t been written yet. You know that from AA. Future tripping the worse scenario. And I believe you. And you’re probably right. Which doesn’t make it any easier.
That resentment is a fucking bastard. It’s a hard one to deal with. I’m sure you know when you expect someone to do something or act a certain way that’s just a resentment waiting to happen.
We did or when I lead an Al-Anon meeting I tried to pick resentment a lot for a topic. There’s a lot of good readings in some of those books. The daily readers.
Have you tried listening to The Recovery Show. It’s a great Podcast. Helped me out a lot.
I love listening to Spencer. And his voice is so soothing.
#resentmentssuck
Edit @Cjp you know I think I’ll listen to episode 196 again. I could use it too. And she’s not even drinking. I’m coming up with new resentments. Fuck.
All I can do is sending hugs
I get the resentments and the annoyance to pay for something alone that should be financially shared. Been there, done that, didn’t end well and I still am angry on myself for shouldering mutual finances alone for far too long with a partner who didn’t step up. Won’t happen again, I learned my lesson.
Today I can honor my decisions without being defensive because I respect my right to make the best decisions I can.
Others have a right to disagree, to feel differently, to be disappointed.
I needed to read this today. I was a little worried about what someone would think when I fed the dog “my way” instead of “her way.” The dog did eat though. So whatever.
How fucken codependent is my brain anyway?!
I’m sure I could use an Al-Anon meeting. But I just don’t feel connected here in California. And time always seems to be short.
Dear friend, I remember that it was you who always recommended to get your ass to a meeting exactly when you don’t feel like it (put in any other excuse)
So I nudge you to get to a meeting asap, online, the next location in your area, both. Nudge nudge, doing, not thinking
Hugs for the codependent upheavals
They can be a real torture when they show up in settings you never would think they could Been there recently. Grrrrrr… Hugs
Thanks. Appreciate the encouragement.
But I’m still not going
I think for now I’m going to continue to read my Courage To Change and post on this thread.
I’m not in a depressed state or dwelling on it or anything like that. Sometimes I just need a reminder that it is ok to do things different ways and don’t be snarky about it when your loved one disagrees.
It’s always an option.
I been listening to my podcast too lately. Lots of stressors these days for me around here. But gardening is also helping. Doing some citrus trees. When I have a chance I’ll post them.
Looking for some advice or insight. Not trying to vent but genuinely at a point where I am just exhausted fighting this. My boyfriend still drinks, quite often and quite a bit. He isn’t mean to me or an angry drunk but sometimes his demeanor changes. He gets annoyed or combative with me and when this happens I notice that I just remove myself. I go in our room and watch tv or take the dogs for a walk. I have tried to talk to him but he gets defensive. I have never asked him to quit, but asked him to be more aware of his drinking.
It doesn’t necessarily bother me being around him when he drinks but I am noticing that I am really sensitive to it or like hyper fixated on how much he is drinking.
I keep trying to come from a place of I care and worry about you but that approach isn’t working.
He is an amazing person and it’s the healthiest most supportive relationship I have ever been in. Would also like to mention that he 100% supports my sobriety. Since getting sober it’s the one thing that we argue about the most, Just breaks my heart watching him drink at the level he does.
Wondering if it’s just me being sensitive and I just need to focus on myself? I know I can’t change him,
just hard to watch.
I don’t personally think you’re being too sensitive. I think it’s always alarming to our nervous system when a person’s behavior or personality shifts around us. I think it’s a natural human response.
I lived with a long term boyfriend when I first gave up drinking and that was extremely difficult. Ultimately it wasn’t sustainable for me because being around people in active addiction makes it feel impossible to connect with them. Even though it has rarely made me want to drink, I just find it destabilizing more than anything.
I hope perhaps maybe someday he decides that alcohol isn’t doing him or your relationship any favors.
All alcohol does is destroy people.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.
This thread is a great place to post about it and get some support.
He has made some changes around his drinking and I try to recognize that. I just wish he had healthier outlets or activities that didn’t revolve around drinking. He just doesn’t think alcohol is bad.
I really hope so also. Right now I just feel like I am lecturing or nagging him.
I’m confused about the contradiction I’m perceiving from this statement. Or do you mean that you argue only about his consumption?
Either way, al-anon might be something to consider if the relationship is feeling strained. Only requirement for membership is that you have a family member or friend who is an alcoholic or addict.
My family is full of alcoholics. My ex wife was the main reason I began attending even though her issues weren’t related to alcohol. It even helps me to be a better parent to my son.
It’s helped me immensely in learning to keep my focus on caring for myself and improving my flaws. Afterall, it’s the only thing we can really control. I can easily turn my focus to being critical of others instead of staying in my lane.
I’d echo what @SoberSassy said. It’s hard to connect with people who choose to escape into coping behaviors to deal with their stress. But growing up in that environment was what felt familiar to me. Food and alcohol filled the hole where real connection and expression should have been. I sought out a relationship that felt like my childhood home. Where I needed to earn affection and my needs were secondary. Where my worth was tied to how much I could make others happy.
I couldn’t stay sober being caught in that exhausting loop.
Sorry sometimes it’s hard to convey what I mean via typing.
What I meant was he does support me being sober but since I have been sober we are arguing over his consumption. I can’t handle my drinking at all and when I was still drinking he was always taking care of me when I would drink too much. I take full responsibility for my side of things. I don’t know if me being sober is making me more sensitive to others/his drinking habits.
I appreciate the above. It’s a great point! I will look into al anon. Didn’t think being in recovery myself that it was an option. I am all about improving myself. I am currently in counseling on my own and with my mom. This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. Just wondering if I need to stay in my own lane and focus on what I can control and less about what others are doing. I just obviously care.
I think I’ll listen to episode 196 again. I could use it too. And she’s not even drinking. I’m coming up with new resentments. Fuck.
Been there recently. Grrrrrr… Hugs 
